Today is the day.

Well, I've been a COMPLETE SLACKER and in the craziness of the last few months, neglected to update my blog. So if anyone is still out there, here's the lowdown. I leave for India TODAY!

I've had a mix of emotions over the last few weeks.

• excited | I can barely contain my excitement about getting the opportunity to return to India!
• nervous | Last time I went to India, my stomach wasn't really a fan. But this nervousness has passed and I'm ready to roll!
• unworthy | When I stop and really process what is about to happen, I feel totally unworthy. It's hard to fathom that God could use flawed people for his glory, but he does, all the time.
  
• thankful | I'm so thankful that God extends his grace to all of us - his power and love is what will truly make our time in India successful.
• overwhelmed | God choose me. If he hadn't instructed me to go, I wouldn't be.
• joyfilled | God choose me. Just like he choose the other 29 people who are going on this trip. We're all willing to lose ourselves to bring him glory - so I KNOW amazing things are going to happen. God has already showed up in so many ways.
• filled | The love, encouragement and prayers from so many people around me has my tank filled. I'm ready to head out and empty my tank on the Indian people. If I love them well, as Jesus has called us to do, then I have succeeded. And I couldn't do it without the support of so many amazing people.

While I'm in India, I will have some limited access to a phone. Obviously contacting my family is my number one priority. But I don't want any of you to be left out either. So, when contact is made, my sister will be updating my facebook fan page here. One of my good friends who has a spouse on the team may be updating with the news she hears as well. We also have a team blog - keep checking here for updates and pictures from the entire team!

Well, I'm out. Got some Bible reading and prayer I want to dive into before we leave.

See ya on the flip side!

10 Days in India...

Three years ago my view of the world radically changed. I left my comfortable "bubble" of Northern Indiana and traveled to southern India with a team from Granger Community Church. I had never traveled overseas, let alone to a third world country and I never expected to come back a different person. But I did. I left a piece of my heart with the people of India. I came back with a love for a broken and hurting country that somehow managed to turn my world upside down. A love for a group of people who inspired me to be more like them: giving. loving. sacrificial. authentic. strong.

And in March I get the opportunity to head back to India...and I couldn't be more excited.

This time I'll be headed to a village called Kalavai - a village that is considered the lowest of the low, a village that most wouldn't even notice if it disappeared, a village that without intervention from people of "power" would never have any hope of changing. A few years ago GCC heard about Kalavai and decided to intervene - to use the power that comes with just being Americans to change the future of this village. Every few months teams from GCC head to Kalavai to help them start and run businesses, assist in building homes, teaching the children English, providing filters for clean water and many more projects. As soon as I heard about the Conversational English Team I was all in. I knew that was exactly where I belonged. What I didn't realize though was the power behind learning English.

Ironically, in India if you want to attend college, you must speak English. All courses are not in Hindi or Tamil, but English. English is considered the "trade language" of India! Who knew?! Obviously the ten days of our trip is not enough to teach our highly complicated language, but we'll be working with local church planters who have already started the ball rolling and will continue the program after we leave. And we are bringing something with us most Indians don't have access to - native speakers of the language...us. As someone who had to study foreign languages in school, conversing with someone is the best way to learn. I can't imagine a better way to spend 10 days.

But even as a "seasoned veteran," this trip will be vastly different for me, and your prayers would not only be greatly appreciated, but greatly needed as well. Three years ago my stomach did not transition well to the long days of travel and life in India. I had trouble eating and came back 13 pounds lighter than when I left 10 days before. Not exactly the healthiest way to lose weight, and not exactly part of the experience I want to relive. Knowing now what I didn't know then is obviously to my benefit and I'm stepping up my game in the next few months of preparation. Also, during my last trip, I was lucky enough to always have bathroom facilities - strange bathroom facilities at times, but still, always accessible. This time I will not. At all. For days. It's hard for me to even fathom life in the middle of nowhere with a tent and a bush. But I know I'm supposed to be headed to India, and I know with the power of prayer and a little stubbornness on my part, I can handle it. If you are willing, please pray for these two things for me specifically, as well as safe travel for our team, for God to use us in whatever ways he can and for the people of Kalavai.

