Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Peaks and Valleys...

I know that there are peaks and valleys all through life as well as with our relationship with Christ. What I tend to forget is how the valleys can, at times, sneak up on you.

Out of nowhere I have landed in a valley. I dont know if the progression was a slow shifting of the sand or if it was a landslide so quickly I didn't have time to blink - all I know is that here I am. At one of the lowest valleys I have experienced in a long time.

There are so many things I am struggling through right now - and for the first time in many years I kept it all to myself. I held it inside. Tried to ignore it. Tried to "fix" it all myself. Tried to make excuses for why it was happening. I was in denial that I am in a valley - and have been for weeks.

Last night I finally got called out on it. A friend who wouldn't allow me to brush off the fact that something hasn't been right lately, who wouldn't accept my excuses or my "reasons" for not talking through what was wrong. A part of me wanted to just get off the phone before she pulled it out of m - because I was afraid if I talked about it I would either seem weak that I couldn't fix this and I wasn't entirely sure myself what was wrong. I am a huge advocate of living in community with others and here I was hiding - from God, from my friends, from myself.

This isn't me. This isn't who I am anymore. But many times I wanted to blog and let people in on what I have been struggling with, but couldn't get my fingers to move on the keys. Picking up the phone to call and let someone in, and never dialing. Not wanting to talk. Not wanting to put down my shield. Not wanting to be vulnerable to extreme pain. Not wanting to take the risk that someone would be completely strong for me and hold me up when I felt as if my world was going to crumble around me.

And I didn't trust God to hold me when I was in the valley.

And I think that is even harder to admit that any other thing. My faith had waivered and I wasn't even aware until last night.

And this has been ongoing for weeks. There were many small peaks of happiness throughout this time, time with friends and family that have kept me going - probably being the only thing that has kept me from falling into a deep depression - and I am so grateful that even when I was pulling away from God, He was still there sending people and moments into my life to pull me back up.

I know this battle is yet over - I can feel it still waging inside of me...only now I know I am not doing it alone...

Song of my life...

Right now it is hard to put into words what I am going through...

Its hard to even figure out inside of me what I am going through...

There is a song that has been constantly on my heart and in my mind that seems to best explain...

Deliver Me
by David Crowder Band

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing
Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me

Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

Thursday, September 21, 2006

The white people are melting and the indian people are freezing

Have any of you seen the movie "Fools Rush In"? There is one line in the movie that perfectly describes part of what we experienced in India...The white people are melting! Last night the reverse happened...

Four amazing men that we got to know while we were in India are here! They all work for The Bible League and came into town for some meetings (in Chicago I believe) and are hanging out here for a short time. Everyone who has visited India was invited to a cookout last night to eat and welcome them. If you happen to live in the Michiana area, or at least keep up with the weather on the news, it was cold yesterday. Abnormally cold. Not cool, cold. And since this outting was planned before even my trip to India in August, the plans were already made to hold this get together at St. Pat's park in a covered picnic area.

Are the pieces fitting together yet?

The Indian guys were definitely outside of their comfort zone last night, in more than one way! But despite the weather, we all had a great time chatting with them and with each other. Members from my team exchanged stories with people who have gone before us, and we all shared stories and advice for the newcomers heading out in October. It was a fabulous night and the weather couldn't burst our happy bubbles.
This is Raj. He's pretty important, people know him.
He is actually one of the big-wigs of the Bible League in India.
He's in charge of the Bible League in Tamil Nadu.
And he's flippin awesome! Great sense of humor!

This is Immanuel and Frances.

Immanuel watched out for us alot during our time in India.

He is in charge of the Bible League office in Chennai.

He's pretty important too. People know him!

Frances is just a hoot! He was with us on our

shopping day at Spencer Plaza. He took

videos of us on his camera at Pizza Hut.

He has the greatest sense of humor and

the best smile. Even the cold couldn't bring him

down - no that's not a turbin on his head, its a scarf!

Here is Frances, Immanuel, Zephaniah and Raj.

They picked to stand in front of the fire to stay warm.

Smart men.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

India Blog!

Hey everyone...yesterday I was able to post on my India blog again! YAY! I am actually getting ready to post again so, click here, and visit my page dedicated to the amazing people of India!

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


I have been thinking a lot lately. Some about India. Some about life. Some about what I believe. Some of a little of everything. Here are some of the questions I am struggling through right now.

Why do I believe what I believe?
Do you have to be baptized to ensure your salvation?
How do we live like Christ when life gets in the way?
How do I live out what I believe?
What if God really does give me what I have been asking for?
Can I handle the answers God gives me?
How do I let people know how much they mean to me?
How do you do "tough love"?
What if I know what the Bible tells me to do in hard situations and I choose to blatantly ignore him?
What kind of woman of God am I becoming?
How do I learn to be grateful for what I have and have the patience to not get angry with others who are not grateful either?
What can I do to help the women of India from across the world?
Are their changes I need to be making in my life that I am not? Am I being comfortable in my life or am I supposed to be patient and stay where I am? Are their major changes I am supposed to be making?

The list goes on but unfortunately my free time does not...

Friday, September 01, 2006

India Blog updated!

Pictures and stories now on my new India blog!! (Doesnt look the prettiest...had a few issues with blogger and uploading pictures, but you get the idea) :)