Thinking

The last few days have been filled with thinking, contemplating, questiong and flat out ignoring. While that may sound like an odd combination on paper (or webpage), in reality I believe most of us do this quite often. I find myself thinking sometimes and then choosing to flat out ignore what I don't want to hear. I call it selective thinking.

For one example - a few weeks ago I started reading the book In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day by Mark Batterson. Its a book about fear. Part of me didn't want to read it at all because it talks extensively about facing your fears, and going after the risks. I am not one who likes to do so. I actually put it down on multiple occasions because it was hard for me to read. The words on the page frightened me enough. But yesterday and today I started reading again. This time truly thinking about the things I didn't want to deal with. And I learned a lot about myself that I don't like. A few things I knew already and thought I had dealt with, but hadn't. Things in my past and past relationships had instilled fear in me - the self-preservation mode that I have lived in for so many years. The steps I had taken were not nearly drastic enough. And I realized that I need to learn to fully trust God. How, I don't know. God and I are working on that. I just know that I am tired of living this way. This is not the person I want to be.

Its ironic how I can look behind me and see how far I have come, even in the last year, but then I look ahead and see how far I have to go still. And I need to remember that I am never going to be perfect. And thats okay.