And as always, a trip like this doesn't come cheap. With the economy the way it is, travel costs are up. Currently, the cost of my trip is $3,000. If you want the opportunity to help send me to India, you can mail a donation using the attached form, or hop on the web at gccwired.com/missiontrips. For those of you who are curious and like to plan ahead, half of my support is due on January 18, with the trip paid in full by February 22.

We want to bring the kingdom of God from up there, to down here on earth. One little village in India at a time. It's already begun and I can't wait to be a part of it. And by supporting me in prayer or in finances, you will become a part of it too. You will be influencing the lives of the people of Kalavai. You will be a world changer as well. You will be bringing up there, down here.


-------

If you want to see some of the videos that captured my heart, and of the work being done in Kalavai, you can find them here. These are the people I will soon be meeting. The people I will be serving. The people who will be radically changing my life. The people whose lives you will be changing as well. If you have any questions or want the web address to follow along on my journey of preparation, more information can be found periodically here on my blog or on my Facebook fanpage.

Reflections of India

I've been thinking about India a lot lately...a lot. I decided to look back on some of my thoughts after I returned from my trip three years ago.

--------

Well it has been almost two months since our return from India and here I am still trying to process everything I saw and experienced. I wonder if I will ever truly be "done" processing...

Last night Lindsey (one of my fellow India travelers) and I were talking about the pace of our lives. Somehow, without our knowledge, our lives have gone crazy. It seems like my life is over flowing with too many things to do and not enough time to do it in. Slowly, the pace of my life has increased back to warp speed. And it spawned a conversation about the pace of life in India...

India is a hard country and culture to put into words. As I have told many of you, even though we were actually only gone for 10 days, it felt like we were gone for at least a month. There was so many things packed into our days that it often felt like one day was really two or three. I believe most of this is simply because of we were "guests" from America and everyone wanted to see us, have a chance to talk with us and to have us pray for them. There is kind of a relaxed urgency in their way of life. The church planters we were with packed their days with visiting people and ministering in villages and homes, wanting nothing more than to love these people and help them to meet or know Christ better. Yet at the same time, there was always downtime to spend with their closest family and friends. Every day we were in the villages we "took rest" - some of us napped, some of us just laid down our heads, but there was always down time. How ironic is it that I had to travel across the world to see an example of relaxed urgency. And even after I experienced it and yearned to be like that upon my return home, somewhere along the line I returned to my old habits. Packing my minutes, hours, days and weeks with stuff, without "taking rest" every day.

How desperately do I want to remember how the Indians lived, and learn to emulate it into my daily life.

Going Back...

A few days ago I found myself going back through my blog - for a completely random not so important purpose that I am currently pleading the 5th on - and started to realize how many things I have forgotten. Ironically some of those posts are starting to smack me right upside the head. Who knew?

This one really hit me. Partially because I originally stole it off a friends blog and partially because I can't for the life of me remember who it was who wrote it. It occurs to me that maybe it's supposed to be that way...

The stuff in this short little post is enough to really get you thinking. I know it has gotten me thinking once again...

---------------------

One of my amazing friends recently posted a blog - her words left me in awe. It spoke the words that many feel but never form themselves.

Since many of you may not be privy to be her friend on facebook, I decided to "steal" her words to share them with all of you. Check it out and see what I mean :

I'm sitting in a coffee shop, surrounded by many, yet feeling alone and i'm wondering... what things in life are truely worth the risk? I take risks every day.
I risk being late every time i hit my snooze button.
I risk getting a ticket every time i speed.
I risk burning my mouth every time i take a sip of coffee.
I risk falling every time i wear high heels.
But what's really so risky about these things? So what? I could be late, get a speeding ticket, lose some taste buds, fall on my face or all of these things in the same day and there really isn't going to be that much damage.
Then there are the things that seem really risky... too risky.
Telling someone you love something ugly about yourself.
Trusting someone you want to love.
Trusting someone in general.
Loving someone in general.
Allowing yourself to be known well enough to be truly loved by someone.
So what heppens if i continue fearing things like love, trust and being known? I guess i'm not really sure. I do think that a life w/o risk is a life not worth living. And i don't be the i-didn't-brush-my-teeth-last-night kind of risk. I mean the i-could-get-my-heart-ripped-out-again kind of risk, or the i-may-die-trying-this kind of risk. Doesn't the size of the risk say something about the size of the possible pay off?
Anyway, i guess i'm just deciding to risk again. Maybe that means trust, maybe that means love or maybe that means letting myself be known. Whatever it is, i think i can feel it coming... i'm not sure i'm ready, but i'm not going to run.

