*Sigh* Sometimes I think nothing youngsters do will surprise me - yea - imagine the news I heard this morning...
This you all have to readto believe:
New Version of "Ferris Bueller"...
and the mother's reaction....
Friday, December 30, 2005
You know you're a 90's kid if....
You know you're a 90's kid if...
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCH!"
2. You watched the Pound Puppies
3. You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air"
4. You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish
5. You yearned to be part of the Baby-Sitters club
6. You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey from "Blossom" and that "How Rude!" comes from Stephanie from "Full House"
8. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"
9. If you had plastic streamers on your handle bars.
10. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"
11. You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons
12. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head
13. You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.
14. You played (or still play) the game "MASH" (mansion, apartment, shack, house)
15. You wore a Jordache Jean Jacket and were proud of it.
16. You had la gear
17. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in kindergarten
18. You remember reading "Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona books
19. You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, wax off"
20. You wanted to be a Goonie
21. You ever wore flourescent clothing
22. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off
23. You have wondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf
24. You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school
25. You remember the craze then the banning of slap bracelets
26. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence
27. You remember hyper-color t-shirts
28. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band
29. You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up
30. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged friendship bracelets
31. You owned a pair of jelly sandals.
32. After you saw "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure" you kept saying "I know you are but what am I"
33. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
34. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates
35. You never got seriously injured on a Slip 'n' Slide
36. You had or attended a birthday party at Mcdonalds
37. You've gone through this occasionally saying "awwww" and laughing
38. You remember the popples
39. " Don't worry, be happy".
40. You wore socks over tights.
41. You wore socks scrunched down.
42. "Miss Mary Mack, Mack, Mack, all dressed in black, black,black, with silver buttons, buttons, buttons, all down her back, back,back"
43. You remember boom boxes vs. cd players
44. You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies
45. You knew what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare"
46. You remember watching "Rainbow Brite" and "My Little Ponies"
47. You thought Doogie Houser was hot
48. You remember Alf, the little brown alien from Melmac
49. You remember New Kids on The Block when they were cool
50. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"
51. You know all the words to Bon Jovi
52. You played and or collected "Pogs"
53. You used to pretend you could transform into a MIGHTY MORPHIN Power Ranger
54. You had at least one GigaPet and brought it everywhere
55. You were obsessed with your "Easy Bake Oven" and your "Lite-Brite"
56. You watched the original transformers at 6 in the morning!
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Jumpin on the bandwagon
So, I too have decided to jump on the 2005 bandwagon and blog the year in review...While I am going to try to do this month by month, some of the dates of things are a little hazy in my mind so some of them may mesh between months....
January - Wow, the start of 2005! It took me weeks to remember to write '05 on things instead of '04. I don't remember much of anything about January except there was LOTS of snow and I was still substituting - thinking I wanted to teach in an elementary classroom...
February - Valentine's Day...normally I day single people dread! This year was flippin awesome though...Tara and I watched Tyler and Austin so their parents Jeanie and Craig could have a night away and we could spoil their boys! Tyler was the best date ever! The boys even made us Valentines! It will forever stick in my mind...
Also, according to Stephen, this was the month we met Laura and Rich! No power at the church, so we all ended up at Stephens!!
March - The month of change...I had decided at this point that I was tired of substituting, I was dreading getting phone calls thinking it may be someone wanting me to sub, and I realized that I needed out. Of course there was no way working only parttime at the library could pay my bills...so I started looking for another job. The very first day I decided to look online, I sent an email to the head of the computer services of the library asking if I could use her as a reference (I was the chosen computer person at Bittersweet and I had worked Saturdays and an evening for her during Student Teaching) because I needed a fulltime job. She wrote back immediately (which hardly ever happens) saying sure and joking that she needed a 25 hour a week person. Suddenly my mind started turning...other people have shared two part-time positions within the branches to make up full-time (it wasn't done regularly because then the library would have to pay benefits) but I decided, it was worth a try - and I immediately drove to our main branch and told her my idea...she flipped out she was so excited! She got me temporarily approved to work extra hours that week when she was desperate until the director got back the next week. I became a full-time employee of the library a week and a half later.
April - I only remember this because of Stephen's blog - nevaeH moved to the Beanery! No more moving couches for us! (Or shall I say for Stephen, Aaron and Marty, hehe). This was also the month that we headed up to Grand Haven for a mini-retreat and IT SNOWED! We were in cabins with NO HEAT! Crazy times I tell you! This was also the trip were Tracy Decker and I christened the "Jump" song ours!
May - It started out a hard month with the anniversary of one of my good friends deaths. Every year this is a hard time for me only this year it was getting a little easier. The support of some awesome friends helped so much! But the most amazing part of this month was the WOMEN'S RETREAT!!! We all really connected this year and had some amazing heart to heart talks with many tears and hugs! This was also when Lindsey and I started to become closer. She pulled me aside to talk about stuff in her life and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
June - Three words - "It's my birthday!" I said this phrase MANY times this year (mainly because it was hilarious!) But I must say turning 25 wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be...it was too much fun! Ann and I hit the beach on Friday afternoon (which I never get to because it always rains on my birthday!) The police showed up at my party that night - long story but I will share it with anyone who asks...Saturday we all went to Haci and I got a hat and sung to! And Sunday...we all headed to the beach for tons of fun and then...the dark clouds came...and as we were at a gas station, the tornado sirens went off! Nothing like seeing a bunch of us soaking wet standing in a gas station! Of course then we made it home and headed out to eat at Applebee's only to get sung to again!
Amber and Jarrod finding out they are going to be parents! (which means I get to be an "aunt"!!)
Then there was Ann and Jeff's wedding! It was so much fun and Jessica and Tara danced!!
July - Tara and I headed to Indy over the weekend to visit my brother, nephew and sister-in-law...great times! Then headed back for fireworks on the 3rd and to Tracy Decker's house-sitting home on the 4th! Laura got back from Colorado as well!!!
August - I believe this was when Jonathan came into the picture (it was either July or August) and here we all thought he was a quiet one....man did he pull one over on us! Of course at first no one knew who he was, so we called him Mustang Jonathan...
This was also the month of the Leadership Summit! If you have never been, I highly recommend!! Changed my life and really got me thinking...
Also this was the going away month for Melissa! Crazy Hacienda times, dancing on our "stage" at Laura's and havin some insane times!
Fun times at work - the lab can get crazy in the back room!
September - WOW - Labor Day! The day the war started - no, not a world war, the war of guys vs. girls...The road trip to the beach started it all - followed by being dunked in icy water more than once and continued by the scarring of our lives with a hitch-hiking guy in a speedo! By that point, it was on!
This was also the GCC Baptism when Sarah and Rich got baptized and I was honored by Sarah asking me to go into the water with her! This was such an amazing experience to be on the other side!
And of course, off-roading in Jeremy's then new truck! And, it breaking down on the top of a hill! Man was that insane! Wish I woulda had a camera!
And the sadness of September - when an amazing man from church passed away...it was a loss felt by many...
October - Halloween at Lindsey's with Jess dressed as a scary redneck mullet man! Pictures of such are on my Xanga!
Todd appeared in the picture this month...
Also our road trip to Mars Hill! This was an awesome time - great, and strange, conversation and Rob Bell really gave me some things to think about...
My dad also came for a surprise visit!
AND the WHITE SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!
November - I believe this was the month we got the guys back good! At Naomi's we attacked their cars and tasted victory! Man was this sweet!
This was also the month we all started connecting through blogging! Really addicting!
Thanksgiving at Laura's was a time to remember - spending time with everyone and Melissa visiting!
The worst part of November was the scare of almost losing my dad...it's a miracle he's alive and I must say I truly understood being Thankful this Thanksgiving...
Also my dad and stepmom came to Indy for Thanksgiving and we got to spend time with them along with my brother, sister-in-law and my nephew! We also did Christmas while we were there and my dad's face was priceless as he opened up gifts of White Sox World Series hat and shirt! He was beaming! And believe it or not we also went shopping the day after Thanksgiving and I got HUGE deals at Kohls and ended up with a super-cute super-warm coat! Thanks DAD!
Making 200-something take home boxes for Thanksgiving for my SCK - crazy, insane, stressful but awesome time with people I love...
December - I remember this month the best, well, because we are in it right now! So here is a list...myspace!, Narnia, MANY fun times at Laura's, getting to know new people and connecting with them online, meeting Jason, playing multiple games of Mafia, Guy's Dinner (man did we all look good that night!), Jon finding out he is in fact heading to California, Stephen being gone a freakin long time, mini-road trip to paintball and ended up shopping! (I got some cute new shirts that day!), tons of amazing conversations, an amazing SCK event, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge changing my life, extra help coming back to work (yea!), Lil Bro coming home, losing weight, finally realizing God's vision for my life, Christmas Eve at GCC, seeing people I love at Christmas, the upcoming NEW YEARS!!!, the list goes on and on....
