Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. Not much talking, but lots of thinking. A few weeks back I realized something about myself. Something I knew was always there, but chose not to acknowledge. After some tears and chats with God, I was finally able to process and accept what I was feeling. Since that late night I have thought about it often, but have yet to share my burden with anyone. And as much as I hate to admit it, I haven’t taken any steps in the right direction since. Then New Community came tonight.
If you would have told me going in to the service that God would bring it back up, I would have said you were crazy. The service was about worship. But somehow, during the service, Jason spoke the exact words I had been feeling. The rest of the service was about community. And I realized I can’t ignore this. God wants me to deal with it. And He’ll be there to help me, I just need to ask.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Strengths
Once again it has been longer than I like since I have posted a blog. Now this isn't for a lack of topics - I am constantly having things pop in my head I want to blog about, but more of a lack of time to post or to process fully my thoughts. The following has been brewing inside my head for almost a month now...
When I started my new job my team had just started reading a book on discovering your strengths. We all read on our own, took a strength evaluation quiz and discussed what the outcome of our quizzes. At first I didn't agree with the top five strengths this online quiz said I supposedly had. I just thought it was another quiz that tries to tell me who I am when they don't even know me. The funny thing though is that weeks after processing my top five strengths according to this quiz, and reading real life examples of this strengths in use, I really am my top five. I won't bother with the technical terms for the strengths that you won't understand, but two of the five had the same recurring theme. Helping others.
I love to help others. I love to be able to relieve stress people feel or just to do something nice for someone for no reason at all. I have been a helper-at-heart for as long as I can remember. It suits me. It is me. But what I have come to realize is that my strengths can also be my biggest weakness.
Last week one of my friends and I were discussing this strength of helping others, seeing the potential in others and encouraging them. She brought up a very good point - this strength can easily turn into a weakness. The weakness of seeing people with rose-colored glasses. Seeing only the potential in people and not seeing the real person behind it. This tends to happen the most in dating. The "oh but he has so much potential, I can help him become the man he is meant to be" syndrome. The "he just needs someone to care and to encourage him" disease. As much as I hate to admit it, I have been there before. Many times.
Over time though I have learned from my past mistakes. Many-a-broken heart often helps that process along. It just serves as a reminder to me to keep my strengths and my natural tendencies in check.
Too much of a good thing is most often a bad thing.
When I started my new job my team had just started reading a book on discovering your strengths. We all read on our own, took a strength evaluation quiz and discussed what the outcome of our quizzes. At first I didn't agree with the top five strengths this online quiz said I supposedly had. I just thought it was another quiz that tries to tell me who I am when they don't even know me. The funny thing though is that weeks after processing my top five strengths according to this quiz, and reading real life examples of this strengths in use, I really am my top five. I won't bother with the technical terms for the strengths that you won't understand, but two of the five had the same recurring theme. Helping others.
I love to help others. I love to be able to relieve stress people feel or just to do something nice for someone for no reason at all. I have been a helper-at-heart for as long as I can remember. It suits me. It is me. But what I have come to realize is that my strengths can also be my biggest weakness.
Last week one of my friends and I were discussing this strength of helping others, seeing the potential in others and encouraging them. She brought up a very good point - this strength can easily turn into a weakness. The weakness of seeing people with rose-colored glasses. Seeing only the potential in people and not seeing the real person behind it. This tends to happen the most in dating. The "oh but he has so much potential, I can help him become the man he is meant to be" syndrome. The "he just needs someone to care and to encourage him" disease. As much as I hate to admit it, I have been there before. Many times.
Over time though I have learned from my past mistakes. Many-a-broken heart often helps that process along. It just serves as a reminder to me to keep my strengths and my natural tendencies in check.
Too much of a good thing is most often a bad thing.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Changes
I can't believe how long its been since I have last blogged! And there have been some changes going on in my life...