Waiting

I've never been someone who's good at waiting. From birth, showing up two weeks early, I've always had a hard time with waiting. Don't get me wrong, I've had to do my fair share of waiting. One would think that I would have gotten used to it by now, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way.

For years I took God out of the picture. If he asked me to wait, I just went ahead with my own plan. I didn't want to wait, I couldn't see how God could make anything better come out of making me wait. I always thought "Hey, he's God! If he really wanted such and such to happen, he could just go ahead and do it right now." So in my warped sense of reality, if God didn't act now, he'd turn my plan into his plan and we'd all live happily ever after.

Then a few years ago I finally tried it God's way. I waited. And waited. And waited some more. And one day, God blew me away. His plan was better than anything I could have even possibly fathomed for myself. The period of waiting was worth it.

Waiting still isn't easy for me, and I doubt it ever will be. The greatest things in life are rarely the "easy" things. There is one thing I know - I don't want to cut God's story short in my life because waiting seems too hard. Once you take that chance, and actually wait on God and his plan for your life, it'll blow you away too. And the next time you must wait...and the time after that...and the time after that...you know it'll be worth it then too. It always is. Because He always does everything right - everything.

Isaiah 30:18
But God’s not finished. He’s waiting around to be gracious to you.
He’s gathering strength to show mercy to you.
God takes the time to do everything right—everything.
Those who wait around for him are the lucky ones.

Darth MC Hammer

These guys have skillz...

30 Days

Last week at our staff meeting we were broached with a question - if you found out you would die in 30 days, what would you do?

Some might think this is an easy question to answer.

But it's harder than at first glance.

It's hard to fathom that your life could suddenly end in one month's time. Would you want to know? Would it hinder how you live your life? Even if you did know, would you choose to continue life as it is? What might you do differently? Who would you spend time with? What would you do?

It's something to think about. If you're curious, here's my thoughts on my last 30 days:

• I wouldn't complain so much about getting up early. I would want to have as many waking hours as possible with the people I love. I wouldn't want, on Day 29, to look back and wish I had just a few more hours.
  
• I would visit as many family members and close friends as possible. Not just to sit around and mope together, but to make memories. To have random fun, take tons of pictures and laugh our heads off. To love each other without abandon or fear.
• I would say things that need to be said, but have instead chosen the easy road. Things like:
I'm sorry. I forgive you. Please forgive me. I love you. You're being an idiot. Please stop hurting yourself. Please stop punishing yourself. Let love in. Let God in. I'm praying for you. You are loved. You are missed. You are appreciated. You have made a difference in my life. You matter. You matter to me. You matter to God. Just try. Trust God - He really does know better than us. You helped me to become the woman I am today. Thank you.
• I'd write letters to those I am leaving behind - to give them a piece of me to hold onto when I'm gone.
  
• I'd make hilariously stupid videos to help people to laugh in the first few days after I'm gone.
• I'd put together a playlist for my funeral - and insist it be used. Music full of love, hope and laughter.
  

Last week, when asked this question, there were two things I wanted to do: spend time with my loved ones, and sell everything & travel the world.

But, when I'm being completely honest with myself, traveling is not what is important to me. People are. The people I love are. Traveling would be the easy road again - see everyone, say goodbye, and then distract myself from the pain of what's to come. Of knowing I had a short time left to live. And that is not what I want my last days to look like when I stand before God. And I would never want to put my family and friends through that added pain.

So while my list is different than I originally thought, this list is me. This is who I am. My only question now is, why am I not doing a better job of these things when my days are not numbered.

Stand By Me

I love music.

I love the emotions a few minutes of notes and lyrics can evoke inside of me.

This song never ceases to make me close my eyes, listen to the words and feel the music deep in my soul. Until I saw this video, I didn't realize how much stronger my reaction could be.

Take 5 minutes. Watch this video. Don't watch the first 20 seconds and then shake your head at me - watch the whole thing. Trust me - you'll thank me later.

Whoa

As you can probably tell by the lack of activity on my blog recently, I've been busy. Not just everyday busy. BIG busy. Remind yourself to breathe busy. Leave town for the weekend as the only way to recharge busy.