I know there are so many things I am missing and will hit myself over later but I am spent...too much thinking...
So here's to a new year! I am sure it will be a great one! And next year I can look back at my blog to see what happened when!!
January - Wow, the start of 2005! It took me weeks to remember to write '05 on things instead of '04. I don't remember much of anything about January except there was LOTS of snow and I was still substituting - thinking I wanted to teach in an elementary classroom...
February - Valentine's Day...normally I day single people dread! This year was flippin awesome though...Tara and I watched Tyler and Austin so their parents Jeanie and Craig could have a night away and we could spoil their boys! Tyler was the best date ever! The boys even made us Valentines! It will forever stick in my mind...
Also, according to Stephen, this was the month we met Laura and Rich! No power at the church, so we all ended up at Stephens!!
March - The month of change...I had decided at this point that I was tired of substituting, I was dreading getting phone calls thinking it may be someone wanting me to sub, and I realized that I needed out. Of course there was no way working only parttime at the library could pay my bills...so I started looking for another job. The very first day I decided to look online, I sent an email to the head of the computer services of the library asking if I could use her as a reference (I was the chosen computer person at Bittersweet and I had worked Saturdays and an evening for her during Student Teaching) because I needed a fulltime job. She wrote back immediately (which hardly ever happens) saying sure and joking that she needed a 25 hour a week person. Suddenly my mind started turning...other people have shared two part-time positions within the branches to make up full-time (it wasn't done regularly because then the library would have to pay benefits) but I decided, it was worth a try - and I immediately drove to our main branch and told her my idea...she flipped out she was so excited! She got me temporarily approved to work extra hours that week when she was desperate until the director got back the next week. I became a full-time employee of the library a week and a half later.
April - I only remember this because of Stephen's blog - nevaeH moved to the Beanery! No more moving couches for us! (Or shall I say for Stephen, Aaron and Marty, hehe). This was also the month that we headed up to Grand Haven for a mini-retreat and IT SNOWED! We were in cabins with NO HEAT! Crazy times I tell you! This was also the trip were Tracy Decker and I christened the "Jump" song ours!
May - It started out a hard month with the anniversary of one of my good friends deaths. Every year this is a hard time for me only this year it was getting a little easier. The support of some awesome friends helped so much! But the most amazing part of this month was the WOMEN'S RETREAT!!! We all really connected this year and had some amazing heart to heart talks with many tears and hugs! This was also when Lindsey and I started to become closer. She pulled me aside to talk about stuff in her life and it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
June - Three words - "It's my birthday!" I said this phrase MANY times this year (mainly because it was hilarious!) But I must say turning 25 wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might be...it was too much fun! Ann and I hit the beach on Friday afternoon (which I never get to because it always rains on my birthday!) The police showed up at my party that night - long story but I will share it with anyone who asks...Saturday we all went to Haci and I got a hat and sung to! And Sunday...we all headed to the beach for tons of fun and then...the dark clouds came...and as we were at a gas station, the tornado sirens went off! Nothing like seeing a bunch of us soaking wet standing in a gas station! Of course then we made it home and headed out to eat at Applebee's only to get sung to again!
Amber and Jarrod finding out they are going to be parents! (which means I get to be an "aunt"!!)
Then there was Ann and Jeff's wedding! It was so much fun and Jessica and Tara danced!!
July - Tara and I headed to Indy over the weekend to visit my brother, nephew and sister-in-law...great times! Then headed back for fireworks on the 3rd and to Tracy Decker's house-sitting home on the 4th! Laura got back from Colorado as well!!!
August - I believe this was when Jonathan came into the picture (it was either July or August) and here we all thought he was a quiet one....man did he pull one over on us! Of course at first no one knew who he was, so we called him Mustang Jonathan...
This was also the month of the Leadership Summit! If you have never been, I highly recommend!! Changed my life and really got me thinking...
Also this was the going away month for Melissa! Crazy Hacienda times, dancing on our "stage" at Laura's and havin some insane times!
Fun times at work - the lab can get crazy in the back room!
September - WOW - Labor Day! The day the war started - no, not a world war, the war of guys vs. girls...The road trip to the beach started it all - followed by being dunked in icy water more than once and continued by the scarring of our lives with a hitch-hiking guy in a speedo! By that point, it was on!
This was also the GCC Baptism when Sarah and Rich got baptized and I was honored by Sarah asking me to go into the water with her! This was such an amazing experience to be on the other side!
And of course, off-roading in Jeremy's then new truck! And, it breaking down on the top of a hill! Man was that insane! Wish I woulda had a camera!
And the sadness of September - when an amazing man from church passed away...it was a loss felt by many...
October - Halloween at Lindsey's with Jess dressed as a scary redneck mullet man! Pictures of such are on my Xanga!
Todd appeared in the picture this month...
Also our road trip to Mars Hill! This was an awesome time - great, and strange, conversation and Rob Bell really gave me some things to think about...
My dad also came for a surprise visit!
AND the WHITE SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!
November - I believe this was the month we got the guys back good! At Naomi's we attacked their cars and tasted victory! Man was this sweet!
This was also the month we all started connecting through blogging! Really addicting!
Thanksgiving at Laura's was a time to remember - spending time with everyone and Melissa visiting!
The worst part of November was the scare of almost losing my dad...it's a miracle he's alive and I must say I truly understood being Thankful this Thanksgiving...
Also my dad and stepmom came to Indy for Thanksgiving and we got to spend time with them along with my brother, sister-in-law and my nephew! We also did Christmas while we were there and my dad's face was priceless as he opened up gifts of White Sox World Series hat and shirt! He was beaming! And believe it or not we also went shopping the day after Thanksgiving and I got HUGE deals at Kohls and ended up with a super-cute super-warm coat! Thanks DAD!
Making 200-something take home boxes for Thanksgiving for my SCK - crazy, insane, stressful but awesome time with people I love...
December - I remember this month the best, well, because we are in it right now! So here is a list...myspace!, Narnia, MANY fun times at Laura's, getting to know new people and connecting with them online, meeting Jason, playing multiple games of Mafia, Guy's Dinner (man did we all look good that night!), Jon finding out he is in fact heading to California, Stephen being gone a freakin long time, mini-road trip to paintball and ended up shopping! (I got some cute new shirts that day!), tons of amazing conversations, an amazing SCK event, Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge changing my life, extra help coming back to work (yea!), Lil Bro coming home, losing weight, finally realizing God's vision for my life, Christmas Eve at GCC, seeing people I love at Christmas, the upcoming NEW YEARS!!!, the list goes on and on....
I know there are so many things I am missing and will hit myself over later but I am spent...too much thinking...
So here's to a new year! I am sure it will be a great one! And next year I can look back at my blog to see what happened when!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Thought for the day...
Since I don't have much time today, I wanted to leave you all with a quote from the book I am reading...
"It is one thing to suffer. It is something far worse to walk alongside one you love who is suffering intensely and be unable to do anything about it."
I have heard variations of this many times through the 25 years I have been alive, only for some reason today it hit home more than others...wanted to share it with all of you...
"It is one thing to suffer. It is something far worse to walk alongside one you love who is suffering intensely and be unable to do anything about it."
I have heard variations of this many times through the 25 years I have been alive, only for some reason today it hit home more than others...wanted to share it with all of you...
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Blessings of the year...
Here are a few of the blessings from this year....
These are some of my amazing friends! If you aren't included in the picture, don't fret :) I still love you with all my heart!
This is Carson - boy does this little man have my heart and has me wrapped around his little finger. He is one of the sweetest kids you will ever meet and I haven't found a person yet who isn't completely charmed by him!
This is my dad and I when he came to visit in September...I am very much a daddy's girl and this visit hit right when I needed to see him most.
This is from my day at the beach with God...I just love the sky around the sun...
This is from Thanksgiving - its my brother (technically Step-Brother, but that's just a technicality) Scott, my nephew George (who you all know I love with all my heart!!!) and my sister in law Beckie. These are some of the most amazing people!
This is my sister Jaci, my grandma and my mom. They all mean so much to me (yes even my sister)!
Friday, December 23, 2005
Merry Christmas!
Yes I am saying Merry Christmas! (And I must add the B100 Morning Crew says Merry Christmas still as well!!) This may be the last post for (brace yourselves) a few days *gasp* I know, I think I am going to end up going through withdrawls this weekend! But anyway I have definitely veered off-task here...
I just wanted to tell everyone how blessed I feel this Christmas...not only do I have family that love me, I have some amazing "Other Families" as well! Last night the Kagarises had us all over to celebrate Christmas and they had stockings for all of us! They are some of the most amazing people - they let us take over their house constantly and love it too! I also got to see so many people from GCC who have become like family to me as well. Sometimes its hard to imagine what my life would be like without these people! And then there is my library family - while I sometimes complain about my job, there are many people who I love so much here at work - I have truly been blessed with some amazing co-workers (not all, but some) :) And then there are my friends...I feel like I am always blogging about them - and - I probably am- and I don't care! You all are amazing! It's strange how we are all so different yet we love and accept each other and have a freakin awesome fun time too!! I thank God for all of you! So everyone, have an amazing Christmas, and know that I will be thinking of you all when I thank God this year!
