Temptation. What entices me. How to resist temptation. Who will help me along the way. These are all things flowing through my thoughts since Saturday night. And they all have to do with marshmallows.
This weekend at GCC Rob delivered a message that hit to the core at an unexpected time. He asked us what our marshmallows, otherwise known as our temptations, were. I have known for a while two of my temptations and lately they have been fairly inactive. I have taken steps to keep them under control and I found myself listening to the message, but not having it hit anywhere close to home. I took the message more of a reminder for when the two temptations I was aware of hit.
Then he said something that I didn’t really listen to. He said when we left church that night we would be hit with temptation. I didn’t really see how this was possible.
Within a few hours I was being hit. Only I wasn’t prepared. This was a marshmallow I didn’t even consider to be a marshmallow. And the next day another marshmallow appeared. These two things had been a part of my life and who I am and how I function for so long that it never even occurred to me that they were marshmallows as well. And satan being the ever sneaky guy that he is, always tries to bring me down at night. When its late, I’m tired and my defenses are down. Those times when you just want to take the easy way out.
It’s times like these that I am so thankful that I am not alone. I have some amazing people in my life who remind me of who I am and how faithful God is. They lift me up and fight for me when I feel like I can’t fight for myself. We truly do life together. And thankfully last night when I was struggling and feeling the pull of the easy way out, one of them was there. She is one of the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for and she has fought for me time and time again when satan decides to reek havoc in my life. God always provides a way out to stand up to temptation. And I believe often times it comes in the form of community. Rob also said if you fight the battle alone, you will fail. And I truly believe that. If I had tried to battle alone last night, without God and without my best friend, I may have taken the quick, easy road. Which in the end, would have been the more painful, lonely road.
I know what my marshmallows are…and I know there are people fighting right along side me.
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
Monday, May 14, 2007
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Past mistakes
Not too long ago something hit home for me.
Hard.
It was something I either heard or read, and somehow I don't even have a semblance of a clue where it came from. I just know the question that would not let me be. The question that hurt more to think about than probably any question in a long time.
Who have you led astray?
Although its only five words, and a seemingly simple question, once I started really thinking about my answer, the floodgates burst open. And sometimes it really hurts to think about my past and the mistakes I have made. I have changed so much in the last six years that I often doubt people from my life then would even "recognize" me now. A part of me wanted to run the other way - back to the place where I am now. But I knew I needed to deal with the guilt I was feeling. And the only way for me to deal with it was to deal with each example head on.
I started seeing faces and remembering. I started questioning myself - what if I was brought into this person's life to show them God, to show them His love, and instead, I blew it. I got wrapped up in the things of this world and the desires and actions of those people around me. And the hard part is that wondering what if each time God kept sending me another chance, only to blow it time and time again.
Sometimes I think forgiving yourself is harder than any other kind of forgiveness.
Thankfully I have an amazing father in heaven who loved me then, loves me now, and will love me all the days ahead. The mercy and grace he has shown me time and again still leaves me in awe. And I know many times throughout this past series on Grace at GCC God was speaking directly to me. He wanted me to know I am forgiven and loved and that now it was my turn. I needed to forgive myself and just continue to take the next right step. If anything I know now more than ever the importance of continually taking steps towards God and growing in your relationship with him. Years ago when I made these mistakes I didn't understand many of the things I do now. I was a Christian by technicality and didn't know it was supposed to be any other way.
I know now. And I know that I need to be prepared for next time - strong in my faith and my knowledge of his word.
I forgave myself for messing up.
Now all I can do is pray for these people that some day someone else will help them to see the way...
Hard.
It was something I either heard or read, and somehow I don't even have a semblance of a clue where it came from. I just know the question that would not let me be. The question that hurt more to think about than probably any question in a long time.
Who have you led astray?
Although its only five words, and a seemingly simple question, once I started really thinking about my answer, the floodgates burst open. And sometimes it really hurts to think about my past and the mistakes I have made. I have changed so much in the last six years that I often doubt people from my life then would even "recognize" me now. A part of me wanted to run the other way - back to the place where I am now. But I knew I needed to deal with the guilt I was feeling. And the only way for me to deal with it was to deal with each example head on.
I started seeing faces and remembering. I started questioning myself - what if I was brought into this person's life to show them God, to show them His love, and instead, I blew it. I got wrapped up in the things of this world and the desires and actions of those people around me. And the hard part is that wondering what if each time God kept sending me another chance, only to blow it time and time again.
Sometimes I think forgiving yourself is harder than any other kind of forgiveness.
