Thoughts and Fears

The last few weeks I have been in a constant battle. A battle within myself.

For years I have struggled with fear. And for years I would either use avoidance or fleeing to protect myself. While I have worked through and gotten past the majority of my past fears, one still shows its face when its least expected - the fear of getting hurt. Most women, or possibly all women, have dealt with this fear of having your "heart hurt" - a pain that's purely emotional and hits right to the core. I have been hurt many times in the past, some of which were pretty bad. While I have forgiven myself and the others involved, every once in a while when I become afraid of being hurt again, I can feel that same pain inside of me again. A pain I never wanted to feel again. And this feeling makes me want to run. It makes me want to hide. It makes me want to seclude myself. And recently I decided I was no longer going to give in to my urge to protect myself. I found myself not even realizing how tightly I was holding on to my own web of protection. I have been praying many times a day for the Lord to give me the strength to not run. To not close myself off. And to trust Him to protect me. The battle is mellowing out some, and my urge isn't nearly as strong as it once was...but its still there.

Earlier today I read a past blog of Stephanie's, and it not only spoke to me exactly where I am, but encouraged me to continue to be the person God wants me to be - God doesn't want me to be afraid - He doesn't want me to run away, He wants me to run to Him. Here's what I stole from Steph's site, for all of you who are interested...



The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, if you have been open by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without causing us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when its not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from God's presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, mine or your own, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of despair and grief, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, how you came to be here.I want to know if you will stand in the center of fire with me and not shrink back.It doesn't interest me when or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else fails away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truely like the company you keep in the empty moments.