I just wanted to tell everyone how blessed I feel this Christmas...not only do I have family that love me, I have some amazing "Other Families" as well! Last night the Kagarises had us all over to celebrate Christmas and they had stockings for all of us! They are some of the most amazing people - they let us take over their house constantly and love it too! I also got to see so many people from GCC who have become like family to me as well. Sometimes its hard to imagine what my life would be like without these people! And then there is my library family - while I sometimes complain about my job, there are many people who I love so much here at work - I have truly been blessed with some amazing co-workers (not all, but some) :) And then there are my friends...I feel like I am always blogging about them - and - I probably am- and I don't care! You all are amazing! It's strange how we are all so different yet we love and accept each other and have a freakin awesome fun time too!! I thank God for all of you! So everyone, have an amazing Christmas, and know that I will be thinking of you all when I thank God this year!
Thursday, December 22, 2005
YEA!!
LIL BRO IS HOME!!LIL BRO IS HOME!!LIL BRO IS HOME!!LIL BRO IS HOME!! For those of you who don't know, that is Jessica's younger brother Kevin (whom I call Lil Bro and he calls me Jeans) Anywho, he is a Marine who is home for a few weeks...before he leaves for Iraq...again...voluntarily...yes, I am planning on hurting him for that...
Favorites...
So I just discovered my all-time favorite Subway! It's on Lincolnway in what is either S.B. or Mishawaka - I think its right on the line...anyway...the service was the best I have ever had, the people were extremely nice, the sandwich was awesome, they had one of my favorite kind of chips they never have anywhere! (The light Doritos) and...are you ready for this...they had Diet Coke instead of Pepsi! I am a happy library worker right now!!
So I am in an odd mood right now so I am going to list random favorites off the top of my head...
Ice Cream - Moose Tracks - I haven't had it in years but man is it like heaven in a carton
Pop - Diet Coke
Candy - Take 5
Salad - Cobb Salad from Hacienda (man it rocks!!)
Toddler - my nephew!
Little Kid - Carson
Shoes - my flip-flops
NFL team - Da Bears!
MLB team - the 2005 World Series champs - The SOX!!
Restaurant - Hani Yori
Christmas Song - Winter Wonderland (my dad always sings this to us)
Day of the week - Thursday or Saturday - I get to go to church and then hang out with my friends!
Movie - The Goonies or Empire Records
Flower - Wildflowers
Wow, I am very random today...I'm off to read more of my amazing book (See yesterday's blog for details!)
So I am in an odd mood right now so I am going to list random favorites off the top of my head...
Ice Cream - Moose Tracks - I haven't had it in years but man is it like heaven in a carton
Pop - Diet Coke
Candy - Take 5
Salad - Cobb Salad from Hacienda (man it rocks!!)
Toddler - my nephew!
Little Kid - Carson
Shoes - my flip-flops
NFL team - Da Bears!
MLB team - the 2005 World Series champs - The SOX!!
Restaurant - Hani Yori
Christmas Song - Winter Wonderland (my dad always sings this to us)
Day of the week - Thursday or Saturday - I get to go to church and then hang out with my friends!
Movie - The Goonies or Empire Records
Flower - Wildflowers
Wow, I am very random today...I'm off to read more of my amazing book (See yesterday's blog for details!)
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Amazing Love
A few weeks ago I picked up this book from the library called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I had heard that it was the female equivalent to Wild at Heart. While I knew I would probably learn something from this book, I had no idea how drastically it would change my life...
The first few chapters of the book were kind of background informative - and I wasn't getting a thing out of it. I was tempted a few times to just stop reading - only one thing stopped me. When I picked up this book at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago to pass the time while I was waiting to meet someone, I opened up the book randomly and started reading. The selection I read was entitled Warrior Princesses. It immediately took me back to the 2004 Women's Retreat and caught my attention right off. - The only reason I kept reading this book was because I wanted to get to that chapter. I am so glad I pushed forward. Monday night I hit the chapters that unexpectedly hit home. One particular chapter focuses on the lies we as women believe about ourselves - for example - "I am not good enough", "I am too difficult to deal with", "I am ugly", "I am not worthy", "I am too easy", "I am too fat", "I am too thin", "I have too many issues" - the list goes on and on. As I was reading I realized how I too believe some of these things about myself. A part of me wanted to stop reading, because it hurt to see these things written down in front of me - I wanted to run - I didn't want to think about these things - I didn't want to work through the pain, it just seemed to hard. I stopped reading for a few hours but then picked the book up again. The next chapter was how much the enemy wants to hurt us and how he is the one who puts these thoughts in us at an early age - he has been trying to hurt us because we are a threat to him and it is working. Well, this just fired me up! It never occured to me that these things I truly believed were real about myself didn't come from God - that these things weren't real - that I wasn't seeing myself how God sees me. Talk about an intense night! So I prayed. I talked to God and I really listened. One of the ideas in the book is to simply ask God to show you your beauty - how HE sees you. As scary as this was for me, I did. I flat out asked God to show me my beauty. Talk about overwhelming!
Last night I hit the part of the book that is all about how much God loves us. And how He is constantly trying to show us how much He loves us, only we don't notice. It challenges the reader to ask God to show us how much He loves us. I was so frightened that if I asked God this question that I wouldn't get an answer - that I would be the one person who didn't see anything. But I took a leap of faith and asked. And do you know what God showed me - He opened my eyes to all the ways He has been trying to show me in the last three days how much He loves me! Tears came to my eyes when I realized how much God really does LOVE me! There was this hole inside of me that I never even realized was there until this morning when God filled it up with His love. He had been waiting patiently for me to realize this my entire life - This last summer I read Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy and I know God was trying to fill my heart through this book, only I didn't get it yet. I was so close, but never quite there. I never quite trusted God enough to fill that hole inside that was shaped perfectly for Him. I never thought I was good enough for God. I always thought - well, once I start memorizing scripture, or once I know more of the Bible, or once I know how to better minister to people, then I will be good enough for God. This morning I realized that God has always loved me right where I am. All He ever wanted was ME. I let fear hold me back from the best kind of love.
So, I wanted to list on here some of the ways God has used in the past few days to really show me how much HE loves me....(ironic this was originally all I was going to post, and I ended up posting my entire journey...)
* snow - crazy I know, but when those flakes are coming down so soft and gentle and fall perfectly on the ground, I see God...
* kids - on Sunday when I was with the kids from Son City Kids I would just find myself smiling and not even realizing it - and then I had Carson last night - when he would look at me and demand a kiss I knew love
* friends - the conversations we have and the hugs we all give...need I say more
* the CD Brave by Nichole Nordeman - many of these songs have just hit straight to the heart
The list goes on and on...so I am going to finish here with the lyrics to Brave by Nichole Nordeman - more than anything fear holds me back from so many things - fear had me keeping God at arms length for years, and now, God makes me want to be brave - because I know it is worth it!
The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave
I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it allI say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave
I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave
The first few chapters of the book were kind of background informative - and I wasn't getting a thing out of it. I was tempted a few times to just stop reading - only one thing stopped me. When I picked up this book at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago to pass the time while I was waiting to meet someone, I opened up the book randomly and started reading. The selection I read was entitled Warrior Princesses. It immediately took me back to the 2004 Women's Retreat and caught my attention right off. - The only reason I kept reading this book was because I wanted to get to that chapter. I am so glad I pushed forward. Monday night I hit the chapters that unexpectedly hit home. One particular chapter focuses on the lies we as women believe about ourselves - for example - "I am not good enough", "I am too difficult to deal with", "I am ugly", "I am not worthy", "I am too easy", "I am too fat", "I am too thin", "I have too many issues" - the list goes on and on. As I was reading I realized how I too believe some of these things about myself. A part of me wanted to stop reading, because it hurt to see these things written down in front of me - I wanted to run - I didn't want to think about these things - I didn't want to work through the pain, it just seemed to hard. I stopped reading for a few hours but then picked the book up again. The next chapter was how much the enemy wants to hurt us and how he is the one who puts these thoughts in us at an early age - he has been trying to hurt us because we are a threat to him and it is working. Well, this just fired me up! It never occured to me that these things I truly believed were real about myself didn't come from God - that these things weren't real - that I wasn't seeing myself how God sees me. Talk about an intense night! So I prayed. I talked to God and I really listened. One of the ideas in the book is to simply ask God to show you your beauty - how HE sees you. As scary as this was for me, I did. I flat out asked God to show me my beauty. Talk about overwhelming!