But that hasn't kept thoughts from spinning and blog posts from being composed in my brain. I got stuff to say. Just no time or energy to say it right now.

I will leave you this to ponder on:

Sometimes I think we take for granted being part of something bigger than ourselves...

Experiments in Baking

Tonight I decided to take an idea from the Food Network, and experiment to make it my own.

And I succeeded. In a big way.

It was fun, and my taste buds are pretty darn happy if I do say so myself.

At the request of one of my brilliant friends, I have created a photo journey of my experiment in baking. I don't recommend viewing this journey while hungry - your stomach may try to gnaw its way out of your body in an effort to eat the images right off your screen. Consider yourself warned.

A few random things...

• Just got back from vacation - had a great relaxing time. Many stories and some pictures to come. (P.S. God showed up. I love when he does that!)
• Discovered a new container of Cool Whip on the fridge. I have a weak spot for Cool Whip - especially right out of the container.
  
• Cool Whip tastes better when using my finger as the utensil. Not the same on a spoon.
• Same goes for creamy peanut butter.
• Not so for crunchy. Spoon all the way.
• When I buy anything new, I have to wear it or use it right away. Just got a bread maker at my friend's garage sale and it's killing me that I haven't got to use it yet. I've owned it for all of 4+ hours.
• Finally read this. What the heck took me so long!? Seriously, loved it, loved the writing, loved the storyline, loved it.
• If you call my phone, but after I answer realize you dialed the wrong number, say so. Don't just hang up. Frustrates the crap outta me.
• I love shoes - but I love being barefoot more. Strange, I know.
• Yes, in the middle of writing this blog post, my phone rang and they said nothing, spawning on the above mentioned frustration.
  

Leavin' On A Jet Plane...

In 34+ hours I'll be on a plane headed to Dallas - and after typing that slight panic is setting in because I have yet to pack or organize anything! At least I have a list going... but that's besides the point.

Wednesday morning I get to travel with some of my amazing co-workers (and assorted family members) to Dallas for a conference for work. A few of us will give mini-breakout type presentations, my boss is giving the keynote, and we all get to have some great team time while learning exciting new things about our church database. (You're jealous, I know)

But I have an extra reason to be excited for this trip ahead - because a year and a half ago my dad moved to Dallas.

Are you putting the pieces together yet?

So Friday afternoon at 4:30 my vacation starts and I get to spend multiple days with my dad and stepmom - and I couldn't be more excited!

Let's just hope my travels are far less exciting than last year...

A Must Read...

It's not often that a blog post completely stops me in my tracks and causes me to scroll back up and read again.

Today that happened.

Take the three minutes to go here, and read this post. It just might speak to you too.

Who Am I?

As I eluded to earlier, I've been processing this question a lot lately:

Who am I when no one is looking?

Somewhere in my teenage years, I lost "me". I lost who I really was at my core. It was just easier to feel accepted if I became a mirror of those people around me, because then, the chance of rejection was less. Sadly enough, I stayed that way for way too long. So much so that when asked, I didn't always know what my favorite tv show, or song artist, or movie, or restaurant even was anymore.

One day I sat down, and inspired by the movie Runaway Bride, I made a list. I figured out what I truly liked, and, what I really didn't like at all. Very sad that it had to come to that, but yet that is where my journey began. It was the first time I really thought about who I am if no one is around.

Since then I've revisited that question many times, only each time on a different level.

Most recently I stopped to think about my relationship with Christ, and decided it was time for a little "check-up". Here's a few of the questions I took the time to stop and ask myself:

• Who am I when no one is looking?
• Who do I, or what do I worship when no one is around?
• Am I fully leaning on Christ when the sun is set, the computer is off, the phone is silent and it's just me and him?
• Do I take my own advice? Is He my strength during times of sorrow? Do I praise Him in my times of joy? Do I praise Him in my times of sorrow?
  
• Is He my number one priority in a "me-centered" world?
• Do I have faith in His plan? If I pray for rain, do I go out and buy an umbrella?
• Am I just going through the "motions" when others are around? Or is this truly who I am at my core?

These are the questions I've asked myself, and yes, I have my answers. I have a pretty good idea of who I am, where I am at, and where I need to be. We are all a work in progress - and I gotta say, I'm proud of how far God has brought me. A few years ago, my answers to these questions would have been different. And a few years from now, they will be as well.

