Saturday, January 27, 2007


Around New Years I lost my watch. I had no idea where to even begin to look for it. I was "living" out of three places for four days and it came up missing during that time - talk about trying to find a needle in a haystack. While I have been able to function without it, there was a definite "lack" in my day to day activities. Then yesterday while cleaning out my room I opened a bag and right there before my eyes was my watch. The excitement that began running through my body was insane - I wanted to shout, jump, yell and cheer and tell anyone nearby that I had FINALLY found my watch. (Sadly, I am not exagerating...) This morning though as I was up way too early and not quite awake, my mind amazingly began to turn and process the intensity of finding my lost watch...

If I felt that kind of excitement over finding a lost watch from Target, I can't even fathom the intensity of God's excitement when a "lost" child makes his or her way back to Him. I am not a parent yet, but the idea of losing a child and waiting, hoping they will find their way back home, hurts my heart. How often do we hurt God as he is just waiting for us to make our way to him? And how excited must God be when we are no longer lost, but found.

It's hard for me to even comprehend how God can love me THAT much - that when I find him time and time again after being lost, He wants to jump and shout and yell and cheer with pure joy! Wow. Talk about a love that is practically inconceivable...

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Info about ME :)

1. How old will you be in five years? AH! 31...lets not talk about that...
2. Do you think you will be married by then? I would hope so, but thats all up to God and whats in His plan
3. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? The SuperBowl! Laura's birthday (even though she won't be here...)
4. Who was the last person you called? Lindsey
5. Who was the last person to call you? A patron with a question
6. Do you prefer to call or text? Normally call, unless its for something small, then I text
7. Do you have any pets? No but I love on everyone elses until I can have my own someday
8. What were you doing at 12pm last night? Watching the end of Bridget Jones' Diary - love that movie!
9. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? divorced with dad remarried
10. When is the last time you saw your mom? this morning
11 has disappeared. ??
12. How many states have you lived in? 1
13. How many cities/towns have you lived in? 2
14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? I love being barefoot - unless its cold outside, then socks (the irony of the situation is that I love shoes!)
15. What is your favorite ice cream? Right now I would say Vanilla Bean
16. What is your favorite dessert? This is a toughy...Homemade Pecan Pie
17. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? strawberry JAM - homemade all the way!
18. Do you like coffee? Only with "stuff" in it
19. How many glasses of water a day do you drink on average? Not nearly enough, I try to drink a lot though
20. What do you drink in the morning? If I'm not sick, milk or water, if I'm sick, apple juice
21. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? depends on who it is and what the situation is
22. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? funny thing about that...I tend to sleep on the left side (as you are lying down) mainly because I like to face something as I sleep (and my bed is along a wall on that side...only now I am addicted to sleeping that way and if I have to sleep on my right to sleep facing something, it really throws me off...) - and if there is nothing to face, then I sleep on my left (think I'm a freak yet???)
23. Do you know how to play poker? kinda
24. Do you like to cuddle? heck yeah
25. Have you ever been to Canada? once when I was little
26. Do you eat out or at home more often? home or I bring my lunch to work...I don't like to eat out very often
27. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? yep, many
28. Do you want kids? if you know me AT ALL you know the answer to this question :)
29. Do you speak any other languages? not really - barely remember any spanish or japanese
30. Have you ever gotten stitches? yup, and I have a scar above my upper lip to prove it!
31. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool? I love both! I love the sound and smells of the ocean but probably prefer to swim in a lake or pool - salt water hurts my contacts
32. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seats? window - I like having the side to lean on when sleeping (I was on a plane ALOT this summer and learned the hard way!)
33. Do you know how to drive a stick? nope - someday though...
34. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? loved ones - I LOVE buying people stuff!
35. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? my toe ring. I feel naked without it (although my favorite one broke a few weeks ago...)
36. What is your favorite TV show? 24!
37. Can you roll your tongue? Nope
38. Who is the funniest person you know? Lately I would have to say Jess - although Laura comes in a close 2nd
39. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? not normally
40. What is the main ring tone on your phone? Something to be Proud of
41. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? I think my mom has some packed away some where
42. What color are your bedroom walls? white with a painted border on the top - years ago I got really creative when we moved in this house
43. Do you turn off the water while you brush your teeth? yup - I tend to walk away and finish other things while brushing
44. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed? my closet is too full to close the door
45. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of killer bees! Neither please
46. What do you dip a chicken nugget in? I don't eat chicken nuggets much, but it varies depending on the place - sometimes its Sweet and Sour, sometimes Ranch, sometimes just ketchup and for McD's its honey
47. What is your favorite food? pizza
48. Can you change the oil on a car? Nope but I know these people called mechanics and they do it for a living!
49. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? nope
50. Have you ever run out of gas? Thank goodness now
51. Do you read the newspaper? At work I do, and on Sundays.
52. Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Relevant and Radiant

