This season...

Life can change in an instant. One minute you know exactly where you are headed and why, knowing with all your heart you are following God's prompting and will, then suddenly, the road ends. A choice was made. The road is no more. And there you stand. Confused. Hurt. Lonely. Wondering where to go now. Waiting for God to recalculate and get you moving again. Only, for this moment, God is silent.

This is the season I'm in right now, in this instant, as I type. And I'll be brutally honest - it's hard. Really hard.

I never quite understood what people meant when they spoke about hearing God's voice, talking with God instead of at Him, knowing His will for their lives. It's a very abstract concept when you have never experienced it. Then, a few years ago, I heard it. It took me a while to realize who it was, but it was Him - my heavenly father. I didn't hear his voice about everything and I didn't hear it often, but I was starting to be able to recognize it. It's like how you recognize the people around you by their voices or their movements. You know it's them because you've spent enough time around them to just know.

I won't say my life became perfect the minute I started to recognize God's voice -- it didn't. I prayed for God to tell me what His will was -- and He did. But for a while, I fought it. I prayed for a "flashing neon sign" to tell me what to do...and when He gave me one, I ran. Because it was scary. But I learned to take steps in the direction He was guiding me. And the more faithful and obedient I was, the more He spoke. We were in constant conversation.

Then one day, it all changed.

Because we don't live this life alone - others are on the journey with us, and God gave us all free will. And the road ended. The neon sign faded and died. There I stood, not knowing where to go next. Waiting patiently to hear God's voice for guidance, only to hear nothing at all.

I know there are times when God chooses to remain silent. I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier when you have gone from climbing high on a mountain, to suddenly skidding to a halt at the bottom of a valley. Not knowing how to navigate this new territory, how to continue to remain faithful, how to not lose hope in God's will for your life, how to trust that God will recalculate a new path.

Over the last few weeks I've learned that even though God is not talking, He's still with me. He's next to me on this journey, and He's hurting with me. He's shown himself to me a few times, reminded me of His love and power and spoken through many around me. But just as you miss the voice of your mommy or daddy as a child when they've been away, I miss hearing God's voice.

Then yesterday I heard a song on the radio that I had all but forgot about. A song that spoke to exactly to where I am right here, right now. I Still Believe by Jeremy Camp:

"I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start"

"Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear"

"Well the only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers well in brokenness"

"I still believe in your faithfulness
I still believe in your truth
I still believe in your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe"


This is my now. This is where I'm at. This is the season I'm living in.

I may not see God as I have been used to seeing Him. I may not hear God as I have been used to hearing Him. But I still believe. I still cry out to Him. I still run to Him. I still trust Him with all that I am. And I know, in His perfect timing, I'll hear His voice once again.