Thinking

Sometimes I think bad thoughts. Surprising I know. Most people won't admit it. Most Christians won't admit it. But we all know it's true.

Lately the vengeful side of my thought life has been flaring up. Yep, there are certain people who those thoughts are directed toward. Certain circumstances making me want to take action for the wrong reasons. And for a brief moment it is very alluring.

And it got me thinking...I was brought up with morals and values. I was taught the difference between right and wrong. And I knew there were consequences for making bad choices. That foundation is enough to keep me in check.

To some extent.

But what about the side of revenge that isn't black and white, right or wrong. The place where you are choosing to live your life to spite someone. The place that you can rationalize your actions as moral because you aren't "purposefully" hurting someone, it just so happens to occur as an after effect. Where does this fit in?

When I look around I see those kind of choices being made everyday, and people believing it's okay because they have convinced themselves they didn't actually "do" anything to hurt anyone. That it just kind of happened.

And I realized those bad thoughts will happen from time to time. That's our sinful nature. The difference is how we choose to act on those thoughts. I choose not to purposefully hurt others, even if it is just an after effect. My reason? God calls us to love others. He says it more times in the Bible than I can count. He doesn't say to even the playing field. He doesn't say it's okay to hurt others if they have hurt you. He asks us to love. We have been given an amazing gift called grace. But it isn't just for us...it's for everyone. So, even when it's not easy, I am choosing love.

And I am grateful I have grace if I sometimes screw it up...

I have some of the most amazing friends.

I'm not just saying that either.

Want some proof? Here ya go -

I realized after Christmas that my favorite coffee creamer would soon be disappearing off the shelf - when I was out Wednesday with a friend we started looking for it and couldn't find it. I was distressed. Yesterday I got a call from her. She was at the grocery store a little further away and found it. She bought be two bottles.

My best friend gave me a "perfect" Christmas gift yesterday. It served as a reminder of something I needed to hear.

I hate cleaning off my car when it snows. It's cold, you get wet and when you have places to go it's just down right frustrating. One of my friends remembered how I jokingly wanted a chauffer to solve all my winter woes and came by my work when I got off to clean off my car for me. Granted, I had already done it since I didn't know her plan, but she did it for me later on after we had run around some.

While hanging out and chatting with a friend I was cold from my pants being damp around my ankles (I don't recommend wearing your comfy, big jeans when it's slushy outside. They get soaked). She got me a down comforter and made sure I was covered up and warm. Sometimes it's just nice to have someone take care of you.

Believe me now? Yep, they are great! I'm a very lucky chica!

Wisdom

Sometimes kids are smarter than we could ever imagine. This is a video made from a phone call a 13 year old boy made to his local radio station. It's been viewed over 4 1/2 million times on YouTube in less than two months. I can't even begin to describe how incredible it is, or how much I needed to watch it right when I did.

Still Amazed

This week I got to experience one of the best Christmas Eve services ever.

And I am not exaggerating.

Christmas Eve at GCC completely rocked my socks off! I can't even point out which part was best - everything about it was done so well. Don't believe me? Well you can watch it online and see for yourself. One word of warning though, the web doesn't do it glory. Nothing can match the intensity, emotion and complexity of the experience.

This last weekend was pretty amazing too - guess what...you can catch that online too!

Dampers the Mood...

After putting in a few hours at work this morning, I made the commitment to head to the gym. Now before you go giving me props for working out on Christmas Eve, I must tell you I really had no choice. I just purged my "bigger" clothes. And given the wonderful goodies (and junk) I've been consuming the last few days, okay maybe weeks, there was no option. Yesterday I slept in and didn't go, tomorrow probably won't happen, that left today. Needless to say, my heart wasn't exactly into it - didn't want to be there - almost kept driving - heard that annoying little voice in my head "Do you really want your butt to get bigger?"

So I hit the treadmill. About halfway through my workout as I am perspiring greatly, wishing I would have gone home and taken a nap instead of going to the gym, I notice it. The new person next to me has an interesting aroma and it just hit my nose. And I wanted to say "forget it" to my workout and get the heck outta dodge. Let me just say, this was not a "normal" gym smell. There are certain smells you expect at a gym - sweat, disinfectant, powerade - but this was not. It was the smell of old garlic permeating someone so deep that their pores exude it. Mix that with the normal gym smells and it's a lethal combination.

I think I deserve a reward for finishing my workout and not vomiting all over the machine.

Love this!

I originally saw this on Lindsay's blog but since have seen it all over the blog world. Take the few minutes, stick with it, trust me, it's awesome!

My Day Thus Far....

