Amazing Love

A few weeks ago I picked up this book from the library called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. I had heard that it was the female equivalent to Wild at Heart. While I knew I would probably learn something from this book, I had no idea how drastically it would change my life...

The first few chapters of the book were kind of background informative - and I wasn't getting a thing out of it. I was tempted a few times to just stop reading - only one thing stopped me. When I picked up this book at Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago to pass the time while I was waiting to meet someone, I opened up the book randomly and started reading. The selection I read was entitled Warrior Princesses. It immediately took me back to the 2004 Women's Retreat and caught my attention right off. - The only reason I kept reading this book was because I wanted to get to that chapter. I am so glad I pushed forward. Monday night I hit the chapters that unexpectedly hit home. One particular chapter focuses on the lies we as women believe about ourselves - for example - "I am not good enough", "I am too difficult to deal with", "I am ugly", "I am not worthy", "I am too easy", "I am too fat", "I am too thin", "I have too many issues" - the list goes on and on. As I was reading I realized how I too believe some of these things about myself. A part of me wanted to stop reading, because it hurt to see these things written down in front of me - I wanted to run - I didn't want to think about these things - I didn't want to work through the pain, it just seemed to hard. I stopped reading for a few hours but then picked the book up again. The next chapter was how much the enemy wants to hurt us and how he is the one who puts these thoughts in us at an early age - he has been trying to hurt us because we are a threat to him and it is working. Well, this just fired me up! It never occured to me that these things I truly believed were real about myself didn't come from God - that these things weren't real - that I wasn't seeing myself how God sees me. Talk about an intense night! So I prayed. I talked to God and I really listened. One of the ideas in the book is to simply ask God to show you your beauty - how HE sees you. As scary as this was for me, I did. I flat out asked God to show me my beauty. Talk about overwhelming!

Last night I hit the part of the book that is all about how much God loves us. And how He is constantly trying to show us how much He loves us, only we don't notice. It challenges the reader to ask God to show us how much He loves us. I was so frightened that if I asked God this question that I wouldn't get an answer - that I would be the one person who didn't see anything. But I took a leap of faith and asked. And do you know what God showed me - He opened my eyes to all the ways He has been trying to show me in the last three days how much He loves me! Tears came to my eyes when I realized how much God really does LOVE me! There was this hole inside of me that I never even realized was there until this morning when God filled it up with His love. He had been waiting patiently for me to realize this my entire life - This last summer I read Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy and I know God was trying to fill my heart through this book, only I didn't get it yet. I was so close, but never quite there. I never quite trusted God enough to fill that hole inside that was shaped perfectly for Him. I never thought I was good enough for God. I always thought - well, once I start memorizing scripture, or once I know more of the Bible, or once I know how to better minister to people, then I will be good enough for God. This morning I realized that God has always loved me right where I am. All He ever wanted was ME. I let fear hold me back from the best kind of love.

So, I wanted to list on here some of the ways God has used in the past few days to really show me how much HE loves me....(ironic this was originally all I was going to post, and I ended up posting my entire journey...)

* snow - crazy I know, but when those flakes are coming down so soft and gentle and fall perfectly on the ground, I see God...
* kids - on Sunday when I was with the kids from Son City Kids I would just find myself smiling and not even realizing it - and then I had Carson last night - when he would look at me and demand a kiss I knew love
* friends - the conversations we have and the hugs we all give...need I say more
* the CD Brave by Nichole Nordeman - many of these songs have just hit straight to the heart

The list goes on and on...so I am going to finish here with the lyrics to Brave by Nichole Nordeman - more than anything fear holds me back from so many things - fear had me keeping God at arms length for years, and now, God makes me want to be brave - because I know it is worth it!

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it allI say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave