Past mistakes

Not too long ago something hit home for me.

Hard.

It was something I either heard or read, and somehow I don't even have a semblance of a clue where it came from. I just know the question that would not let me be. The question that hurt more to think about than probably any question in a long time.

Who have you led astray?

Although its only five words, and a seemingly simple question, once I started really thinking about my answer, the floodgates burst open. And sometimes it really hurts to think about my past and the mistakes I have made. I have changed so much in the last six years that I often doubt people from my life then would even "recognize" me now. A part of me wanted to run the other way - back to the place where I am now. But I knew I needed to deal with the guilt I was feeling. And the only way for me to deal with it was to deal with each example head on.

I started seeing faces and remembering. I started questioning myself - what if I was brought into this person's life to show them God, to show them His love, and instead, I blew it. I got wrapped up in the things of this world and the desires and actions of those people around me. And the hard part is that wondering what if each time God kept sending me another chance, only to blow it time and time again.

Sometimes I think forgiving yourself is harder than any other kind of forgiveness.

Thankfully I have an amazing father in heaven who loved me then, loves me now, and will love me all the days ahead. The mercy and grace he has shown me time and again still leaves me in awe. And I know many times throughout this past series on Grace at GCC God was speaking directly to me. He wanted me to know I am forgiven and loved and that now it was my turn. I needed to forgive myself and just continue to take the next right step. If anything I know now more than ever the importance of continually taking steps towards God and growing in your relationship with him. Years ago when I made these mistakes I didn't understand many of the things I do now. I was a Christian by technicality and didn't know it was supposed to be any other way.

I know now. And I know that I need to be prepared for next time - strong in my faith and my knowledge of his word.

I forgave myself for messing up.

Now all I can do is pray for these people that some day someone else will help them to see the way...