My battle

I've had a rough month. Things have been a roller coaster in a lot of areas in my life...yesterday was my breaking point. I had taken the day off to get caught up on cleaning and such, only to wake up to pink eye. Yes you read that right, pink eye. Luckily enough my doctor called in medication without having to see me (the last thing I needed was another co-pay after just going last week)

As much as I hate to admit this, I did nothing yesterday. I was as close to a depression that a person can get without actually hitting it. I didn't answer my phone for hours, I didnt respond to text messages. I didn't do anything but lay on the couch and watch tv. Even some of my favorite shows didn't make me happy. I actually didn't want my family to come, I wanted to be alone, but when they did come home I started to feel a little better. Funny isn't it how sometimes the things we think we want, really aren't what's good for us or what we want after all... Eventually I started calling people back, and answering my phone when they called, but it was still an effort for me.

As I was going to bed last night I realized that through all this I should be reading my Bible more. Through all these rough times this month, I haven't hardly picked up my Bible. I have been reading some spiritual books that I have got me thinking, but even in the last few days I had stopped reading those too. I had cut myself off from my lifeline - my "Father" - without even realizing it. That in itself was a scary thought. How did I get so far gone in such little time? Had I taken steps backwards or was I just stagnant? Immobile? Not moving at all? It was no wonder I haven't been happy - who would have been...

On my drive to work I finally put all the pieces of the puzzle together - I finally felt the truth of what was going on around me. Satan was fighting for me. There was, and is, a battle going on right now. Only I am not alone and I will not lose. God will not lose. And I just need to keep fighting, knowing that I am not fighting this alone. I have my Father fighting for me, and I know I have my closest friends fighting for me as well. Watch out Satan - you are about to lose. I have some pretty awesome people on my side.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007


Brief overview of my day...

Computers went haywire.

I didn't get a break until after 2 (I came in at 8 am)

I only got a 1/2 hour lunch, and was lucky to get that.

Never got my 2nd break

Things finally started working right - kind of

Something is still vastly wrong with our computers.

My throat hurts.

Is it a full moon??

Monday, January 22, 2007


~ My team is going to the SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DA BEARS!
~ Colts Vs. The Bears - WOW!
~ My car is fixed my car is fixed my car is fixed!
~ I finally was able to sleep all the way through the night last night for the first time in DAYS!
~ I can breathe through my nose right now
~ I got another random myspace message from some guy...asking me about GCC and being told he should go there to find someone who is "wifey material" !?!?! And his profile has pictures on it we don't allow in the computer lab! How do I even respond to that!?!
~ Starting reading Erwin McManus' book - its amazing!
~ There's a website out there just to find sugar daddies. Jess and I find it hilarious.
~ 24 is flippin rockin this season!! LOVE IT!

'Nough randomness for now...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The Love of my life...

Happy First Birthday Hailey Bean!
(Pictures of the birthday girl with cake-face to come...)

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

I did it...

...I went to the doctor.

I have been fighting a sinus infection since before the new year. I had pretty much been over it and feeling close to a hundred percent, when two days ago my sis came down with it, thus once again flaming the fire of mine. It came back. With a vengence. It got to the point last night during the night that it hurt to swallow. I finally hit my breaking point. I was in too much pain to avoid it any longer, and I haven't been able to put in a good workout in two weeks because of lack of energy. (I have been prone to taking evening naps lately! Not normal for a 26 year old!!!) So I did it. I went to the doctor. I couldn't fight this one on my own. Turns out this time last year the same thing happened.

Apparently January is my month to get "the crud"

Funny how somehow this battle of wills aligns with my spiritual life as well. How often does God need to slap me completely upside the head for me to give up control and let him heal me. Why I fight it, I dont know...

Tuesday, January 16, 2007


Those of you who read my blog regularly, or semi-regularly, have probably figured out by now that I am questioner. I always have questions I'm contemplating, mulling over, or just down right ignoring going through my head.

Lately it has been no different.

