I know that there are peaks and valleys all through life as well as with our relationship with Christ. What I tend to forget is how the valleys can, at times, sneak up on you.
Out of nowhere I have landed in a valley. I dont know if the progression was a slow shifting of the sand or if it was a landslide so quickly I didn't have time to blink - all I know is that here I am. At one of the lowest valleys I have experienced in a long time.
There are so many things I am struggling through right now - and for the first time in many years I kept it all to myself. I held it inside. Tried to ignore it. Tried to "fix" it all myself. Tried to make excuses for why it was happening. I was in denial that I am in a valley - and have been for weeks.
Last night I finally got called out on it. A friend who wouldn't allow me to brush off the fact that something hasn't been right lately, who wouldn't accept my excuses or my "reasons" for not talking through what was wrong. A part of me wanted to just get off the phone before she pulled it out of m - because I was afraid if I talked about it I would either seem weak that I couldn't fix this and I wasn't entirely sure myself what was wrong. I am a huge advocate of living in community with others and here I was hiding - from God, from my friends, from myself.
This isn't me. This isn't who I am anymore. But many times I wanted to blog and let people in on what I have been struggling with, but couldn't get my fingers to move on the keys. Picking up the phone to call and let someone in, and never dialing. Not wanting to talk. Not wanting to put down my shield. Not wanting to be vulnerable to extreme pain. Not wanting to take the risk that someone would be completely strong for me and hold me up when I felt as if my world was going to crumble around me.
And I didn't trust God to hold me when I was in the valley.
And I think that is even harder to admit that any other thing. My faith had waivered and I wasn't even aware until last night.
And this has been ongoing for weeks. There were many small peaks of happiness throughout this time, time with friends and family that have kept me going - probably being the only thing that has kept me from falling into a deep depression - and I am so grateful that even when I was pulling away from God, He was still there sending people and moments into my life to pull me back up.
I know this battle is yet over - I can feel it still waging inside of me...only now I know I am not doing it alone...