Last night I hit the part of the book that is all about how much God loves us. And how He is constantly trying to show us how much He loves us, only we don't notice. It challenges the reader to ask God to show us how much He loves us. I was so frightened that if I asked God this question that I wouldn't get an answer - that I would be the one person who didn't see anything. But I took a leap of faith and asked. And do you know what God showed me - He opened my eyes to all the ways He has been trying to show me in the last three days how much He loves me! Tears came to my eyes when I realized how much God really does LOVE me! There was this hole inside of me that I never even realized was there until this morning when God filled it up with His love. He had been waiting patiently for me to realize this my entire life - This last summer I read Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy and I know God was trying to fill my heart through this book, only I didn't get it yet. I was so close, but never quite there. I never quite trusted God enough to fill that hole inside that was shaped perfectly for Him. I never thought I was good enough for God. I always thought - well, once I start memorizing scripture, or once I know more of the Bible, or once I know how to better minister to people, then I will be good enough for God. This morning I realized that God has always loved me right where I am. All He ever wanted was ME. I let fear hold me back from the best kind of love.
So, I wanted to list on here some of the ways God has used in the past few days to really show me how much HE loves me....(ironic this was originally all I was going to post, and I ended up posting my entire journey...)
* snow - crazy I know, but when those flakes are coming down so soft and gentle and fall perfectly on the ground, I see God...
* kids - on Sunday when I was with the kids from Son City Kids I would just find myself smiling and not even realizing it - and then I had Carson last night - when he would look at me and demand a kiss I knew love
* friends - the conversations we have and the hugs we all give...need I say more
* the CD Brave by Nichole Nordeman - many of these songs have just hit straight to the heart
The list goes on and on...so I am going to finish here with the lyrics to Brave by Nichole Nordeman - more than anything fear holds me back from so many things - fear had me keeping God at arms length for years, and now, God makes me want to be brave - because I know it is worth it!
The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been
'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave
I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it allI say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...
Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave
I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone
So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave
Monday, December 19, 2005
Laryngitis...
Apparently I have gotten laryngitis after being sick this last week...I did some research online today and of course there is no quick fix for this and that it happens often after a sickness. BLAH! It's so frustrating - early I had some of a voice...and then now, its fading fast again...and I still have to finish work! And to make things worse, I have been sucking on cough drops a lot in the last 3 days and now the inside of my mouth is sore from them! UG!
WOOHOO!
Things I am woohoo-ing about this morning!!!
- Son City Kids was awesome yesterday! I love spending time with these kids!! Many times through the afternoon I found myself smiling without even realizing it. These kids make me happy - even if I couldn't hardly talk!
- I almost one the game "Pound" last night! I was sooo close, and that, I must say, excites me!
- The fact that while I still don't have a lot of a voice this morning, the voice I do have sounds a little more like me and a little less frightening!
- (I can't believe I am going to post this, but I am too freakin excited not too!) About 3 weeks ago I made the decision and the commitment to lose the weight I have put on in the last 4 years and get myself in better shape! Those who have spent any amount of time with me or talking with me know that when I set my mind to something, I am a pretty determined person! I weighed myself this morning and I have already lost 12 pounds! I am so excited I just can't hardly contain myself! So I am definitely woohoo-ing this morning!
- And lastly, the sun is shining and it is so gorgeous outside with the new snow from last night and the sun reflecting off of it...it just makes you want to sigh.
- Son City Kids was awesome yesterday! I love spending time with these kids!! Many times through the afternoon I found myself smiling without even realizing it. These kids make me happy - even if I couldn't hardly talk!
- I almost one the game "Pound" last night! I was sooo close, and that, I must say, excites me!
- The fact that while I still don't have a lot of a voice this morning, the voice I do have sounds a little more like me and a little less frightening!
- (I can't believe I am going to post this, but I am too freakin excited not too!) About 3 weeks ago I made the decision and the commitment to lose the weight I have put on in the last 4 years and get myself in better shape! Those who have spent any amount of time with me or talking with me know that when I set my mind to something, I am a pretty determined person! I weighed myself this morning and I have already lost 12 pounds! I am so excited I just can't hardly contain myself! So I am definitely woohoo-ing this morning!
- And lastly, the sun is shining and it is so gorgeous outside with the new snow from last night and the sun reflecting off of it...it just makes you want to sigh.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Taking Things for Granted
How often do we take little things for granted? Things we don't even realize how hard it is to function without. Last night I was starting to lose my voice after a few days of being sick (although I was feeling so much better by this point)...I didn't think anything about it since it was like 1:00 am and I had been sick...then I woke up this morning and *OH NO* I had no voice...no I am NOT kidding...totally serious here! And of course this was the morning where 3 people called me within 20 minutes of waking up! Couldn't talk to a one of them - just wasn't happening...then after taking all kinds of vitamins, drugs and drinking lots of tea, it was back - not sounding like me - but close...oh wait...there's more...come about 600 tonight it starts heading down hill...I had lost a couple octaves of my voice, I couldn't laugh because nothing would come out. Then after church, I started sounding horribly disgusting...women are not supposed to sound like men and I am thoroughly distressed by the fact that I do. I have been popping cough drops like a kid with candy on Halloween. I have drank so much hot tea I have lost count and yet, surprise surprise, my voice keeps getting worse!
So here I am wanting to be social and realizing, I can't hardly talk and when I do people point out how horrid I sound, so eventually I just stopped talking..which made it worse when I decided to talk...for those of you who have spent any length of time in my presence, you know that I am a talker...no ifs, ands or buts about it. I am a talker. This is killing me! There is so much I want to say - but very little voice in which to do it with.
I never realized what a gift it is to be able to speak. Songs will randomly appear in my head that I will want to start singing, and nothing comes out. Awesome comebacks and voices pop up and I can't get them to leave my head and come out of my mouth. I love conversations with people, and yet I can't have those either. I suppose I could still try, but who would want to listen to someone who sounds like I do (trust me, its bad!) It got me thinking about things...what all do I take for granted everyday!
I take for granted that my loved ones will always be here tomorrow. A few weeks ago I almost lost one of the most important people in the world to me - it's only by the grace of God that my dad is still alive today - he should have died, but he didn't. God still has work for him to do, and I am going to take advantage of the extra time with him I have been given.
I take for granted having power. I take for granted having food in my house even if it may not be what I am "craving" at that time. I take for granted having health insurance...being employed full time...having the love of some of the most amazing friends...a car that runs...the list goes on and on. It's amazing how the things I take for granted are also alot like blessings...interesting huh...
So here I am wanting to be social and realizing, I can't hardly talk and when I do people point out how horrid I sound, so eventually I just stopped talking..which made it worse when I decided to talk...for those of you who have spent any length of time in my presence, you know that I am a talker...no ifs, ands or buts about it. I am a talker. This is killing me! There is so much I want to say - but very little voice in which to do it with.
I never realized what a gift it is to be able to speak. Songs will randomly appear in my head that I will want to start singing, and nothing comes out. Awesome comebacks and voices pop up and I can't get them to leave my head and come out of my mouth. I love conversations with people, and yet I can't have those either. I suppose I could still try, but who would want to listen to someone who sounds like I do (trust me, its bad!) It got me thinking about things...what all do I take for granted everyday!
I take for granted that my loved ones will always be here tomorrow. A few weeks ago I almost lost one of the most important people in the world to me - it's only by the grace of God that my dad is still alive today - he should have died, but he didn't. God still has work for him to do, and I am going to take advantage of the extra time with him I have been given.
I take for granted having power. I take for granted having food in my house even if it may not be what I am "craving" at that time. I take for granted having health insurance...being employed full time...having the love of some of the most amazing friends...a car that runs...the list goes on and on. It's amazing how the things I take for granted are also alot like blessings...interesting huh...
Friday, December 16, 2005
Things running through my head...
For this entire week I have been struggling and fighting with myself over something I know I need to do but don't know how...Sunday Laura posed this question (see my previous blog called Three Phone Calls) and I knew God was telling me I have to contact my uncle for Christmas...I took the move to search for him on the Internet on Tuesday and was successful in not only finding an email and address for him, but also many articles written about him as well as by him - thus causing my distress.
I guess it's just hard to accept that even though I am one of his two next generation blood relatives, he may not care about me. I was reading these articles about all the work he has done in Greece and came across a picture of one of his best friends who was over in Nemea last year for a faux Olympics in an ancient stadium my uncle uncovered. Though I knew he kept in contact with him, it just saddened me to see how more important his friendship was with this guy (who isn't the nicest I might add) but not to keep in touch with his nieces. It also hurt to read in an article about something that happened to him the summer of 1980 - I was born June 3, 1980 and for some reason it hurt that something was more important to him that summer than my birth. That may sound self-centered but so be it...thats how I feel right now.
I also found out that he was a Person of the Week on a national newshow last summer...
I guess I am just sad that he is not a part of my life - even though he can be a jerk, he's still my uncle...I know that some of the blame lies on me...I only try contacting him once every few years, but I can't help but wonder whats the point? Why try again? Why put myself out there to get hurt again?