I used to be afraid to question. Growing up I didnt go to a church that encouraged questioning. Don't get me wrong, they didn't discourage it, it just wasn't something talked about. Living in the questions (as Stephen always calls it) is a fairly new concept for me, and sometimes its still hard to not know all the answers...

These are just some of the questions God and I have been dealing with in conversation lately...

On to the things I am mulling over...

~ Christ is supposed to be the center of our lives, of our everyday activities, of our personal life, of our thoughts, or our relationships, of everything. What does that really look like? How do I get to that place? Does everyone struggle daily to keep the focus on God first?
~ How do you trust again? How do you not only heal from the past pain, but not allow those past hurts to ruin your future?
~ Does everyone have as many fears as I do to deal with daily? Does the number ever lessen, or do more and more opportunities come that need to be grabbed hold of head on?
~ The Bible can be broken down to show meaning by specific words used in specific scripture, how do we know that is truly what God meant, if it has been translated by humans? Do we just trust?
~ Am I making an impact for Christ?
~ How do you begin to have one of the most difficult conversations in your life, with someone you love deeply, knowing full well that this person may despise you? Yet knowing that God is calling you to have this conversation?
~ What does a Christ-centered relationship look like on a day to day basis?
~ What in my life is not honoring God right now? And what do I need to do to change it?

THE Best Day!

I must say Sunday was one of the best days I have had in a long time. Over the holidays I had such an amazing time with all my friends that were home, and since then it just hasn't been as much fun (Granted I have been sick for most of that time!) But this Sunday was what I needed. I would classify it as a 5 star kinda day....

A group of us roadtripped up to Mars Hill in Grand Rapids to take in David Crowder leading worship! He is one of my favorite artists, so you can only imagine how much I loved worshiping with the original artist! The road trip itself was an amazing time - tons of fun! Then it was to Panera for some awesome Broccoli Cheddar soup and some very strange conversation. (Don't ask, you wouldn't understand and might quite possibly think those of us involved are crazier than we actually are!)

Thanks to Danny I received score updates from the Bears game as we were traveling back, and I managed to make it in time to catch the last quarter and see MY TEAM go on to WIN in Overtime! Talk about exciting! Let's just say there was some yelling and jumping up off the couch going on. Stressful, but worth it in the end!

And then, my favorite TV show of all time had its season premiere - 24! Man do I love that show! Every year you think it can't get any better - and then it does! They up the ante. Plus its just an extra bonus that Kiefer Sutherland is some nice eye candy! Gotta love Jack Bauer!

It was definitely the kind of day I needed!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

More than words

Sometimes a song better portrays my thoughts and feelings better than I ever could...

by Jeremy Camp

In this time, I know I need to be more broken
Then I find, I feel this passion grow
To face all that’s been lost
It’s not too late to give control now
I don’t know why I wait
You’re always calling me

Tonight, I will take my cross
Tonight, I will count this cost
Tonight, I will realize to take hold of this very moment

In this time, you draw me by these words
You’ve spoken I feel inside, this never-ending hope
I’ve placed all that I trust in knowing one day I will see You
The only thing worth holding onto is holding onto me

Tonight, I will take my cross
Tonight, I will count this cost
Tonight, I will realize to take hold of this very moment

I will take this moment, and feel that it’s closer
And I kneel to show You this desperate heart of mine

Tuesday, January 09, 2007


I've recently discovered how often I let fear control my life. By recently I mean yesterday. It has been "brewing" in my head for a while now, and in the last few weeks it was beginning to become apparent to me. Then last night after an amazing conversation with a friend, I realized it.

I have been living in fear way too much.

The journey of me vs. fear has been ongoing for years. I guess God figures he'll just give me little snippets of fears to deal with at a time. Its funny how this time I was always looking behind me to see how far I have come over the years. I have dealt with many of my fears and have moved on past them. But yesterday I looked ahead. And I saw the fears I have avoided and let control my life.

Lately I have been reading In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson. Its a book entirely about facing your fears and embracing those opportunities. As hard as it is to admit, it has taken me far too long to finish reading it because many times I have just pushed it aside out of fear! (Ironic isn't it) God has been consistently bringing this to my attention and I have kept ignoring it. (Also ironic since I had been praying for God to show me what I need to change, and when he did, I ignored him!)

A few life changing things have been heading my way lately. Things that I truly want, yet a part of me is afraid. A part of me that is comfortable right where I am, afraid of these types of changes.