• 7:ish in the morning - hear sister scream. Jump outta bed - think house is caving in. Turns out she saw someone she knew on the news and wanted mom to see.
• 7:ish plus 30 seconds - head back to bed really ticked off. Grumbling under my breath. Wishing death on the one who woke me up from my slumber. Realize that would take to much energy. Curl into bed somewhat bitter.
• 8:30 - wake up with horrible sinus headache. Feel like my head is going to explode. Try to blow my nose. Nothing happens. Can't breathe with my nose. Would kiss someone if they could make it better.
• 8:45 - manage to go back to sleep. Still can't breathe.
• 9:00 - workman starts sawing to fix the door on our family room. Thinking bad thoughts. Fall back asleep.
• 9:45-10:30 - on and off sleep. Wanting nothing more than to stay in bed. Want sleep. Hoping sleep will ward off the cold and sinus thing.
• 10:45 - get outta bed knowing sleep isn't working. Take drugs. Very grumpy
• 11:30 - drugs have kicked in - put on Christmas music and begin wrapping. Feeling better. No longer wishing death on certain people.
• 12:15 - decide to finally clean bedroom. Find fun stuff. Feel good about purging clothes that are too big.
• 2:00 - turn on computer to start doing some work from home.
• 2:05 - figure using a mouse instead of touchpad would make life easier for the task at hand.
• 2:06 - Wireless mouse about to get thrown across the room
• 2:09 - get mouse to work. Not working well.
• 2:10 - wonder how anyone uses a mouse without a back button on it
• 2:12 - realize how odd of a day it has been already. Decide to blog. Hoping rest of the day gets better. Contemplating going to the gym in a few hours to work off frustration and Christmas goodies.

You Just Never Know...

Just saw this headline from The South Bend Tribune...

Polite gunman robs Mishawaka liquor store

MISHAWAKA — A man armed with a gun robbed the City Wide Liquor store at 1107 W. Eighth St. about 9:30 p.m. Tuesday. Employees told police a man armed with a handgun walked into the store and demanded money.After the clerk gave him the money, he thanked her and wished her a Merry Christmas.

A Glimpse Back

Tonight I found myself looking through some of my old blogs...talk about interesting...some show me how far I've come, some remind me of hilarious moments, and some make me grateful for not working with the public anymore.

• Over a year ago I blogged about thinking - it used to scare me - not anymore. Thinking
• Last November I wrote about how different I was then than the year before. This year I feel the same way - I'm not the same now that I was in 2006. I think that's a good sign :) Who I am - on the road to who I am becoming
• Sometimes I do stupid things - this was one of those times. Good thing I can laugh about it. The Coffee Incident
• One of the many random moments of pure blondeness. Blonde Moment...
• I don't miss this about the library. Creepy Library Guys
• And lastly, one of my favorite library moments. Shoes

Random Sunday Evening Thoughts

• Snow is beautiful. But I hate dealing with it. I want Santa to bring me a snowblower and a chauffer for Christmas.
• I wish I would have made a snow angel while I was already bundled up and covered in snow.
• Experienced Caribou Coffee for the first time - now I desperately want one to come to town!
• Sometimes it's so hard to continually trust in God when His plan doesn't make sense or seems to be too painful to bear
• God often speaks to me through my ipod - crazy how he can send me the exact song I need, right when I need it, out of over 1,500 options.
• Christmas is fast approaching. I'm not sure I'm ready for it yet!
• A few weeks ago I bought two fleece sweatshirts and a pair of pajama pants from Old Navy. They are my new winter favorites. I would wear them all day every day if I could.
• I've read two books this weekend - while I let some other basic cleaning stuff slip, it was needed. I've missed reading.
• I didn't go to the gym this weekend - but after shoveling the driveway TWICE today, I think I got my workout anyway.
• I am finally the owner of A Charlie Brown Christmas on DVD - guess what I want to do tonight :)
• I get to spend all day tomorrow with my team - can a day get any better?

Maddie and Luke

Not too long ago I got to spend the day with two great kids! And of course I had to take their pictures - a lot of pictures.

Maddie watching tv and me playing with my camera settings :)


Maddie soon realized I was taking pictures of her and wanted to pose:


Luke chillin with his paci


Can you tell this girl know what to do when a camera is around? This time she asked me to take her picture and then wanted to see it. How cute is that!


Luke investigating something - he was looking so cute and by the time the picture "snapped" he had moved. Kids are just too fast for digital cameras!



Apparently something near him was appealing and he decided to see if it tasted good too.



Luke staring at me like I'm a crazy lady with a camera :)



Little Miss Maddie again!

How Long?

You may have been wondering much like myself how much longer you have before your favorite tv shows have run out due to the writer's strike. Now, we know...

Check out the Strike Chart - put out by TV Guide

Unfortunately, some of my favorite shows have run out, or are close to running out...sigh...

At least one of mine has a few left!

One Thing.

I have recently decided that I only need one thing to make winter a wonderful experience for me. One thing that would help my outlook stay positive from December thru March. Just one. I don't think one is too much to ask for. All I want is a chauffer.