I know this is what God wants me to do - I just wish he would give me the words to write and prepare my heart for possible disappointment.
God wants me to tell my uncle I love him - whether he cares or not - I do not know...
I guess it's just hard to accept that even though I am one of his two next generation blood relatives, he may not care about me. I was reading these articles about all the work he has done in Greece and came across a picture of one of his best friends who was over in Nemea last year for a faux Olympics in an ancient stadium my uncle uncovered. Though I knew he kept in contact with him, it just saddened me to see how more important his friendship was with this guy (who isn't the nicest I might add) but not to keep in touch with his nieces. It also hurt to read in an article about something that happened to him the summer of 1980 - I was born June 3, 1980 and for some reason it hurt that something was more important to him that summer than my birth. That may sound self-centered but so be it...thats how I feel right now.
I also found out that he was a Person of the Week on a national newshow last summer...
I guess I am just sad that he is not a part of my life - even though he can be a jerk, he's still my uncle...I know that some of the blame lies on me...I only try contacting him once every few years, but I can't help but wonder whats the point? Why try again? Why put myself out there to get hurt again?
I know this is what God wants me to do - I just wish he would give me the words to write and prepare my heart for possible disappointment.
God wants me to tell my uncle I love him - whether he cares or not - I do not know...
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Feeling Feisty Again...
Yes all the Jeanna you know and love must be making a come back from the world of germs - I've been feisty! You know that I am feeling better when I start getting that character trait back (when I am sick I just can't be feisty - whiny, cranky - yes - feisty - no)
I am still not functioning at 100% but I am getting close! Man that was a rough couple of days!
So have no fear, I am baaaaaacccccckkkkk!
I am still not functioning at 100% but I am getting close! Man that was a rough couple of days!
So have no fear, I am baaaaaacccccckkkkk!
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Fuzzy in the Head...
So, I am still not completely healthy *sigh* but I am feeling slightly better so far *knock on wood* but I am still a little fuzzy in the head! So this blog may be more random than normal!! Scary thought I know...
Yesterday I left work at 230 and by that time thought I was going to either pass out or just die - either would have worked for me! I went home and passed out for almost 3 hours in my bed (I barely had enough energy to put my PJs on) Then I got up, signed a whole bunch of Christmas cards for SCK (Others were busy wrapping presents at someones house and I just couldnt stand not being able to help, so I had to be useful even when I felt like poo) dealt with a couple problems via the phone and crawled back in bed by 930 - I was afraid I wasnt going to be able to sleep...I was wrong...I passed out again until 730 when I had to get up for work. I hope no one coming into the computer lab this morning was expecting a pretty face, because boy it is not one today! I literally just dried my hair (which doesn't really go with this hairstyle) put on a little mascara to look awake and brushed my teeth - didnt do the whole makeup thing which I always do for work and didnt bother touching my hair! I guess I will keep the creepy staring guys away today! Hopefully I can make it through the day although I am not looking forward to lunch time when I have to scrap off my car in order to go somewhere to get something to eat, blah!
As I was looking through my random email accounts today I found a newsletter I receive via email that I never read, so I read it today and here are some of the random articles that were included!! Some made me laugh, one ticked me off and the other was flippin cool...try to guess which is which, hehe
Woman Hires Hit Man...
Narnia...
Christmas this year...
If you guessed the one on churches ticked me off, boy you were right! I have heard of more churches than just the Megachurches who have chosen not to have services on Sunday for Christmas...I guess it makes sense to me that after the pastors have done Christmas Eve services til after midnight then have to get up and do more the next day instead of spending it with their families just kind of frustrates me...If I was a pastor's kid/wife and this happened I have to admit I think I would be a little perturbed...I think Christmas morning should be spent with family. I know in the past when I went to a smaller church, the turn out for Christmas Sunday services were slim and that my family never chose to attend anyway...I wonder how many people who are upset about not having services will actually attend a church service that morning...
Yesterday I left work at 230 and by that time thought I was going to either pass out or just die - either would have worked for me! I went home and passed out for almost 3 hours in my bed (I barely had enough energy to put my PJs on) Then I got up, signed a whole bunch of Christmas cards for SCK (Others were busy wrapping presents at someones house and I just couldnt stand not being able to help, so I had to be useful even when I felt like poo) dealt with a couple problems via the phone and crawled back in bed by 930 - I was afraid I wasnt going to be able to sleep...I was wrong...I passed out again until 730 when I had to get up for work. I hope no one coming into the computer lab this morning was expecting a pretty face, because boy it is not one today! I literally just dried my hair (which doesn't really go with this hairstyle) put on a little mascara to look awake and brushed my teeth - didnt do the whole makeup thing which I always do for work and didnt bother touching my hair! I guess I will keep the creepy staring guys away today! Hopefully I can make it through the day although I am not looking forward to lunch time when I have to scrap off my car in order to go somewhere to get something to eat, blah!
As I was looking through my random email accounts today I found a newsletter I receive via email that I never read, so I read it today and here are some of the random articles that were included!! Some made me laugh, one ticked me off and the other was flippin cool...try to guess which is which, hehe
Woman Hires Hit Man...
Narnia...
Christmas this year...
If you guessed the one on churches ticked me off, boy you were right! I have heard of more churches than just the Megachurches who have chosen not to have services on Sunday for Christmas...I guess it makes sense to me that after the pastors have done Christmas Eve services til after midnight then have to get up and do more the next day instead of spending it with their families just kind of frustrates me...If I was a pastor's kid/wife and this happened I have to admit I think I would be a little perturbed...I think Christmas morning should be spent with family. I know in the past when I went to a smaller church, the turn out for Christmas Sunday services were slim and that my family never chose to attend anyway...I wonder how many people who are upset about not having services will actually attend a church service that morning...
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Sick...
I am sick, I am still at work and I had a rough evening last night...Please pray for me today...
Last night is actually a funny story...I'll post about it later...
Last night is actually a funny story...I'll post about it later...
Monday, December 12, 2005
Three Phone Calls...
Last night after nevaeH we all hiked back to Stephen's for some food and socialization time...then out popped Laura with the 1001 Questions book...I must say, I love this book and the conversations that spew from it. I have always thought of it as a great way to get to know people on all different levels...last night though, the questions time opened my eyes to something I have been ignoring for many years....here's how....
Laura's first question to Aaron was "If you were driving on the road and a bear ran out on the road and stopped you and then said you are about to die, you have 3 phone calls to make. One to say I love you, one to say I'm sorry, and the last to say Thank you. Who do you call?" It sounds so simple at first, and then you really start to think about it...and it occured to me that whoever you chose for these three phone calls, why aren't we doing it already. Why aren't we doing it while we have the chance...Why are we deciding to wait until some random bear runs out in front of us to tell these people how we feel...
I had picked out in my head who the three people would be, but the one that stuck out the most was who I would call and tell them "I Love You" I always try to tell everyone in my life that I love them, but then God laid someone on my heart - my uncle.
When my dad's parents had died, there was a huge falling out between my dad and my uncle. It is a long story I don't want to get into now, but my uncle really hurt my dad and my family. (I now know that it was just as Mark Beeson says, hurt people hurt people) That year my sister graduated from high school and sent my uncle an graduation announcement and he sent her a card and a check - (he lives in California and Greece so he is not around here much) - and that was the last we have heard from him. That was in 1996
My sister and I have both tried sending him cards or an email or two over the years, as well as my dad, but all of us had stopped trying years ago. We have all forgiven him and love him - yes even my dad- but he has never responded. We sometimes hear from the grapevine when he has been in town or the ongoings of his life, but that is always from friends of his friends who happen to see him. My dad and my uncle are the only children of my grandparents and he has no children, unless something has changed recently...
I have been fighting an inward battle today over whether or not I should contact him, and I have decided that I need to try again...even if it is just to tell him I love him, I need to do this...I must say though that it isn't hard finding him - he is a professor, and author and a archaelogist so his name and info is not hard to find online. I honestly don't expect him to respond this time either, but with Christmas coming, he needs to know his niece still loves him....
Funny how one random question can spur on so much....thanks Laura....
Laura's first question to Aaron was "If you were driving on the road and a bear ran out on the road and stopped you and then said you are about to die, you have 3 phone calls to make. One to say I love you, one to say I'm sorry, and the last to say Thank you. Who do you call?" It sounds so simple at first, and then you really start to think about it...and it occured to me that whoever you chose for these three phone calls, why aren't we doing it already. Why aren't we doing it while we have the chance...Why are we deciding to wait until some random bear runs out in front of us to tell these people how we feel...
I had picked out in my head who the three people would be, but the one that stuck out the most was who I would call and tell them "I Love You" I always try to tell everyone in my life that I love them, but then God laid someone on my heart - my uncle.