Sometimes it's worth the time to stop and re-evaluate who you are when no one is looking. Because that's the person God sees. That is who you are at your core. Choose to be the real you. And if you hide "you" because you're ashamed, then take steps to change it. Yes it seems like a long road ahead, but take it from someone who was so lost just a few years ago, it's so worth it.

Light Hearted Randomness

In no order what-so-ever, I give you, random things about me...

• I need to have both smooth and crunchy peanut butter in the cupboard. My texture of choice varies depending on what I'm eating.
• My niece said my name for the first time this weekend - melted my heart!
• I sometimes force myself to do something I don't like to, or don't want to, do. I used to always give in to fear, this is one of the ways I keep fear from ruling my life.
• I watch more tv on the Internet than on do an actual tv.
  
• When I'm driving in the car, and searching for a radio station, if the first thing I hear is an ad, I keep on surfing. But if I'm already listening to a station, I don't necessarily always switch away during commercials and chatty djs.
• I used to hate the quiet. Now I not only enjoy it sometimes, I need it.
• It took me years to realize who I really am, only to discover that it will always be changing, growing, evolving.
  

A Glimpse of My Thoughts

A few weeks ago during a bible class this question got brought up:

Who am I when no one is looking?

More thoughts on this later...

The conversation...

This just happened:

Mom - "A shower sounds nice, but I don't have the energy."

Me - "Um...then how are we going to drive for the next 6 hours?"

You just never know...

It's almost 10 o'clock at night.

Normally I'm getting ready for bed about now.

Currently, I am getting ready to drive for 6+ hours. To the Indianapolis airport. And back.

This could make for an interesting night.

Why I'm excited for Saturday...

This season...

Life can change in an instant. One minute you know exactly where you are headed and why, knowing with all your heart you are following God's prompting and will, then suddenly, the road ends. A choice was made. The road is no more. And there you stand. Confused. Hurt. Lonely. Wondering where to go now. Waiting for God to recalculate and get you moving again. Only, for this moment, God is silent.

This is the season I'm in right now, in this instant, as I type. And I'll be brutally honest - it's hard. Really hard.

I never quite understood what people meant when they spoke about hearing God's voice, talking with God instead of at Him, knowing His will for their lives. It's a very abstract concept when you have never experienced it. Then, a few years ago, I heard it. It took me a while to realize who it was, but it was Him - my heavenly father. I didn't hear his voice about everything and I didn't hear it often, but I was starting to be able to recognize it. It's like how you recognize the people around you by their voices or their movements. You know it's them because you've spent enough time around them to just know.

I won't say my life became perfect the minute I started to recognize God's voice -- it didn't. I prayed for God to tell me what His will was -- and He did. But for a while, I fought it. I prayed for a "flashing neon sign" to tell me what to do...and when He gave me one, I ran. Because it was scary. But I learned to take steps in the direction He was guiding me. And the more faithful and obedient I was, the more He spoke. We were in constant conversation.

Then one day, it all changed.

Because we don't live this life alone - others are on the journey with us, and God gave us all free will. And the road ended. The neon sign faded and died. There I stood, not knowing where to go next. Waiting patiently to hear God's voice for guidance, only to hear nothing at all.

I know there are times when God chooses to remain silent. I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier when you have gone from climbing high on a mountain, to suddenly skidding to a halt at the bottom of a valley. Not knowing how to navigate this new territory, how to continue to remain faithful, how to not lose hope in God's will for your life, how to trust that God will recalculate a new path.

Over the last few weeks I've learned that even though God is not talking, He's still with me. He's next to me on this journey, and He's hurting with me. He's shown himself to me a few times, reminded me of His love and power and spoken through many around me. But just as you miss the voice of your mommy or daddy as a child when they've been away, I miss hearing God's voice.

Then yesterday I heard a song on the radio that I had all but forgot about. A song that spoke to exactly to where I am right here, right now. I Still Believe by Jeremy Camp:

"I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start"

"Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear"

"Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness"

"I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe"


This is my now. This is where I'm at. This is the season I'm living in.

I may not see God as I have been used to seeing Him. I may not hear God as I have been used to hearing Him. But I still believe. I still cry out to Him. I still run to Him. I still trust Him with all that I am. And I know, in His perfect timing, I'll hear His voice once again.