"I'm getting out"

I'm getting out.

I'm done.

I can't do this.

I'm getting out.

These last two months these are the words that have been overriding my thoughts about my ministry. I have been in a practically constant emotional and spiritual battle over being in a position of leadership in my ministry.

I KNOW where my passion lies.

I KNOW where my heart is.

I KNOW where God wants me to go.

What I didn't know was if I was supposed to be a leader there.

Every once in a while I would have a mini-breakdown and cry - thinking I could not do this - knowing that I am not doing a good enough job - wondering how to tell people I wanted out - worried that if I got out what would happen to my ministry that is unsteady as it is.

I had talked to a few people about it, and some of you have seen me at my worst with worry and fear about it all.

Then last night I talked about it with someone who has been there along side me for a long time. Someone who has seen the ups and the downs of the ministry with me. Someone who has seen leaders come and go and get hurt by the ministry. Someone who helped remind me of the direction I wanted this thing to go. Someone who revived in me my passion for not giving up.

Of course overnight Satan tried to hurt me once again. He tried to tell me I wasn't good enough. That I needed to get out. That I was hurting the ministry more than helping it by staying in the leadership role. Only this morning I didn't realize that it was Satan whispering these things in my ear.

As I started going through the mail this morning, I came across the newsletter I get from Lori Salierno (see Wednesday's entry for a brief summary of the impact she has on my life) about her non-profit organization Celebrate Life International (Now a few of you know how the mail situation works in my house...someone gets the mail...it ends up in a pile on a chair or table...and if you don't look at the mail for the day, it gets buried the next day) This was actually her November newsletter and somehow it had gotten lost in the shuffle. I opened it and began reading. The first words of her letter were "I'm getting out, I am just getting out!" Now not to worry, she was quoting one of her speaking colleagues from a while ago. Her colleague had told her he just couldn't handle being in the secular world anymore, that it was too hard, and he was getting out. He was only going to speak to Christian kids from that point on. He couldn't handle it anymore and he was getting out.
***(side note - this is a form letter off the computer that has puts the person's name they are sending it to after Dear at the beginning of the letter)
Then I turn the page and this is what I read - "I share that experience with you, Jeanna, because we do not have the option to get out. I know that my colleague is struggling with what to do next. But the reality if there: too many of us are 'getting out'." (!!!!!!!!!!!) Can you imagine the way this impacted me! Right there, in black and white, from an amazing leader and woman of God that I admire, telling me to hold on.

As if that wasn't enough to shock me into listening, I continued reading something I believe all of us in ministry need to hear and remember - What if Joseph, Mary's fiance, had "gotten out" because Mary was pregant? What if Mary had "gotten out" because there was no room for them in the inn?....What if Abraham Lincoln had "gotten out" after losing five elections and bids for nomination, never to become president? What if African-American Rosa Parks had "gotten out" in 1955 and given up her seat to a white person on that Montgomery City bus? Seeds of reform would not have been planted that December Day." What if I choose to "get out"? What might not happen? What if I am supposed to be the one to stick it out? What if I am the leader God has chosen to make things happen? What if I decide to put myself before my ministry because "It's just too hard"?

What if?

What if?