We'll start with the little ones first...I recently joined Anytime Fitness. On my first day working out I decided to weigh in (as much as I loathed doing it!) so I would know where I was starting from. And for once I was pleasantly surprised. Excited even. Possibly even ecstatic. I had lost 7 lbs! People had started mentioning that I looked like I had been losing weight, but honestly, I didnt believe them. Yea I had drastically changed my eating habits, and I was getting outside and walking more, but I honestly didn't think that would have had any influence. Apparently I was wrong. So I have been working out regularly for two weeks now and I love it! So far I have stuck to cardio but hopefully soon I'll get up the courage to move to the other side of the gym and start building up some muscle.
God's been doing some work in my life - some struggles, some strengths, much learning. But thats a whole 'nother blog :) No worries though, Jeanna is happy through it all!
And now on to the BIG change in the life of Jeanna. Are you sitting down? I am no longer a full time employee of the library. For those of you who have known me for a while, you are quite aware that I have worked at the library for nine years. Yep, you read that right, nine years. A few months ago though I started feeling the pull that it was time for a new job. After much prayer and patience, I started looking. And multiple interviews later, I was hired as the Web Services Coordinator for GCC. While I am still learning the job, I already love it. I'm so excited for when I get to really dig in and fly with my new knowledge :) But with every good thing comes a few cons. Many of my old co-workers were my "other" family. We've been through the good and the bad together and it is hard to feel so disconnected. Thankfully I am completely addicted to the library and will be visiting often. I know though that right now, THIS is where God wants me to be. This is where I need to be. And I'm hoping my number of newly found gray hairs will begin to decrease :)
We'll start with the little ones first...I recently joined Anytime Fitness. On my first day working out I decided to weigh in (as much as I loathed doing it!) so I would know where I was starting from. And for once I was pleasantly surprised. Excited even. Possibly even ecstatic. I had lost 7 lbs! People had started mentioning that I looked like I had been losing weight, but honestly, I didnt believe them. Yea I had drastically changed my eating habits, and I was getting outside and walking more, but I honestly didn't think that would have had any influence. Apparently I was wrong. So I have been working out regularly for two weeks now and I love it! So far I have stuck to cardio but hopefully soon I'll get up the courage to move to the other side of the gym and start building up some muscle.
God's been doing some work in my life - some struggles, some strengths, much learning. But thats a whole 'nother blog :) No worries though, Jeanna is happy through it all!
And now on to the BIG change in the life of Jeanna. Are you sitting down? I am no longer a full time employee of the library. For those of you who have known me for a while, you are quite aware that I have worked at the library for nine years. Yep, you read that right, nine years. A few months ago though I started feeling the pull that it was time for a new job. After much prayer and patience, I started looking. And multiple interviews later, I was hired as the Web Services Coordinator for GCC. While I am still learning the job, I already love it. I'm so excited for when I get to really dig in and fly with my new knowledge :) But with every good thing comes a few cons. Many of my old co-workers were my "other" family. We've been through the good and the bad together and it is hard to feel so disconnected. Thankfully I am completely addicted to the library and will be visiting often. I know though that right now, THIS is where God wants me to be. This is where I need to be. And I'm hoping my number of newly found gray hairs will begin to decrease :)
Monday, May 14, 2007
My marshmallow
Temptation. What entices me. How to resist temptation. Who will help me along the way. These are all things flowing through my thoughts since Saturday night. And they all have to do with marshmallows.
This weekend at GCC Rob delivered a message that hit to the core at an unexpected time. He asked us what our marshmallows, otherwise known as our temptations, were. I have known for a while two of my temptations and lately they have been fairly inactive. I have taken steps to keep them under control and I found myself listening to the message, but not having it hit anywhere close to home. I took the message more of a reminder for when the two temptations I was aware of hit.
Then he said something that I didn’t really listen to. He said when we left church that night we would be hit with temptation. I didn’t really see how this was possible.
Within a few hours I was being hit. Only I wasn’t prepared. This was a marshmallow I didn’t even consider to be a marshmallow. And the next day another marshmallow appeared. These two things had been a part of my life and who I am and how I function for so long that it never even occurred to me that they were marshmallows as well. And satan being the ever sneaky guy that he is, always tries to bring me down at night. When its late, I’m tired and my defenses are down. Those times when you just want to take the easy way out.