When my dad's parents had died, there was a huge falling out between my dad and my uncle. It is a long story I don't want to get into now, but my uncle really hurt my dad and my family. (I now know that it was just as Mark Beeson says, hurt people hurt people) That year my sister graduated from high school and sent my uncle an graduation announcement and he sent her a card and a check - (he lives in California and Greece so he is not around here much) - and that was the last we have heard from him. That was in 1996
My sister and I have both tried sending him cards or an email or two over the years, as well as my dad, but all of us had stopped trying years ago. We have all forgiven him and love him - yes even my dad- but he has never responded. We sometimes hear from the grapevine when he has been in town or the ongoings of his life, but that is always from friends of his friends who happen to see him. My dad and my uncle are the only children of my grandparents and he has no children, unless something has changed recently...
I have been fighting an inward battle today over whether or not I should contact him, and I have decided that I need to try again...even if it is just to tell him I love him, I need to do this...I must say though that it isn't hard finding him - he is a professor, and author and a archaelogist so his name and info is not hard to find online. I honestly don't expect him to respond this time either, but with Christmas coming, he needs to know his niece still loves him....
Funny how one random question can spur on so much....thanks Laura....
Friday, December 09, 2005
New "Do"
Do you ever freak out right after you have made a major change to your hair? I almost always do...kind of ironic since I normally don't keep the same hairstyle through more than 2 maybe 3 haircuts - one time I grew my hair out for a friends wedding (for a year!) and soon afterwards I chopped it off...it was making me nuts!
This time it is shorter than it has been in a loooooong time...at first I liked it...then I looked at it again when I was getting ready to curl it, and I freaked! (like I always do!) then everyone I work with said it was very stylish and cute and I think I really do like it...I think I will like it even more when I can use mousse and get a smaller curling iron.
Man, the drama of being a woman...
This time it is shorter than it has been in a loooooong time...at first I liked it...then I looked at it again when I was getting ready to curl it, and I freaked! (like I always do!) then everyone I work with said it was very stylish and cute and I think I really do like it...I think I will like it even more when I can use mousse and get a smaller curling iron.
Man, the drama of being a woman...
Thursday, December 08, 2005
How...
How do you deal when you have just found out something disturbing about someone you are acquaintances with? Someone you exchange "Hi"s with when you see them...someone who seemed like a great person...someone who has this hidden part of their life...
How do you deal when you will see this person and you know God calls us to love them but you don't know how to act? How can you know if God has changed this person yet or not and if they are trustworthy? How do you know what to say or think or feel? How do you not judge this person for the things they have done?
How do you make this horrible, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach go away?
How do you keep from crying when that's all you feel like doing?
How do you continue on when you are so confused?
How...
How do you deal when you will see this person and you know God calls us to love them but you don't know how to act? How can you know if God has changed this person yet or not and if they are trustworthy? How do you know what to say or think or feel? How do you not judge this person for the things they have done?
How do you make this horrible, sick feeling in the pit of your stomach go away?
How do you keep from crying when that's all you feel like doing?
How do you continue on when you are so confused?
How...
Creatures of Habit
Every morning when I have to get out of bed for work my day starts the same - turn off the alarm, turn on the light, turn off the electric blanket, unplug the cell phone from the charger, grab my towel and walk half asleep to the bathroom. If my routine changes, I always feel as if something is wrong and that I will forget something in my half asleep state. This morning at work I started turning on the computers on the opposite side of the room first. It occured to me that this was not normal, but decided to start where I was at in the room. The only thing different was which side of the room I started on but the whole time I kept feeling as if something was horribly different and uncomfortable - like I was walking backwards or using my left hand - I found myself actually having to think about the process of getting things started because I had broken my habit. It made me think about how often do I start my nightly prayers the same way - out of habit - where I am not actually thinking about what I am saying but reciting the phrases I have used for years - when and how did I become such a creature of habit during these times? This morning, just by changing my normally process at work, I came to the realization that I am going to stop my old habits of praying and actually think about what I am saying - I am going to leave the comfortable, easy habits and begin to pray dangerously....scary thought...but yet....very exciting at the same time...
Just don't expect me to change how I start my mornings - you will not want to see what happens....
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Michiana makes CNN
Yes you read right, Michiana made it to the main page on CNN.com ! How flippin cool is that!! It's a video clip of a dog that was rescued from the river right around where I grew up...
Look here!
Look here!
Random Thoughts for Today
So once again I have all kinds of random thoughts running through my head - hard to believe I know - so here are some of them
*The B100 Morning Crew were talking this morning about today being Pearl Harbor Day - it got me thinking of a few things - first off, its my dad and stepmoms anniversary (strange I know, but my dad has always loved history and I think this way he would never forget their anniversary), second off - how proud I am of my grandfather who served in WWII (He died before I was one, so I never got to meet him unfortunately) and of everyone I know who has fought, is fighting and will ever fight for our country, and third - how freakin awesome B100 is - they quoted a prayer, yes a prayer, on the radio this morning by George Washington. I am an extremely proud B100 fan right now!! Oh, and they still say Christmas too!
*Also on B100 this morning I heard the song "It's a Great Day To Be Alive" by Travis Tritt - every time I hear this song it reminds me of the attitude I should have everyday - It makes me smile when it comes on and I always have to sing along.
*This is a really odd story I read on WNDU this morning - someone actually paid $1700 for a piece of property the size of a stamp - yes you read that right, the size of a stamp! Insane I tell you InsanE!
*Most of you won't care, BUT, 24 has a new web design since the new season starts in 39 days! If you want a show that hardly gives you a second to breathe, in constant motion with very little down time, this is the show for you!! I have plenty of people in agreement with me - all things stop when I am watching 24! If you call and you know it is during 24, beware....If you want to see someone totally obsessed with a show, that would be me...
Oh and this is the song that is constantly popping into my head - its flippin awesome!
*The B100 Morning Crew were talking this morning about today being Pearl Harbor Day - it got me thinking of a few things - first off, its my dad and stepmoms anniversary (strange I know, but my dad has always loved history and I think this way he would never forget their anniversary), second off - how proud I am of my grandfather who served in WWII (He died before I was one, so I never got to meet him unfortunately) and of everyone I know who has fought, is fighting and will ever fight for our country, and third - how freakin awesome B100 is - they quoted a prayer, yes a prayer, on the radio this morning by George Washington. I am an extremely proud B100 fan right now!! Oh, and they still say Christmas too!
*Also on B100 this morning I heard the song "It's a Great Day To Be Alive" by Travis Tritt - every time I hear this song it reminds me of the attitude I should have everyday - It makes me smile when it comes on and I always have to sing along.
*This is a really odd story I read on WNDU this morning - someone actually paid $1700 for a piece of property the size of a stamp - yes you read that right, the size of a stamp! Insane I tell you InsanE!
*Most of you won't care, BUT, 24 has a new web design since the new season starts in 39 days! If you want a show that hardly gives you a second to breathe, in constant motion with very little down time, this is the show for you!! I have plenty of people in agreement with me - all things stop when I am watching 24! If you call and you know it is during 24, beware....If you want to see someone totally obsessed with a show, that would be me...
Oh and this is the song that is constantly popping into my head - its flippin awesome!
Pictures you must see...
So I discovered it is so much easier to post pictures on Xanga, and since I discovered some old school pictures on a CD you must visit and either take a trip down memory lane, or discover how much we have all changed...
www.xanga.com/tootsiegirl37
Enjoy!
www.xanga.com/tootsiegirl37
Enjoy!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Bitter-ness
Yes I am bitter this morning - bitter about the cold! We had no power this morning which meant for a very cold house! When I left it was around 55 degrees - AND I have a Christmas party breakfast for work this morning which means pictures - UGH! I look like I have been run over by a truck, my hair is insane, but thank goodness I haven't gotten my hair cut yet so I can still pull it up....
What a way to start the coldest morning we have had yet...Hopefully this day improves!
What a way to start the coldest morning we have had yet...Hopefully this day improves!
Monday, December 05, 2005
Vision
A few months back I was told that God often gives us a vision so big that it is impossible to do without His help. And that if we chose not to follow through with that vision, something would be missing from this world. While this completely blew me away, I never thought it would happen to me. I am not one to break out of my comfort zone very often - especially when it comes to ministry. I guess I have just always thought there were people more qualified out there who could do a better job than I could with just about everything. I just realized that God has given me a vision that absolutely cannot be done without Him.
Let me explain...
Last night we had some great discussion at nevaeH about how we live our lives between the trees (Nooma - Trees) and ended up talking about evangelism and ministry. While it was a good conversation, none of it "hit home" for me during that time. Afterwards we all headed to Laura's to do who knows what...somehow Naomi and I started talking and made our way upstairs for some awesome, soul-searching conversation...slowly others followed, which was totally cool, and then Stephen asked me the hard question (he always does that!) He asked how I was doing. I answered good. Then he really looked at me and asked how my ministry was - how he knew I had been struggling with that when he hadn't read my blog recently, I don't know (well... I guess I do) In talking with Stephen and a few others, I realized the vision God had for me - and boy is it a doozy! While it kinda scares me to step out of my comfort zone and, for lack of a better word, fight for what I know God wants, it also blows me away that God chose me, Jeanna, to do this work for Him. Wow. I have a long road ahead and it won't be easy, but I know it will be worth it. --If you are interested in hearing about this vision, please feel free to ask, I just don't want to get into it all on my blog yet--
This morning while I was getting ready I was listening to the Newsboys Thrive CD and two songs hit me, so I have included the chorus' for them -
Thrive-
Will You lift me up with tender care?