I've done some thinking and discovered that a chauffer would be the answer to all my winter woes. Here's my list of things I don't like about winter. Think about it. All of them could be easily fixed if I had a chauffer.

- Scraping off the car. My pants get wet. My fingers get cold. Just not fun for me.
- Getting gas in the winter. Really not a fan!
- Driving in snow and ice. Ick.
- Freezing the entire car ride only for it to finally heat up when you get to your destination.
- Cleaning the driveway. For the same reasons as scraping off the car!
- Walking outside in the blistering wind to get to the car. Ever heard of curbside pickup?

Do you see what I mean? All I need is a chauffer. And now I bet many of you are thinking the same thing.

Brilliant idea. Now to figure out how to execute it...

My new weakness

Thinking

When there's not any specific show on tv that I am dying to see, I do what all normal people do.

I channel surf.

Tonight I stopped on a movie I watched for years. Armageddon. I used to love this movie - to the point that I watched it all the time. This time though my thought processes went beyond what I was watching on the screen. I found myself thinking and questioning...

If you knew your time left on earth was limited, how would that change your life? What would you say or do that you might not have otherwise? What wouldn't you say or do that you are currently? And if this was true, why are we living the way we are?

Loves of my life...

My adorable nephew and niece!

Irony

Tonight I met up with a friend for some great conversation at one of the many local Starbucks. On the ride home this song came on and it suddenly reminded me of a topic we covered. A topic I think all women have struggled with at some point in time or another.

Beautiful
by Bethany Dillon

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
Count on the make-up to cover it all.
Crying myself to sleep ‘cause I can not keep their attention
Thought I could be strong, but it’s killing me.

Does someone hear my cry?
I’m dying for new life.

I wanna be beautiful,
Make you stand in awe.
Look inside my heart.
Be amazed.
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just wanna be worthy of love

And Beautiful

Sometimes I wish I was someone
Other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won’t you help me back to glory?

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart
And I am amazed
I love to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love
Beautiful
You make me worthy of love
Beautiful
Beautiful

My two current favorites...

There are two songs I just can't get enough of right now. The first is Citizen Soldier by 3 Doors Down and it is a tribute to the National Guard. The video is amazing and you can catch it on the National Guard website or watch it here via the wonders of YouTube! Props to Corey for first blogging about this.





The other song I just discovered minutes ago - The Power of One by Bomshel. Amazing song and, get this, is currently FREE on itunes! Yes, you read that right, FREE! You can check out the lyrics or watch the video made to encourage people to get involved and volunteer that I found on none other than YouTube.

A Matter of Perspective

I believe there are three times when a hot shower feels better than any other time.

After you've worked up a sweat.
After coming in from the cold.
After returning from a third world country.

Is the shower any different on these days than on any others? Not really. Is the water pressure better just because it knows you deserve it? If only. Does the hot water last as long as you could possibly endure? I wish.

It just feels better because you appreciate it more. Suddenly something so simple and common becomes extraordinarily wonderful. Simply because you aren't taking it for granted.

How often do we take the everyday things of our life for granted? The people we see everyday for granted? The experiences we are lucky enough to have, for granted?

And how often do we realize what we are doing, and in a matter of hours or days or weeks, forget yet again...

Fall Family Fun

Ethan decided we should rake the yard. Just like any normal six year-old, his motivation was to play in the leaves. Smart kid. He also decided to attack my sister Jaci with leaves right at this moment.


Hmmm...I wonder where Ethan went??


Our huge leaf pile! Trust me, it was big. And took us a good hour to accomplish given we were using one adult-size rake, one child-size rake and a broom.


Ethan thought the flag needed to be flown from our pile. What a patriotic kid.

Our reward was to make Halloween cupcakes - even though it was a few days after Halloween. Sprinkles = even better!

I'm distressed.

Curious?

Here's the reason.

If you have ever been near me from January to May you should know why.

Late Night Update

• I can't believe I just called a blog I am composing at 10:15 pm a late night update. Can you tell I'm tired and completely drained??
• I'm fighting a sinus infection. I can feel it. I get them every year. Hopefully if I up my vitamin intake I can defend it all on my own!
• I had a great weekend with my family - fun pictures and blogs to come!
• After house/animal sitting for three different families one right after another, it will be nice to sleep in my own bed and not have to worry about any other being except myself. Guess it's a good thing I'm not a parent...I hear you can't just give them back when you are tired.
• Yesterday I broke down. I got out the winter coat. I didn't want to. I tried to fight it. But my comfort won out.
• Many people from my team at work are gone to share their knowledge with other churches for workshops. They are in California. It's warmer there. I'm jealous.
• Sometimes I really hate being an adult and all you have to worry about. Making dentist appointments, eye appointments, getting your car serviced, remembering to return important phone calls. Can I be three again? I hear three is a good age.
• When I was three I split my lip open and knocked out my front teeth. Maybe three wasn't such a good year for me...
• God's doing some work inside of me lately. I'm not quite sure the how, what or why, but I can feel it.
• It's getting harder every day to get up early and go to the gym. I don't like getting out of a warm, cozy bed to face a cold day. And it's only just begun...