It’s times like these that I am so thankful that I am not alone. I have some amazing people in my life who remind me of who I am and how faithful God is. They lift me up and fight for me when I feel like I can’t fight for myself. We truly do life together. And thankfully last night when I was struggling and feeling the pull of the easy way out, one of them was there. She is one of the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for and she has fought for me time and time again when satan decides to reek havoc in my life. God always provides a way out to stand up to temptation. And I believe often times it comes in the form of community. Rob also said if you fight the battle alone, you will fail. And I truly believe that. If I had tried to battle alone last night, without God and without my best friend, I may have taken the quick, easy road. Which in the end, would have been the more painful, lonely road.
I know what my marshmallows are…and I know there are people fighting right along side me.
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
This weekend at GCC Rob delivered a message that hit to the core at an unexpected time. He asked us what our marshmallows, otherwise known as our temptations, were. I have known for a while two of my temptations and lately they have been fairly inactive. I have taken steps to keep them under control and I found myself listening to the message, but not having it hit anywhere close to home. I took the message more of a reminder for when the two temptations I was aware of hit.
Then he said something that I didn’t really listen to. He said when we left church that night we would be hit with temptation. I didn’t really see how this was possible.
Within a few hours I was being hit. Only I wasn’t prepared. This was a marshmallow I didn’t even consider to be a marshmallow. And the next day another marshmallow appeared. These two things had been a part of my life and who I am and how I function for so long that it never even occurred to me that they were marshmallows as well. And satan being the ever sneaky guy that he is, always tries to bring me down at night. When its late, I’m tired and my defenses are down. Those times when you just want to take the easy way out.
It’s times like these that I am so thankful that I am not alone. I have some amazing people in my life who remind me of who I am and how faithful God is. They lift me up and fight for me when I feel like I can’t fight for myself. We truly do life together. And thankfully last night when I was struggling and feeling the pull of the easy way out, one of them was there. She is one of the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for and she has fought for me time and time again when satan decides to reek havoc in my life. God always provides a way out to stand up to temptation. And I believe often times it comes in the form of community. Rob also said if you fight the battle alone, you will fail. And I truly believe that. If I had tried to battle alone last night, without God and without my best friend, I may have taken the quick, easy road. Which in the end, would have been the more painful, lonely road.
I know what my marshmallows are…and I know there are people fighting right along side me.
“No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Past mistakes
Not too long ago something hit home for me.
Hard.
It was something I either heard or read, and somehow I don't even have a semblance of a clue where it came from. I just know the question that would not let me be. The question that hurt more to think about than probably any question in a long time.
Who have you led astray?
Although its only five words, and a seemingly simple question, once I started really thinking about my answer, the floodgates burst open. And sometimes it really hurts to think about my past and the mistakes I have made. I have changed so much in the last six years that I often doubt people from my life then would even "recognize" me now. A part of me wanted to run the other way - back to the place where I am now. But I knew I needed to deal with the guilt I was feeling. And the only way for me to deal with it was to deal with each example head on.
I started seeing faces and remembering. I started questioning myself - what if I was brought into this person's life to show them God, to show them His love, and instead, I blew it. I got wrapped up in the things of this world and the desires and actions of those people around me. And the hard part is that wondering what if each time God kept sending me another chance, only to blow it time and time again.
Sometimes I think forgiving yourself is harder than any other kind of forgiveness.
Thankfully I have an amazing father in heaven who loved me then, loves me now, and will love me all the days ahead. The mercy and grace he has shown me time and again still leaves me in awe. And I know many times throughout this past series on Grace at GCC God was speaking directly to me. He wanted me to know I am forgiven and loved and that now it was my turn. I needed to forgive myself and just continue to take the next right step. If anything I know now more than ever the importance of continually taking steps towards God and growing in your relationship with him. Years ago when I made these mistakes I didn't understand many of the things I do now. I was a Christian by technicality and didn't know it was supposed to be any other way.
I know now. And I know that I need to be prepared for next time - strong in my faith and my knowledge of his word.
I forgave myself for messing up.