A bit of background - I am a runner. Not literally. Although I do occasionally try to run, this is an entirely different kind of running. This is the side of me that is terrified. The side that wants to run a million miles an hour in the other direction to protect myself. The side of me that I constantly have to fight against. This feels like an uphill battle sometimes.

Although I know that after each little victory, the next battle gets easier.

I leave you with some quotes and such that have really hit home lately...

From Corey's blog - from Erwin McManus' new book Soul Cravings:
"We're all struggling to figure ourselves out. We're all afraid to expose our souls to those who might judge us, and at the same time, we desperately need help to guide us on this journey."

Eleanor Roosevelt - "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."

H. Jackson Browne - "Don't be afraid to go out on a limb. That's where the fruit is."

Henry James - "Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact."

Louisa May Alcott - "I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship."

Monday, January 08, 2007


"The vision must be followed by the venture.
It is not enough to stare up the steps -
We must step up the stairs." - Vance Havner

Friday, January 05, 2007


Well, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. Yesterday got progressively worse as the day went on. Saltines and apple juice were the staples of my diet. Everything else just caused stomach clenching pain.

Today seems to be progressing better although I am still not anywhere near feeling like the normal me.

On a totally different note (can you tell I am not thinking nearly as well as I normally do!?!) I'm having a very rough day. I am trying to be positive and pray about things, but when you don't feel good, and the weather is blah, and you are tired, its not such an easy thing to accomplish. The irony of my situation is that the particular thing that happened to make this into a "rough" day was in fact God's answer to a very specific question. Guess a part of me was hoping either for a different, or easier answer. Not a smack across the face.

So just keep on praying people. I need them today. And for the next few weeks and months. Things will be changing...

Thursday, January 04, 2007

What a morning...

This is the short, bulleted version of my morning. If you want details, I'll fill you in later!

  • After 4-5 hours sleep, alarm goes off at 430 AM!
  • Roll outta bed, jump in a quick shower, get dressed, brush teeth (and me being the think-aheader put gel in my hair as I always do in hopes that it would still give me volume even if air dried - BIG MISTAKE!)
  • Jonathan and I head out to the car and make the drive to the airport
  • Say goodbye to yet someone else returning to school (boy do I hate having to say goodbye!)
  • 545 Arrive back to the Kagarises and decide I could get another 45 minutes of sleep. Set alarm for 630 but can't fall asleep right away. Pray for Jon's safe travels - finally fall asleep
  • Vaguely remember hitting snooze and possibly disabling the alarm on my phone - in my TIRED stupor I believed I had set two alarms like I do at home. I was wrong.
  • 709 wake up out of the blue, look at clock and FLIP out because I still have to do my hair, makeup, change clothes, head back to my house to get my shoes I forgot and still try to get to work by 800
  • 710 Thank God for waking me up! 711 Look in the mirror and see the error of my ways in my early morning gel decision - yes I did have volume. Scary hair!
  • 725 roll out of the Kagarise's as Jonathan calls to tell me because of being in the military he not only got an early flight, he got bumped to First Class! Obviously his luck was better than mine.
  • 800 Fly into work amazingly on time, only to find not one, not two but five notes on my computer of things that were broken.
  • 801 reminded that yesterday was a full moon - never a good sign!
  • 730-930 try to eat breakfast - end up eating one bite at a time, feel nauseous after each bite. Not good sign.
  • Sitting here, trying to take a break and feel better, get interrupted many times to fix things.
  • Finally get to sit down and check myspace and once again had a random friend request from some guy - been happening more and more lately, really starting to get on my nerves!
  • Really want to go home sick. Feel like poo.

Can't wait to see what the rest of the day holds!

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Hard to Admit

I have been slacking lately.

More than I care to admit.

Slacking in things that I know I need.

Slacking in the most important area of my life.

My spiritual life.

I haven't sat down and actually studied my Bible on my own in a long time. Thankfully God has still been speaking to me and getting his point across even though I don't deserve it.
I have been trying to work out a new way to make this a priority in my life - somewhere along the way it tapered off and I convinced myself that reading amazing books challenging my own faith was enough.

This has been weighing on my heart alot, and it really hit today when someone who's walk with God I admire and respect was telling me he just read Titus. I couldn't tell you the last time I finished a whole book of the Bible. Only that last week I read one chapter of James, this morning I read a few passages to answer a reference question I had and the few verses I looked up a few days ago to see what a bible verse included in a book said in a different version.

How does this happen so easily?

Without me even realizing or caring enough to do anything about it.

Something has got to give.