The last week has been a roller coaster of emotion. I think I have felt practically every emotion possible including the absence of emotion. I have felt so close to God one day and so far away from Him the next. I have struggled between clinging to Him and pushing Him away. I think I may have done this with friends as well this week - I haven't opened up the doors of my soul this week when I needed to...some I have, but there are a few that normally sit wide open that have been boarded up and nailed down. I know I did this because I have a problem being weak sometimes - I had been making progress on allowing myself to be weak and let others hold me up. Then last Monday came...and when I was ready to be weak, I wasn't allowed to...I was told to hold in my emotion and be strong - at a time when I wanted nothing more than to be weak and to let someone else hold me up. I put up a wall that night...sure throughout the week many emotions trickled out around the doors and I cracked some others, but the majority of my emotion stayed locked inside. At Bev's funeral service I had a few moments where I almost became hysterical, but I kept it in (this time because I did not want to draw any extra attention to myself) I didnt realize how much this was truly effecting me until this morning as I was walking out to my car to head to work...I felt numb. I felt no emotion. At all. I have never felt numb before in my life and I thought it would scare me...but I was too numb to even feel fear. So I decided to pray.
I haven't done much praying since Friday and I haven't done much Bible study either...I was kinda angry at God and just didn't want to converse with Him - and all it did was hurt me. So this morning on the way to work, I talked to God...and tears appeared. I am sad. And I realized that it's okay. The crazy thing is that once I accepted and admitted to God that I missed Bev and I was sad, I started to feel better. I started to feel happier. I started remembering what all I have to be thankful for - and I started to remember Bev - and our times together and conversations...I wasn't the Jeanna she knew, the Jeanna everyone knows...I had become some other person since yesterday, and I was done. I love the real Jeanna. I love who I am (even with the things I would like to change) And so I am going to look forward from this point on...Bev wouldn't want it any other way, God wouldn't want it any other way, and I don't want it any other way.
So in light of it being Valentines Day, I decided to post a few pictures of some of the things I love.
I have some of the most amazing people in my life and I thank God for each and every one of you! Thank you all for being amazing support systems for me this last week - you all helped get me through. I love you all! Happy Valentines Day!
"Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them, but you know they are always there."
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