"Why are you reading when you could be petting me?"

You just never know...

Weird things seem to happen to me. Not necessarily extreme things, just things that don't normally happen in every day life. Today was no different.

I'm going to be completely honest and put it out there that I haven't been to a dentist in over 5 years. (If you are done shaking your head in disapproval, continue on...) I know it's not healthy, but it's true. So I finally found a new dentist and went it today expecting the worse.

Everything was going along fine with my cleaning - no horrifying gasps from the hygienist, no tsks tsks about my dental habits. And then the doctor came in.

When the doctor and the hygienist start talking about your x-rays and there is a sound of confusion and wonder, one starts to get concerned. Of course my mind kicks into high gear thinking "I knew it! I knew something was horribly wrong!" The doctor starts looking into my mouth, feeling around and then asks if I have had my wisdom teeth removed. I told him I had to which I got a reply of "hmmm".

He then tells me that there is something showing up on my x-rays that is very strange. Something that looks like part of a tooth in the back of my mouth where I had my wisdom teeth removed, yet it is not attached to any bone. Just kind of free floating under the surface. Immediately my mind reverts back to the recovery room of my oral surgeon's office - 6 years ago - when I was told part of my tooth was lost and that I would need to be wheeled over to the hospital to get x-rays of my lungs taken.

Is it all making sense yet?

Yep. The missing part of my tooth has been found. Still in my mouth. Not where it belongs. Hanging out. Six years later.

Only me.

Stars

I use Google Reader to follow blogs. It's amazing. One of my favorite features is the "star" feature. It lets me star a blog post that I want quick access to later. I star blogs that really hit home, are blog-worthy themselves, or that have information I want later. It's been a long time since I have gone through all my starred blogs and I decided it's time to share some of my latest favorites with all you wonderful people.

• Postsecret.com - This site is real, it's raw and it often breaks my heart. And it always brings me back to reality. "PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard."
• Something I often take for granted
• When life seems to be taking the long way
• Things I often forget about
• A man who is truly building into his son - and I admire him for it
• What many are thinking, but often isn't heard

Alone

I have some amazing people in my life. People that I know I can turn to that will support me when life gets tough and celebrate with me when life is good. Sometimes though I find myself trying to do it all on my own.

The last few weeks have been tough. I've found myself going round and round with God - questioning decisions I've made, struggling for answers, desperate for guidance.

And I've been trying to do it all on my own.

I knew I needed to let someone in on my struggles, but for some reason I couldn't. Many times I picked up the phone to share it with someone, sometimes even getting them on the phone, only to talk about "fluff" instead. I process better when I talk with someone - to get my thoughts out. But I wasn't.

Yesterday while chatting with one of my closest friends, I opened the door ever so slightly. And she could tell I needed to talk. She more or less yanked the door open and made herself right at home.

And it was exactly what I needed.


Saturday U2's song, Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own, came on my ipod. Out of 1500 songs, it was one of the first ones while on random. I know God has been trying to tell me something. It just took me a while to listen.

One Picture - One Perfect Statement

The Things We Do...

I'm currently sitting here patiently waiting for the blue goo on my face to turn white and hinder my face from moving in any direction.

Things things we do for beauty...

Love it!

There's a blog that I have been following for a while now. Some days it's photos of objects, some days it's photos of "Chuck" the dog in strange situations, some days it's hilarious stories that quite possibly might make me fall off my chair with laughter. In this blog, the title always matters. You skip the title, you miss out. Trust me.

So today I share with you the blog that most excites me when updated - that makes my day when my Google Reader appears with a new post - that always gets read first...

dooce


Today's photograph is now one of my favorites - I give you - "Yo."


*I recommend subscribing to her blog - you then get the updates from all three categories - her thoughts, her photographs, and her photographs of her dog. If not, then at least check all three categories - so worth it!*

OH, and be warned, she can be highly sarcastic at times and occasionally crude...but always real.