Will You wash me clean in the palm of Your hand?
Will You hold me close so I can thrive?
When You touch me, that's when I know I'm alive
Lord (I don't know)-
Lord, I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
If all of you could keep me and my ministry in your prayers I would sooo grateful! I know I have the love and support of all my friends to help me keep my focus where it needs to be and my heart optimistic and faithful...
Let me explain...
Last night we had some great discussion at nevaeH about how we live our lives between the trees (Nooma - Trees) and ended up talking about evangelism and ministry. While it was a good conversation, none of it "hit home" for me during that time. Afterwards we all headed to Laura's to do who knows what...somehow Naomi and I started talking and made our way upstairs for some awesome, soul-searching conversation...slowly others followed, which was totally cool, and then Stephen asked me the hard question (he always does that!) He asked how I was doing. I answered good. Then he really looked at me and asked how my ministry was - how he knew I had been struggling with that when he hadn't read my blog recently, I don't know (well... I guess I do) In talking with Stephen and a few others, I realized the vision God had for me - and boy is it a doozy! While it kinda scares me to step out of my comfort zone and, for lack of a better word, fight for what I know God wants, it also blows me away that God chose me, Jeanna, to do this work for Him. Wow. I have a long road ahead and it won't be easy, but I know it will be worth it. --If you are interested in hearing about this vision, please feel free to ask, I just don't want to get into it all on my blog yet--
This morning while I was getting ready I was listening to the Newsboys Thrive CD and two songs hit me, so I have included the chorus' for them -
Thrive-
Will You lift me up with tender care?
Will You wash me clean in the palm of Your hand?
Will You hold me close so I can thrive?
When You touch me, that's when I know I'm alive
Lord (I don't know)-
Lord, I don't know where all this is going
Or how it all works out
Lead me to peace that is past understanding
A peace beyond all doubt
If all of you could keep me and my ministry in your prayers I would sooo grateful! I know I have the love and support of all my friends to help me keep my focus where it needs to be and my heart optimistic and faithful...
Saturday, December 03, 2005
"I'm getting out"
I'm getting out.
I'm done.
I can't do this.
I'm getting out.
These last two months these are the words that have been overriding my thoughts about my ministry. I have been in a practically constant emotional and spiritual battle over being in a position of leadership in my ministry.
I KNOW where my passion lies.
I KNOW where my heart is.
I KNOW where God wants me to go.
What I didn't know was if I was supposed to be a leader there.
Every once in a while I would have a mini-breakdown and cry - thinking I could not do this - knowing that I am not doing a good enough job - wondering how to tell people I wanted out - worried that if I got out what would happen to my ministry that is unsteady as it is.
I had talked to a few people about it, and some of you have seen me at my worst with worry and fear about it all.
Then last night I talked about it with someone who has been there along side me for a long time. Someone who has seen the ups and the downs of the ministry with me. Someone who has seen leaders come and go and get hurt by the ministry. Someone who helped remind me of the direction I wanted this thing to go. Someone who revived in me my passion for not giving up.
Of course overnight Satan tried to hurt me once again. He tried to tell me I wasn't good enough. That I needed to get out. That I was hurting the ministry more than helping it by staying in the leadership role. Only this morning I didn't realize that it was Satan whispering these things in my ear.
As I started going through the mail this morning, I came across the newsletter I get from Lori Salierno (see Wednesday's entry for a brief summary of the impact she has on my life) about her non-profit organization Celebrate Life International (Now a few of you know how the mail situation works in my house...someone gets the mail...it ends up in a pile on a chair or table...and if you don't look at the mail for the day, it gets buried the next day) This was actually her November newsletter and somehow it had gotten lost in the shuffle. I opened it and began reading. The first words of her letter were "I'm getting out, I am just getting out!" Now not to worry, she was quoting one of her speaking colleagues from a while ago. Her colleague had told her he just couldn't handle being in the secular world anymore, that it was too hard, and he was getting out. He was only going to speak to Christian kids from that point on. He couldn't handle it anymore and he was getting out.
***(side note - this is a form letter off the computer that has puts the person's name they are sending it to after Dear at the beginning of the letter)
Then I turn the page and this is what I read - "I share that experience with you, Jeanna, because we do not have the option to get out. I know that my colleague is struggling with what to do next. But the reality if there: too many of us are 'getting out'." (!!!!!!!!!!!) Can you imagine the way this impacted me! Right there, in black and white, from an amazing leader and woman of God that I admire, telling me to hold on.
As if that wasn't enough to shock me into listening, I continued reading something I believe all of us in ministry need to hear and remember - What if Joseph, Mary's fiance, had "gotten out" because Mary was pregant? What if Mary had "gotten out" because there was no room for them in the inn?....What if Abraham Lincoln had "gotten out" after losing five elections and bids for nomination, never to become president? What if African-American Rosa Parks had "gotten out" in 1955 and given up her seat to a white person on that Montgomery City bus? Seeds of reform would not have been planted that December Day." What if I choose to "get out"? What might not happen? What if I am supposed to be the one to stick it out? What if I am the leader God has chosen to make things happen? What if I decide to put myself before my ministry because "It's just too hard"?
What if?
What if?
I'm done.
I can't do this.
I'm getting out.
These last two months these are the words that have been overriding my thoughts about my ministry. I have been in a practically constant emotional and spiritual battle over being in a position of leadership in my ministry.
I KNOW where my passion lies.
I KNOW where my heart is.
I KNOW where God wants me to go.
What I didn't know was if I was supposed to be a leader there.
Every once in a while I would have a mini-breakdown and cry - thinking I could not do this - knowing that I am not doing a good enough job - wondering how to tell people I wanted out - worried that if I got out what would happen to my ministry that is unsteady as it is.
I had talked to a few people about it, and some of you have seen me at my worst with worry and fear about it all.
Then last night I talked about it with someone who has been there along side me for a long time. Someone who has seen the ups and the downs of the ministry with me. Someone who has seen leaders come and go and get hurt by the ministry. Someone who helped remind me of the direction I wanted this thing to go. Someone who revived in me my passion for not giving up.
Of course overnight Satan tried to hurt me once again. He tried to tell me I wasn't good enough. That I needed to get out. That I was hurting the ministry more than helping it by staying in the leadership role. Only this morning I didn't realize that it was Satan whispering these things in my ear.
As I started going through the mail this morning, I came across the newsletter I get from Lori Salierno (see Wednesday's entry for a brief summary of the impact she has on my life) about her non-profit organization Celebrate Life International (Now a few of you know how the mail situation works in my house...someone gets the mail...it ends up in a pile on a chair or table...and if you don't look at the mail for the day, it gets buried the next day) This was actually her November newsletter and somehow it had gotten lost in the shuffle. I opened it and began reading. The first words of her letter were "I'm getting out, I am just getting out!" Now not to worry, she was quoting one of her speaking colleagues from a while ago. Her colleague had told her he just couldn't handle being in the secular world anymore, that it was too hard, and he was getting out. He was only going to speak to Christian kids from that point on. He couldn't handle it anymore and he was getting out.
***(side note - this is a form letter off the computer that has puts the person's name they are sending it to after Dear at the beginning of the letter)
Then I turn the page and this is what I read - "I share that experience with you, Jeanna, because we do not have the option to get out. I know that my colleague is struggling with what to do next. But the reality if there: too many of us are 'getting out'." (!!!!!!!!!!!) Can you imagine the way this impacted me! Right there, in black and white, from an amazing leader and woman of God that I admire, telling me to hold on.
As if that wasn't enough to shock me into listening, I continued reading something I believe all of us in ministry need to hear and remember - What if Joseph, Mary's fiance, had "gotten out" because Mary was pregant? What if Mary had "gotten out" because there was no room for them in the inn?....What if Abraham Lincoln had "gotten out" after losing five elections and bids for nomination, never to become president? What if African-American Rosa Parks had "gotten out" in 1955 and given up her seat to a white person on that Montgomery City bus? Seeds of reform would not have been planted that December Day." What if I choose to "get out"? What might not happen? What if I am supposed to be the one to stick it out? What if I am the leader God has chosen to make things happen? What if I decide to put myself before my ministry because "It's just too hard"?
What if?
What if?
Friday, December 02, 2005
Hmmm....
