Struggling...

So apparently this last week has been harder on me than I could have imagined....lately I have been so stressed about Son City Kids, but I was still holding up okay....but then Sunday happened with my dad...I thought after a few days of crying I was okay...then I noticed I was having trouble focusing on work (which has happened before, but never to this extent) Someone I work with said it was to be expected after almost losing my dad and that I was probably still in shock...in my head I was thinking I was fine...still a little shook up but I was praising God for performing a miracle in my dad's life...

I was feeling yesterday like it was all going to come crashing down soon, but I didn't actually think it would happen...I was wrong.

This morning I had a breakdown...and for those of you who don't know me real well, I am not good at being emotionally vulnerable...I cry when things happen to other people and I am a very emotional person, but when something hits me deep in the core of my being, I have trouble being weak...as I say...I don't "do" weak. (This first hit me when Doug Coney died in September and I was refusing to completely give in to my emotions...I was struggling with letting someone be there for me...I guess I have a hard time trusting that when I am vulnerable people won't hurt me...I never had this problem before, until high school....then for years I had a best friend who would use my vulnerable times to boost herself up or to control me. She would use those times when I was the lowest to benefit herself...ever since I have a hard time letting people be strong for me) But back to today- I realized that I am not okay with the fact that my dad almost died. I am so grateful to God for saving his life and I will praise Him for giving me more time with my dad, but I am still upset about how close I came to losing my daddy. I have been crying off and on for most of the morning...not sobbing...but tears falling from my eyes when I least expect it.

I am still trying to figure out how to let others be strong for me, and I know that I need to realize that it is okay for me to be vulnerable....I just don't know how....