Thoughts Before Bed

• I realized this weekend that I should probably wash my winter coat before the really cold weather arrived so I would be prepared. This bothered me greatly. I'm not ready for winter.
• I love the smells of fall.
• I will go out of my way to step on a crunchy leaf.
• I'm tired of contacts - lasik would be amazing.
• Papa Vino's is amazing but just sits in your stomach for hours afterwards.
• You never know when, using who or how God might answer a prayer. Always keep your eyes and mind open.
• I actually sat down and read a whole book this weekend. It was nice, I miss doing that.
• Tonight I kept thinking it was Tuesday. I have no reason to think it was Tuesday. It just felt like a Tuesday I guess.
• I absolutely love working on in the mornings. If you would have told me 4 weeks ago that I would say that, I would laugh in your face. Now any other time to work out seems lacking to me.
• This morning I regretted cutting my hair off - I really wanted to put it in a ponytail and be lazy. A perfect example of why I decided to cut it all off.
• Starbucks is really smart - give away free itunes everyday. GENIUS!
• I love the flavors of fall beverages.
• Why is it that when I finally start getting a nice shape to parts of my body, the cold season comes and it will be completely unnoticeable due to all the layers and heavy clothes I will be wearing?!
• Sometimes its good to look back to see how far you've come, and sometimes it's good to look ahead to where you are going - but too much of either can be a bad thing.
• I could lock myself away for a year with nothing to do but read, and STILL not run out of books I haven't finished or even opened.
• I still buy more books though.

When a co-worker can't sleep

This is what comes out...

A Favorite Place

Feeling Violated

We have a door that leads out of the garage and into the backyard. With the renovations on our house, that door has gotten an extremely large amount of use lately and it wasn't a very good door to begin with.

Last night when we went to shut it, we noticed that it wasn't lining up right. It wouldn't shut, and pieces of the trim around it were coming off. The extra padlock wouldn't line up either. We started to wonder if someone had tried to break in. It's been obvious to people driving by that we are having work done on our house - and often times that leads to break-ins, and trying to steal the expensive tools used with any remodeling project.

While I was trying to keep a level head and think logically, a part of me did start to wonder "What if..."

About an hour later my mom called to me again - the construction guys put up plywood to block off the remodeling room from the rest of the house. My mom noticed that a piece of trim that the plywood was attached to was missing and pieces of the plywood had littered the floor.

Odd I thought. But it wasn't until we thought further that we started to question how nothing seemed to fit - the door, the plywood. The guys hadn't been working on our house that day, and we assumed they had taken their tools out of the garage, but it just seemed kind of suspicious. Thankfully we called the guy doing the work and found out that yes, they had the tools and that most likely his co-worker had come by and decided to remove the plywood only to reach resistance.

Even though we are pretty positive no one was in our house that didn't belong, that still didn't keep me from feeling violated. The thought, even though brief, of someone else in my house really bothered me. And made me question how secure I feel in my own home. Kinda funny how something that never happened, can make you feel completely uncomfortable.

Needless to say, the door is getting fixed as we speak - that is if the workmen can get through all our baricades to make sure it kept unwanted people out last night. Yep, we're nothing if not resourceful.

A Little Too Close...

Last night in the car I heard a song that hit a little too close to home.

I have a hard time letting others be strong for me. I haven't always been like this, but like with so many life lessons, comes baggage as well. And trusting others to hold me up when I am on the brink of breaking down is something I don't do. There have been a few people I am close to who have not only gained my trust, but have been strong enough for me to feel as if I can be weak. When I heard this song it served as a reminder that I not only need to let others be strong for me, but I need to trust that they will catch me when I finally do fall apart.

Fall by Clay Walker

Hold up there you go again
Puttin on that smile again
Even though I know you’ve had a bad day
Doin this and doin that
Always puttin’ yourself last
A whole lotta give and not enough take

But you can only be strong so long before you break…

So fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt every fear every worry every tear
Im right here
Baby fall

Forget about the world tonight
All that’s wrong and all that’s right
Lay your head on my shoulder let it fade away

And if you wanna let go baby its okay

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
Im right here
Baby fall

Hold on hold on hold on to me...

Fall go on and fall apart
Fall into these arms of mine
Ill catch you every time you fall
Go on and lose it all
Every doubt, every fear, every worry, every tear
Im right here
Baby fall

Oh so true...

Thoughts while baking...

• I am so blessed to have a mom that was patient enough to let me help bake as a young child. I can’t remember a time I didn’t know how to bake and through the years I have grown to love baking.

• I am so blessed to have a dad that was patient enough to teach me how to use tools, how to paint and basic common sense in a construction environment. How easy it would have been, as well as faster, to have done it all himself. But he took the time to instill those things where they have stayed through the years.

• I hope when I have kids I never lose perspective on what is important. I like to find the most efficient way possible to get something done, and I hope I will remember to take the extra time to build those memories with my children.

• I’ve been doing a lot of processing and thinking lately. Mostly about “big” life issues. God’s been doing some work in me.

• Some of that thinking has been on the topic of “fear”. I feel like as soon as I deal with one fear, and have it somewhat under control, another fear gets presented to me. I guess when you avoid or run from the things that frighten you the most to deal with, they always come back around. Those are the times I get walloped over the head with them. So much so that I can’t avoid them.