Thankfully I have an amazing father in heaven who loved me then, loves me now, and will love me all the days ahead. The mercy and grace he has shown me time and again still leaves me in awe. And I know many times throughout this past series on Grace at GCC God was speaking directly to me. He wanted me to know I am forgiven and loved and that now it was my turn. I needed to forgive myself and just continue to take the next right step. If anything I know now more than ever the importance of continually taking steps towards God and growing in your relationship with him. Years ago when I made these mistakes I didn't understand many of the things I do now. I was a Christian by technicality and didn't know it was supposed to be any other way.
I know now. And I know that I need to be prepared for next time - strong in my faith and my knowledge of his word.
I forgave myself for messing up.
Now all I can do is pray for these people that some day someone else will help them to see the way...
Thursday, April 26, 2007
It's a heart thing
For the last two weeks I have been meaning to blog about the "whoa", the "wow" the "a-ha" and the "holy geez" moments in my life. As I have just not had the words lately, more and more moments have been compounding - let's just say God has been doing some amazing things in my life and my heart lately.
To go into detail would take way too much of your precious time to read, so instead I am going to do a brief overview...
Over my mini-vacation to Chicago I read a book that is now on my to-buy and highlight list (working at a library allows me the luxury to read the book before purchasing) as it has completely smacked me over the head and left me thinking for weeks now. The irony of this book is that I picked it up not knowing it was a "Christian" book - I assumed it was a "secular" (for lack of a better word) book of opinions on love, sex and dating and I was curious to see what this author had to say about it. If I had known it was a "christian" book with christ-centered ideas I don't know that I would have necessarily picked it up. I wasn't in the mood for "deep". Funny how God had a completely different set of ideas in mind. And thanks to the Big Guy upstairs for outsmarting me again - He knew what I needed more than I did. Shouldn't really surprise me though... for those of you dying to know, its called Undressed: The Naked Truth about Love, Sex, and Dating by Jason Illian. Highly recommend it!
GCC is currently in the Sound Vows series, all about marriage. Amazingly I am learning a lot for not being married :) So many of the things I've heard have changed ME and MY way of thinking, which influences the relationships I am in and my future marriage. Ironically the service I heard the day after I finished Undressed, reiterated some of the very things I had been challenged by reading the book. Which lead me to look up to the sky and utter the words that I know made Abba's day - Got it God. Point taken.
New Community is all about Grace lately - and that too has brought me to many new crossroads and given me some closure on my past. Funny how you can think you have dealt with all your baggage, only to have new baggage resurface that you had hidden so deep inside of you it is like it never existed. There's always baggage to deal with. You just have to keep dealing with it instead of holding on to it tighter.
Then today I was skimming through Corey's blog, as I so often do to get a glimpse of what new movies or books to check out, what strange tidbit he has found on the internet, or what deep thought he has for the day. And I read a posting dedicated to another person's blog, about someone they know. And even though I don't know these people, it hit home. It's all about a man devoted to his calling to God and the woman who supports him - the type of woman I am trying to become and the wife I hope to be someday. It also reminds me of the type of relationship I want and the type of man I want to marry. Read it here, but beware, it'll hit you where it counts the most and the tears might possibly well if not flow. I know it did with me...
To go into detail would take way too much of your precious time to read, so instead I am going to do a brief overview...
Over my mini-vacation to Chicago I read a book that is now on my to-buy and highlight list (working at a library allows me the luxury to read the book before purchasing) as it has completely smacked me over the head and left me thinking for weeks now. The irony of this book is that I picked it up not knowing it was a "Christian" book - I assumed it was a "secular" (for lack of a better word) book of opinions on love, sex and dating and I was curious to see what this author had to say about it. If I had known it was a "christian" book with christ-centered ideas I don't know that I would have necessarily picked it up. I wasn't in the mood for "deep". Funny how God had a completely different set of ideas in mind. And thanks to the Big Guy upstairs for outsmarting me again - He knew what I needed more than I did. Shouldn't really surprise me though... for those of you dying to know, its called Undressed: The Naked Truth about Love, Sex, and Dating by Jason Illian. Highly recommend it!
GCC is currently in the Sound Vows series, all about marriage. Amazingly I am learning a lot for not being married :) So many of the things I've heard have changed ME and MY way of thinking, which influences the relationships I am in and my future marriage. Ironically the service I heard the day after I finished Undressed, reiterated some of the very things I had been challenged by reading the book. Which lead me to look up to the sky and utter the words that I know made Abba's day - Got it God. Point taken.
New Community is all about Grace lately - and that too has brought me to many new crossroads and given me some closure on my past. Funny how you can think you have dealt with all your baggage, only to have new baggage resurface that you had hidden so deep inside of you it is like it never existed. There's always baggage to deal with. You just have to keep dealing with it instead of holding on to it tighter.