Now all I can do is pray for these people that some day someone else will help them to see the way...
Hard.
It was something I either heard or read, and somehow I don't even have a semblance of a clue where it came from. I just know the question that would not let me be. The question that hurt more to think about than probably any question in a long time.
Who have you led astray?
Although its only five words, and a seemingly simple question, once I started really thinking about my answer, the floodgates burst open. And sometimes it really hurts to think about my past and the mistakes I have made. I have changed so much in the last six years that I often doubt people from my life then would even "recognize" me now. A part of me wanted to run the other way - back to the place where I am now. But I knew I needed to deal with the guilt I was feeling. And the only way for me to deal with it was to deal with each example head on.
I started seeing faces and remembering. I started questioning myself - what if I was brought into this person's life to show them God, to show them His love, and instead, I blew it. I got wrapped up in the things of this world and the desires and actions of those people around me. And the hard part is that wondering what if each time God kept sending me another chance, only to blow it time and time again.
Sometimes I think forgiving yourself is harder than any other kind of forgiveness.
Thankfully I have an amazing father in heaven who loved me then, loves me now, and will love me all the days ahead. The mercy and grace he has shown me time and again still leaves me in awe. And I know many times throughout this past series on Grace at GCC God was speaking directly to me. He wanted me to know I am forgiven and loved and that now it was my turn. I needed to forgive myself and just continue to take the next right step. If anything I know now more than ever the importance of continually taking steps towards God and growing in your relationship with him. Years ago when I made these mistakes I didn't understand many of the things I do now. I was a Christian by technicality and didn't know it was supposed to be any other way.
I know now. And I know that I need to be prepared for next time - strong in my faith and my knowledge of his word.
I forgave myself for messing up.
Now all I can do is pray for these people that some day someone else will help them to see the way...
Thursday, April 26, 2007
It's a heart thing
For the last two weeks I have been meaning to blog about the "whoa", the "wow" the "a-ha" and the "holy geez" moments in my life. As I have just not had the words lately, more and more moments have been compounding - let's just say God has been doing some amazing things in my life and my heart lately.
To go into detail would take way too much of your precious time to read, so instead I am going to do a brief overview...
Over my mini-vacation to Chicago I read a book that is now on my to-buy and highlight list (working at a library allows me the luxury to read the book before purchasing) as it has completely smacked me over the head and left me thinking for weeks now. The irony of this book is that I picked it up not knowing it was a "Christian" book - I assumed it was a "secular" (for lack of a better word) book of opinions on love, sex and dating and I was curious to see what this author had to say about it. If I had known it was a "christian" book with christ-centered ideas I don't know that I would have necessarily picked it up. I wasn't in the mood for "deep". Funny how God had a completely different set of ideas in mind. And thanks to the Big Guy upstairs for outsmarting me again - He knew what I needed more than I did. Shouldn't really surprise me though... for those of you dying to know, its called Undressed: The Naked Truth about Love, Sex, and Dating by Jason Illian. Highly recommend it!
GCC is currently in the Sound Vows series, all about marriage. Amazingly I am learning a lot for not being married :) So many of the things I've heard have changed ME and MY way of thinking, which influences the relationships I am in and my future marriage. Ironically the service I heard the day after I finished Undressed, reiterated some of the very things I had been challenged by reading the book. Which lead me to look up to the sky and utter the words that I know made Abba's day - Got it God. Point taken.
New Community is all about Grace lately - and that too has brought me to many new crossroads and given me some closure on my past. Funny how you can think you have dealt with all your baggage, only to have new baggage resurface that you had hidden so deep inside of you it is like it never existed. There's always baggage to deal with. You just have to keep dealing with it instead of holding on to it tighter.
Then today I was skimming through Corey's blog, as I so often do to get a glimpse of what new movies or books to check out, what strange tidbit he has found on the internet, or what deep thought he has for the day. And I read a posting dedicated to another person's blog, about someone they know. And even though I don't know these people, it hit home. It's all about a man devoted to his calling to God and the woman who supports him - the type of woman I am trying to become and the wife I hope to be someday. It also reminds me of the type of relationship I want and the type of man I want to marry. Read it here, but beware, it'll hit you where it counts the most and the tears might possibly well if not flow. I know it did with me...