• I wonder if I will ever learn to just deal with my fears from the get-go.

• I have some amazing people in my life. Last week when I was tired and exhausted all I had to look around and see people around me holding me up, supporting me and encouraging me. It meant more than words could ever express.

Stumbled across this...

I just ran across this video on Corey's blog. Talk about hitting home.

Much Needed....

Saturday night after church a group of us hit up Wine Down for Becca's birthday. Few of you know how I feel about Wine Down. I absolutely love it! It's a fun, kinda "chill" environment with amazing food and a wine I actually like! Granted, Saturday night I decided against having a glass of wine with dinner - after many exhausting days, and not as much sleep as I require, I knew wine would make me too sleepy to drive home or to enjoy dinner for that matter. So I settled for a sip of my favorite from a friend's glass. While it isn't a cheap place to eat, the food is amazing! Try it sometime...trust me...

The Birthday Girl, Becca, and cute Steph!

Some of the girlies hanging at Wine Down.

Amazing Mac and Cheese!! Yum!

I'm so tired and ready to go to bed at this point!

More fun pictures while waiting for our yummy food!

Short Update

• Crazy week getting ready for Innovate.
• WOW! Innovate completely blew me away!
• Awesome Film Festival
• Dr. Bob rocked last night!
• Discovered lack of sleep and a social life makes me somewhat cranky (sorry!)
• Ready to relax and chill now.

Thoughts...

Not too long ago I had lunch with an old friend. As we were catching up she started to share with me some of the problems she was facing with her husband. He doesn’t know how to accept love. He pulls away and doesn’t let anyone in, and hasn’t in a long time. And now he is freaked out and is pushing her and their family away. She is trying to help him and to fight for him, their marriage and their family, but is constantly coming up against opposition by him.

The more I thought about it the more it bothered me. Not only for them, but for what it showed me about all of us as humans.

When you are young, the idea of heart break seems foreign. You never consider the fact that it could happen to you. Young people tend to jump into relationships and give their whole heart every time. It doesn’t occur to them to protect themselves; that heart break could actually happen to them.

And then it does.

And everything changes.

Looking back I can see the exact moment when I started to shut myself off emotionally. Coming from a divorced family you would think I would have safe-guarded my heart a long time ago. But I didn’t. I didn’t think it could happen to me. I couldn’t imagine someone hurting me that badly. But unfortunately it happens to most of us. Our hearts get broken, and often times our defense mechanisms start to kick in. We run, we hide, we push people away, we use others, we hurt others before they can hurt us, we close ourselves off. Personally, I chose the running option. And I was good at it. Probably too good. I believe everyone wants to find love, but our defense mechanisms get in the way. And if you live defensively for too long, you end up hurting the people you are closest to.

Like my friend’s husband.

While over the past 1 ½ - 2 years God has helped me to deal with my “running”, sometimes it is still a struggle.

But now I am even more determined than ever to fight my own instincts. I see how much pain he is causing his wife, his family and himself. And I don’t want to get so used to “running” that I can’t go back. I’m afraid he may be so used to pushing people away and keeping them at an arm’s length that he doesn’t know how to get back.

So I will continue to fight my own instincts – my defense mechanisms. Because I know the person I want to become and that doesn’t include running anymore.


"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." - C.S. Lewis

Random Thoughts After a Busy Day

• I did nothing yesterday but relax and watch The Office. It took me a good three hours to finally “relax” and let myself rest.
• This was a hard morning to get up and head to the gym. My bed was warm and the air around me was not. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep this morning habit up when it gets really cold out in the mornings.
• Martin’s salad bar has avocado now! Made my day just a little bit better.
• The room remodel on our house is over halfway done. I love coming home from work and going to see what all they have accomplished in one day.
• I’m excited to paint soon! And we are doing it before the carpet goes in, so it doesn’t matter nearly as much if I am messy!
• Serving in the nursery every Sunday is such a blessing to me – everything seems right in the world when you have a baby cuddle up against you and fall asleep on your chest.
• Something really great happened on Saturday! I weighed myself at the gym and I had lost 7 ½ lbs. in 10 days! It’s about time the weight started coming off! I had been gaining muscle and endurance like crazy and really needed to see the scale start to move. What a great way to start my day!
• The entire weekend was just awesome. I got to spend time with people I love as well as spend some time by myself. It was just what I needed before the week of Innovate.
• I am so excited for Innovate I can hardly stand it! There is some really cool stuff coming!
• There were two ladies at the gym this morning who apparently think they own the locker room. Had to pray to be patient and calm. A lot. I am not a morning person.
• Dr. Bob gave an amazing message this weekend at GCC. I highly recommend catching it online or listening to the podcast.

Office Fun

So what happens when Innovate is less than one week away and the stress is on?

Ouch...

In the last few days I can say that I know truly understand the saying "feel the burn".