Then today I was skimming through Corey's blog, as I so often do to get a glimpse of what new movies or books to check out, what strange tidbit he has found on the internet, or what deep thought he has for the day. And I read a posting dedicated to another person's blog, about someone they know. And even though I don't know these people, it hit home. It's all about a man devoted to his calling to God and the woman who supports him - the type of woman I am trying to become and the wife I hope to be someday. It also reminds me of the type of relationship I want and the type of man I want to marry. Read it here, but beware, it'll hit you where it counts the most and the tears might possibly well if not flow. I know it did with me...
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Randomness...
So I know that most everyone knows how utterly random I am - and tonight just goes to prove that fact...
Here's why...
I don't normally drink anything with caffeine after 5ish or I am wired until atleast 12 or 1 am. And tonight I had a caffeinated full o'sugar beverage before church! So I am currently loaded with energy! I decided I would come home after church and do my cleaning and organizing so I can enjoy the day tomorrow. I know what you are thinking - thats not THAT random. Oh, but wait, there's more... as I was glancing through the cupboards looking for a snack since I haven't eaten much today, I spotted it. The can of french fried onions. And SUDDENLY I wanted green bean casserole. So what did Jeanna do but pop open the cans, stir the stuff together and pop that puppy in the oven at 1015 at night! And I am patiently awaiting my fresh from the oven treat in approximately 30 minutes. Who does that!?! Who makes green bean casserole at 1015 at night?!?!
Apparently I do.
Here's why...
I don't normally drink anything with caffeine after 5ish or I am wired until atleast 12 or 1 am. And tonight I had a caffeinated full o'sugar beverage before church! So I am currently loaded with energy! I decided I would come home after church and do my cleaning and organizing so I can enjoy the day tomorrow. I know what you are thinking - thats not THAT random. Oh, but wait, there's more... as I was glancing through the cupboards looking for a snack since I haven't eaten much today, I spotted it. The can of french fried onions. And SUDDENLY I wanted green bean casserole. So what did Jeanna do but pop open the cans, stir the stuff together and pop that puppy in the oven at 1015 at night! And I am patiently awaiting my fresh from the oven treat in approximately 30 minutes. Who does that!?! Who makes green bean casserole at 1015 at night?!?!
Apparently I do.
The Past
This past week God has been trying to get my attention. Out of nowhere I started thinking about someone in my past that I have yet to forgive – truly forgive. This person was someone who hurt me deeper than anything or anyone else ever had and left me feeling like a worthless, shell of a person. Over time I grew from the pain, matured as a person and learned to rely on God for my worth. I am a completely different person today than I was then – I honestly believe that if this person from my past reappeared today and took time to talk with me, they would not even recognize who I have become. It’s truly amazing how the people you chose to surround yourself with influence the person you are becoming. I am truly blessed by my group of friends and my church family…the love I experience every day from them is beyond words. Through them I feel the love of Christ.
But even while growing closer to God and “doing life” with amazing people, I was still harboring anger towards this person from my past. This became extremely apparent to me last week. While a group of us were chatting at GCC, one of my friends saw someone from her past head into church. It was someone who she had a falling out with. It made me stop and think about this person – one of the people I truly would never want to run into at GCC. It bothered me to realize that I didn’t know for sure if I would welcome them and pray for God to reach them. If I had seen them at that moment, a part of me wouldn’t have wanted them there. And that bothered me. A lot. I love GCC – it changed my life and I want others to experience the same love that I did. I knew right then I had some stuff to deal with.
All week it would sporadically pop into my mind. There is a Nooma by Rob Bell all about forgiveness and in it there is one phrase that has stuck with me: To forgive someone is to truly wish them well. Wednesday night I spent an hour wrestling with God over this phrase – knowing I needed to forgive this person – not knowing how. I ended up asking God to help me to forgive them – and that I was finally ready to.
Then Thursday’s New Community came. If you were at the service Thursday, or happen to have caught it online, you already know what the service was about. And are probably, right now as you are reading this, snickering at how God works. Perhaps even remembering how God worked in you during that same service. But for those of you who are currently completely in the dark and utterly confused, I will fill you in…
Our current New Community is all about Grace. Yup, Grace. And you guessed it; this week was all about forgiving those who have hurt us. As Dr. Bob was talking about people who have hurt us, and about loving and forgiving, the person who had hurt me so badly never even came to mind. I think its because I have suppressed it for so long, that is what was comfortable for me. Then out of nowhere – BAM – God used Dr. Bob to whack me upside the head. Dr. Bob started using examples of exactly the way I am in regard to this person – they hurt me, I avoid places where I might possibly run into them, etc. I swear it felt like Dr. Bob was only talking to me. And I knew it was time to forgive. I had prayed for God to help me, and He chose to use Dr. Bob at a New Community.