So originally this morning I was planning on posting a blog on the things that fire me up....yeah, I know, Jeanna fired up, that's nothing new :) But then as the day went on, I realized something...some of my friends and I have been talking about Blessings lately. And I realized THAT should be the main focus of my day, not all the stuff that has me fired up today...although I am going to write a little rant on that too :) SO....
Things that fire me up today -
* People who say they are Christians but who are continually hurting the cause of Christ, not helping it (To see how I got all fired up about this, look at Jon's blog)
* People who slack at my work knowing I will get the job done that needs to be done
* Myself - for always picking up the pieces because I do not want the Library to come across negatively to our patrons
* Dumb people who think they know about computers, get other people fired up about something they have no idea what is going on, and then I need to calm everyone down
* SONY! GRRRRR.... You gotta read this bull honky
Okay, so those are the few things firing me up today, and now on to the more important, flippin awesome blessings!
* Hungry Hungry Hippos - Yes this is an old school game that I love...a few months back we were all talking about it, and I even believe someone was going to go out and buy it, well anyway, someone donated some games to the library's booksale (???) (Who would donate games to a booksale, anyway) And this was one of them! So I bought it for like a dollar! I LOVE this game!! I hope you all know that we are SOOOO playing it soon! hehehe
*Snow - Yes believe it or not I am so flippin excited about the snow! I totally want to do something Winter-esque tonight (like build a snowman, have a snowball fight, make a snowangel, do the Winding Brook Christmas lights, etc. ) I just have to find people who want to partake in the craziness of my life! Anyway, so the snow is sticking and I can have fun in it - plus it is absolutely gorgeous to watch it fall - it gives me a sense of peace...
* Becky - Just because she freaked last night thinking something was wrong because the snow made it look lighter outside (Becky, if you are reading this, it was just too cute!)
* Blogs - I just love how connected I feel to everyone! They flippin rock!
* Friends - I have some of the most amazing friends a person could ever hope for! I love spending time with you all and I always look forward to the times we get to hang out together! I love doing life with all of you!
* And lastly, the blessing that blew me away and drew me to tears...last night I had a friend who was struggling. She is dealing with a lot right now - pain, confusion, anger - all the biggies. All I did was take a little time to talk with her on the phone and prayed for her (it wasn't even a very eloquent prayer) and then today I got an email from her saying that I was a blessing. Me. A blessing. She has a blessing jar that she has been struggling to use so I encouraged her to let me know everyday when she put a blessing in to hold her accountable, and today I was her blessing. Wow. I think sometimes we all forget that we are blessings to other people as well!
Thanks for listening to me vent a little but also focus on my blessings as well.
Here are a few pictures of some of my "blessings" I happen to have with me...
Things that fire me up today -
* People who say they are Christians but who are continually hurting the cause of Christ, not helping it (To see how I got all fired up about this, look at Jon's blog)
* People who slack at my work knowing I will get the job done that needs to be done
* Myself - for always picking up the pieces because I do not want the Library to come across negatively to our patrons
* Dumb people who think they know about computers, get other people fired up about something they have no idea what is going on, and then I need to calm everyone down
* SONY! GRRRRR.... You gotta read this bull honky
Okay, so those are the few things firing me up today, and now on to the more important, flippin awesome blessings!
* Hungry Hungry Hippos - Yes this is an old school game that I love...a few months back we were all talking about it, and I even believe someone was going to go out and buy it, well anyway, someone donated some games to the library's booksale (???) (Who would donate games to a booksale, anyway) And this was one of them! So I bought it for like a dollar! I LOVE this game!! I hope you all know that we are SOOOO playing it soon! hehehe
*Snow - Yes believe it or not I am so flippin excited about the snow! I totally want to do something Winter-esque tonight (like build a snowman, have a snowball fight, make a snowangel, do the Winding Brook Christmas lights, etc. ) I just have to find people who want to partake in the craziness of my life! Anyway, so the snow is sticking and I can have fun in it - plus it is absolutely gorgeous to watch it fall - it gives me a sense of peace...
* Becky - Just because she freaked last night thinking something was wrong because the snow made it look lighter outside (Becky, if you are reading this, it was just too cute!)
* Blogs - I just love how connected I feel to everyone! They flippin rock!
* Friends - I have some of the most amazing friends a person could ever hope for! I love spending time with you all and I always look forward to the times we get to hang out together! I love doing life with all of you!
* And lastly, the blessing that blew me away and drew me to tears...last night I had a friend who was struggling. She is dealing with a lot right now - pain, confusion, anger - all the biggies. All I did was take a little time to talk with her on the phone and prayed for her (it wasn't even a very eloquent prayer) and then today I got an email from her saying that I was a blessing. Me. A blessing. She has a blessing jar that she has been struggling to use so I encouraged her to let me know everyday when she put a blessing in to hold her accountable, and today I was her blessing. Wow. I think sometimes we all forget that we are blessings to other people as well!
Thanks for listening to me vent a little but also focus on my blessings as well.
Here are a few pictures of some of my "blessings" I happen to have with me...
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Random Thoughts of Today...
So I have all kinds of random things going through my head right now, so you lucky people get a scary look inside my mind....
Okay, so first off, all morning all I did at work was decorate the Computer Lab for Christmas...granted to had to help people with computers as well, but other than that, it was decorating...climbing on chairs and counters, trying to make things STAY PUT when they did not want to, ugg (as I am typing this I am staring at a garland that has partially fallen and I can't fix yet because there are patrons using the computers in front of it! I also re-discovered this morning how freakin anal I am about decorating...I tell you what I put things up and ripped them down over and over and over again...man I'm a freak!
Second total random topic...creepy people who frequent the library - So I decided that I completely jinxed myself last night. Jon had asked how work went and if I had to deal with any creepy people (not sure if that was his word, but that is the general point) I said nope, not really. And then this morning hit. There was this guy who kept turning around and staring at me...I didn't let it bother me, I mean, maybe he was looking at the printer or something...BUT just recently he came back in to get back on the computers. I went to lunch and thought "Cool, I don't have to get freaked out by him" but then...after I ate I came back to the staff part of the lab, walk by the windows to put my stuff down, glance out the window, and there he was staring at me through the window! NOW I was a little creeped out. So when I sat down at this computer, I had to slouch to the side so he couldn't see me....stupid creepy people!
Next random thought - the book Blue Like Jazz. It totally kicks butt! I am constantly thinking "Whoa, that is an awesome thing to think about, I should blog about it" but then I keep reading and find something else that is a whoa moment, and then another and then another, and then my brain just goes on overload and doesn't even know where to start! So I will start with the one that really hit me because Kitty had sent out an email recently about this same thing ---He's talking about waiting in line at a grocery store when he noticed the woman in front of him was paying with food stamps. He wished he could have just paid for the groceries for her and then realized that would be more embarrassing for her. He goes on to say "I realized that it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me. Somehow I had come to believe that because a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that. I wanted to buy her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away." --Something to think about judging others....
And last randomness fo
r the moment....
This is Lindsey AIRBORNE after the GCC baptism this year - -note- - we have video footage as well - good times, good times....
Okay, so first off, all morning all I did at work was decorate the Computer Lab for Christmas...granted to had to help people with computers as well, but other than that, it was decorating...climbing on chairs and counters, trying to make things STAY PUT when they did not want to, ugg (as I am typing this I am staring at a garland that has partially fallen and I can't fix yet because there are patrons using the computers in front of it! I also re-discovered this morning how freakin anal I am about decorating...I tell you what I put things up and ripped them down over and over and over again...man I'm a freak!
Second total random topic...creepy people who frequent the library - So I decided that I completely jinxed myself last night. Jon had asked how work went and if I had to deal with any creepy people (not sure if that was his word, but that is the general point) I said nope, not really. And then this morning hit. There was this guy who kept turning around and staring at me...I didn't let it bother me, I mean, maybe he was looking at the printer or something...BUT just recently he came back in to get back on the computers. I went to lunch and thought "Cool, I don't have to get freaked out by him" but then...after I ate I came back to the staff part of the lab, walk by the windows to put my stuff down, glance out the window, and there he was staring at me through the window! NOW I was a little creeped out. So when I sat down at this computer, I had to slouch to the side so he couldn't see me....stupid creepy people!
Next random thought - the book Blue Like Jazz. It totally kicks butt! I am constantly thinking "Whoa, that is an awesome thing to think about, I should blog about it" but then I keep reading and find something else that is a whoa moment, and then another and then another, and then my brain just goes on overload and doesn't even know where to start! So I will start with the one that really hit me because Kitty had sent out an email recently about this same thing ---He's talking about waiting in line at a grocery store when he noticed the woman in front of him was paying with food stamps. He wished he could have just paid for the groceries for her and then realized that would be more embarrassing for her. He goes on to say "I realized that it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me. Somehow I had come to believe that because a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that. I wanted to buy her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away." --Something to think about judging others....
And last randomness fo
r the moment....This is Lindsey AIRBORNE after the GCC baptism this year - -note- - we have video footage as well - good times, good times....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)