I've been feeling the burn a lot lately.

As a matter of fact I am feeling the after burn right now.

Guess I just need to remember the other saying "No pain no gain".

Random Thoughts

Well, this was originally going to be "Early Morning Thoughts" but since the thoughts stayed in my head until NOW, it is now just random thoughts...

• The more you get up early, the easier it gets. I only needed to hit the snooze once and got up before the alarm went off again!
• I used to think I would have less energy in the morning to workout since I am not a morning person. I was wrong. I always end up pushing myself harder and accomplishing more now. I keep breaking my previous "records"
• Working out your abs makes it hurt to laugh.
• I love watching the sun rise as it is peaking above the trees. Thank goodness my gym has plenty of windows.
• I was really dumb Saturday night and paid the price for it. Story to come.
• I need an evening or weekend day to myself. I feel like I have been going non-stop for weeks.
• I can't believe OJ was smirking while getting arrested. Or at least he was on the footage I saw.
• I love outlet mall shopping. Deals are my friend.
• My ipod is my working out lifeline. I don't think I would be able to push myself as hard or long without it. Just when I am ready to stop early, a song comes on that inspires me to keep going.
• Somehow lately I have been going to the gym 7 days a week. And now I can't imagine NOT going everyday.
• I can't believe I just typed the previous "thought". What has happened to me?!?

Why I switched to morning workouts...

Pieces of our old roof and random stuff that I don't know where it came from...

The view from the outside in - I'm standing where our door used to be, looking in at a piece of plywood closing off the rest of our house. Notice, it's quite bright. That's because there is no longer a roof.

The backwall that had water damage as well and needs to be completely redone. Scary huh. Our house now has a "sun room" temporarily. Pardon me if I choose NOT to spend time out there.

My newest purchase!

Since I have been working out everyday lately (and if not everyday at least 5 days a week) I have realized I am going to be going through shoes much faster than before. A month or so ago my shoes started to hurt my feet. I knew it was time for new shoes, but was awaiting a good deal.



Today I found one. And a new favorite store. Adidas now has an OUTLET store in Michigan City! Yes, you read that right. I bought a cute and comfy pair of $75 shoes for $49 - not even on sale! I love them and can't wait to workout with them tomorrow! I call them my new fitness-y shoes.

My not-so-fun Saturday

I should have known today was going to be a rough one when I previously decided I needed a "Jeanna Day". I wasn't going to schedule anything in besides hitting the gym and later the 730 service at church. I should know better than to plan ahead.

Thursday I went by the library to see my old co-workers and boss. After only a few minutes of talking with my boss I could see that she was completely swamped and practically drowning in work. I was nearly in tears while talking to her...so I told her to call or email me if she needed help and if I was available I would do anything I could to help her out. I am still on the payroll for just such instances.

Friday she emailed me. I was so glad she asked for help - normally she won't. She needed me to help do an extremely simple but much needed task at one of the branches before Tuesday morning. Of course I said yes - even though I knew it would take 1-2 hours of my day because its a long running program. No big deal I thought - easy to squeeze that into my fairly empty day.

THEN it all went down hill this morning.

Last night my mom got a flat tire on a nail in our garage. I couldn't change it last night so I decided to do it this morning.

Now let me just say this - while I am capable of changing a tire - I do not like to do so. If there had been any man around at the time, I would have gladly begged for assistance. But alas, it fell onto me.

After some minor drama in the changing of the tire I came to discover that the spare tire was either in need of some air or was unhappy at having to work this morning.

And of course this was all discovered 10 minutes before my mom had to leave. So here I am covered in grease (yuck!) and now have to drive my mom somewhere. I have to hop in the shower with some Dawn to cut the grease (the ad doesn't lie, it really does cut grease out of your way) and play chauffer. Then had to fit in a workout and am currently now at the library.

How did my relaxing day end up like this? *Sigh* I guess there's always next weekend...

Fear

One of my friends sent me this from her devotions...it really resonated with me so I wanted to share it with everyone else...

1st John 4:18 " There is NO fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

Or the Message version " There is no room in love for fear. Well- formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life-fear of death, fear of judgment- is not yet fully formed in love."

Her thoughts: this verse , clearly points out that perfect love, the love that Christ desires us to share with Him and with others, casts out fear. I thought that this verse might be something that you could use as a reminder that perfect love doesn't fear but hopes and trusts.

Early Morning Thoughts

• I forgot how much I love watching the sunrise. It always leaves me in awe of how powerful God is.


• The gym is so much quieter in the morning – I kinda like it.


• Working out twice in less than 12 hours is not the brightest idea when both times were hardcore workouts.


• Morning workouts are so much harder, yet I feel so much more productive.