It’s gone now – I’ve forgiven and can truly say that I wish them well. I’m praying for them and for their future and that perhaps someday they will get to experience the amazing love of God like I have. And I know now that if I happen to run into this person at GCC, I will say hello, welcome them with love as so many people have for me, and thank God for bringing them there.
But even while growing closer to God and “doing life” with amazing people, I was still harboring anger towards this person from my past. This became extremely apparent to me last week. While a group of us were chatting at GCC, one of my friends saw someone from her past head into church. It was someone who she had a falling out with. It made me stop and think about this person – one of the people I truly would never want to run into at GCC. It bothered me to realize that I didn’t know for sure if I would welcome them and pray for God to reach them. If I had seen them at that moment, a part of me wouldn’t have wanted them there. And that bothered me. A lot. I love GCC – it changed my life and I want others to experience the same love that I did. I knew right then I had some stuff to deal with.
All week it would sporadically pop into my mind. There is a Nooma by Rob Bell all about forgiveness and in it there is one phrase that has stuck with me: To forgive someone is to truly wish them well. Wednesday night I spent an hour wrestling with God over this phrase – knowing I needed to forgive this person – not knowing how. I ended up asking God to help me to forgive them – and that I was finally ready to.
Then Thursday’s New Community came. If you were at the service Thursday, or happen to have caught it online, you already know what the service was about. And are probably, right now as you are reading this, snickering at how God works. Perhaps even remembering how God worked in you during that same service. But for those of you who are currently completely in the dark and utterly confused, I will fill you in…
Our current New Community is all about Grace. Yup, Grace. And you guessed it; this week was all about forgiving those who have hurt us. As Dr. Bob was talking about people who have hurt us, and about loving and forgiving, the person who had hurt me so badly never even came to mind. I think its because I have suppressed it for so long, that is what was comfortable for me. Then out of nowhere – BAM – God used Dr. Bob to whack me upside the head. Dr. Bob started using examples of exactly the way I am in regard to this person – they hurt me, I avoid places where I might possibly run into them, etc. I swear it felt like Dr. Bob was only talking to me. And I knew it was time to forgive. I had prayed for God to help me, and He chose to use Dr. Bob at a New Community.
It’s gone now – I’ve forgiven and can truly say that I wish them well. I’m praying for them and for their future and that perhaps someday they will get to experience the amazing love of God like I have. And I know now that if I happen to run into this person at GCC, I will say hello, welcome them with love as so many people have for me, and thank God for bringing them there.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
I love vacations - even mini ones!
I have had a day and a half of laughter and bliss! For those of you unaware, Tara and I are in the wonderful little town of Chicago! I can hear the trains running just on the other side of the hotel as I type. Took a little while to get used to, but apparently it didnt bother me too much because I slept right through them last night. Completely different then home, thats for sure :)
Sorry...lost track of my thoughts for a second...back to the task at hand...blogging...yes blogging. Have you ever had those times when you have been so stressed, and are aware of it, but don't realize the extent of it until you are finally able to wind down and relax? That is where I am at right now. Today I didn't do my hair or make up at all - and it was amazingly freeing!
Today was filled with reading (an absolutely AMAZING book that will be blogged about after I finish it - which will most likely be tonight or tomorrow), napping, watching the news (the Chicago Fox News here that I watched this morning is hilarious! I absolutely loved it and am looking forward to tomorrow morning), working out and just chilling. Tomorrow will include much the same but a trip to the pool shall be included as well :) This has been the recharge I have so desperately needed!
Yesterday included a hilarious road trip - including getting slightly lost more than once and TONS of laughter over all kinds of really dumb things! And the highlight of the day was the trip to IKEA! Being that Tara and I were IKEA virgins, it was so much fun to explore and freak out together! I am completely in love with that store and desperately want one to come to the Michiana area!
Thanks to those of you who texted and called today! I hate feeling disconnected from my loved ones, so it was great to get to chat!
Sorry for the randomness but my brain is happy to be on vacation and I am currently also watching one of my new favorite movies, The Holiday, and chatting with Tara so I am going to end this little piece of rambling - if it doesnt make much sense, read it again while multitasking and maybe it will :)
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Heading on out...
...in about 2 hours! Tara and I are roadtripping it to Chicago for her to get training and for me to get ME and GOD time :) YAY! Please pray for a safe trip...and if you feel like calling, feel free :) I should be around most of the time until Monday when I head back to work! hehe...although, I should warn you, there may be times that I am swimming in the pool (hehe) or working out that I will be away from my phone since you know water and phones dont mix and sweat and phones just plain grosses me out!
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