To go into detail would take way too much of your precious time to read, so instead I am going to do a brief overview...
Over my mini-vacation to Chicago I read a book that is now on my to-buy and highlight list (working at a library allows me the luxury to read the book before purchasing) as it has completely smacked me over the head and left me thinking for weeks now. The irony of this book is that I picked it up not knowing it was a "Christian" book - I assumed it was a "secular" (for lack of a better word) book of opinions on love, sex and dating and I was curious to see what this author had to say about it. If I had known it was a "christian" book with christ-centered ideas I don't know that I would have necessarily picked it up. I wasn't in the mood for "deep". Funny how God had a completely different set of ideas in mind. And thanks to the Big Guy upstairs for outsmarting me again - He knew what I needed more than I did. Shouldn't really surprise me though... for those of you dying to know, its called Undressed: The Naked Truth about Love, Sex, and Dating by Jason Illian. Highly recommend it!
GCC is currently in the Sound Vows series, all about marriage. Amazingly I am learning a lot for not being married :) So many of the things I've heard have changed ME and MY way of thinking, which influences the relationships I am in and my future marriage. Ironically the service I heard the day after I finished Undressed, reiterated some of the very things I had been challenged by reading the book. Which lead me to look up to the sky and utter the words that I know made Abba's day - Got it God. Point taken.
New Community is all about Grace lately - and that too has brought me to many new crossroads and given me some closure on my past. Funny how you can think you have dealt with all your baggage, only to have new baggage resurface that you had hidden so deep inside of you it is like it never existed. There's always baggage to deal with. You just have to keep dealing with it instead of holding on to it tighter.
Then today I was skimming through Corey's blog, as I so often do to get a glimpse of what new movies or books to check out, what strange tidbit he has found on the internet, or what deep thought he has for the day. And I read a posting dedicated to another person's blog, about someone they know. And even though I don't know these people, it hit home. It's all about a man devoted to his calling to God and the woman who supports him - the type of woman I am trying to become and the wife I hope to be someday. It also reminds me of the type of relationship I want and the type of man I want to marry. Read it here, but beware, it'll hit you where it counts the most and the tears might possibly well if not flow. I know it did with me...
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Randomness...
So I know that most everyone knows how utterly random I am - and tonight just goes to prove that fact...
Here's why...
I don't normally drink anything with caffeine after 5ish or I am wired until atleast 12 or 1 am. And tonight I had a caffeinated full o'sugar beverage before church! So I am currently loaded with energy! I decided I would come home after church and do my cleaning and organizing so I can enjoy the day tomorrow. I know what you are thinking - thats not THAT random. Oh, but wait, there's more... as I was glancing through the cupboards looking for a snack since I haven't eaten much today, I spotted it. The can of french fried onions. And SUDDENLY I wanted green bean casserole. So what did Jeanna do but pop open the cans, stir the stuff together and pop that puppy in the oven at 1015 at night! And I am patiently awaiting my fresh from the oven treat in approximately 30 minutes. Who does that!?! Who makes green bean casserole at 1015 at night?!?!
Apparently I do.
Here's why...
I don't normally drink anything with caffeine after 5ish or I am wired until atleast 12 or 1 am. And tonight I had a caffeinated full o'sugar beverage before church! So I am currently loaded with energy! I decided I would come home after church and do my cleaning and organizing so I can enjoy the day tomorrow. I know what you are thinking - thats not THAT random. Oh, but wait, there's more... as I was glancing through the cupboards looking for a snack since I haven't eaten much today, I spotted it. The can of french fried onions. And SUDDENLY I wanted green bean casserole. So what did Jeanna do but pop open the cans, stir the stuff together and pop that puppy in the oven at 1015 at night! And I am patiently awaiting my fresh from the oven treat in approximately 30 minutes. Who does that!?! Who makes green bean casserole at 1015 at night?!?!
Apparently I do.
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