• Watched the morning news at the gym – found myself so upset by all the negative things going on in my community that I just started praying for all the stories I was watching unfold. Two murders last night and the trial for the man accused of shooting a police officer last year was just the opening news headlines.


• It’s frustrating when you have to get the condensation off your car twice during a two hour time period.


• Working out is great for your posture – it hurts too much to slouch.


• I wanted a smoothie this morning after my workout, but they weren’t open yet. I was bummed.


• I broke down and actually did it – I turned the heat on in my car this morning. Don’t judge! It was 40-something degrees outside! Granted it was in the high 40’s but still, it was cold!


• What is up with the weather in northern Indiana?! This morning it was 49 degrees on the local news station, with a high of 77 today! How do you dress for that!?!


• I’ve been challenged to workout for three weeks in the mornings, instead of just the two. I have to admit, the thought of losing ticks me off – I’m highly determined and stubborn at times – so I won’t lose.


• The pond at GCC was steaming this morning. It was absolutely beautiful.


• I can feel and see many more muscles on my body. And I love it! Granted they are still small, but they are there none the less! YAY!

Gotta love it!

Part of my job is uploading different videos and medias online for all to view and enjoy. If you make it to weekend services, most of these you have seen. But if you don't get the chance to go, there is always a later option to check stuff out. OR you may just be like me and when something hits home, you want to watch it over and over again or share it with someone else. So today here are three more of my favorite medias or videos from GCC:

This was used just this last weekend - wow we have some talent around here!

This was an illustration for our Doors Series, called One Step Closer

A few weeks ago people had the opportunity to accept Christ and walk through the door. This was shown the week after to highlight that amazing weekend.

Random video

This cracks me up - I don't know why, but I love it!

Becoming a morning person...

If you know me, you know that I am not a morning person. I will sleep as late as I possibly can and the snooze button is my friend. I use it multiple times every morning. I have even been known to change my alarm time while half asleep to allow a few more minutes of blissful rest. Amazingly I have never been late to work because of these habits. I think I am just too smart for my own good and know exactly how little time it will take me to get ready in the morning to still get to work.

Last week I completely surprised myself and my co-workers by getting up early in order to be at the gym by 630. Yes that is 630 in the morning. A completely obscene time in my opinion. But it was my only option to workout for a few days, so I set 4, yes 4, alarms to make sure I would get up. At the time I assumed that would be a one time deal.

Starting Thursday, though, I will be a morning person. As much as I would love to say this is because of my knowledge of the health benefits of morning workouts, OR because it would be a great way to start my day. But my reasons are none of the above. My reasons are much more trivial and pure convenience. We are having some work done on a room in our house - and you guessed it, they start work on Thursday morning. At 7 am. So I figure my options are try to get ready around workmen which always makes for awkwardness as well as trying to maneuver around many vehicles in my driveway in order to leave. Or I get up early, hit the gym at 630 every morning and get ready at the gym. In my mind there was only one option: become a morning person.

Hmmm...a morning person by necessity.

Definitely not me.

Don't be surprised if after these 2+ weeks I am back to sleeping in as late as possible and reacquainting myself with my friend, the snooze button.

All About Who?

The last few weeks God has been doing some amazing things in my life. It seems like many of my blogs cover the same time period, but I keep getting hit with new realizations. God keeps moving, so I'm going to keep blogging :)

I've been thinking about prayer a lot lately. Not so much on the "deep" "philosophical" level, more of the "smack me over the head why the heck has it taken me so long to get this" level. I realized that my prayer life is selfish. Not selfish in the way most people think of selfish. But selfish in a scarier way.

I was praying for "things" - for "miracles" - for "guidance" - for "connection". But I was neglecting to do one of the most important things. Thank God for the prayers He answered. And thank Him for the prayers He didn't. I realized after the urgency of the moment passed, and things were resolved, I haphazardly thanked God and proceeded to move on. I wasn't thanking Him with the energy He deserved!

I really started to see this a few weeks ago. There was an urgent prayer in my life - I found myself praying harder, stronger, with others, by myself, throughout the entire day. And when God took care of it, I truly started to thank Him. I still haven't stopped thanking Him - it was that important. And that's when it started to hit me.

Why don't I do this all the time?

Shouldn't every prayer that gets answered deserve a "Thanks"?

Don't we all sometimes just want to hear a simple "Thank You"?

Doesn't God deserve that the most? And yet, when we neglect to do so, He keeps on giving - keeps on answering - keeps on loving us.

I Believe

Not so long ago I was in a valley. It was a rough place to be and I felt as if God was silent. I was hurting and scared but I couldn’t hear his voice when I so desperately needed to. I was at the point where I knew I needed to read my Bible, but yet I couldn’t. I was lucky enough to have a few things in my life at that point that kept me afloat – kept me from sinking. Often during times like those, music and lyrics are what help me get back on track. So many times it feels as if a song was written specifically for me. This is one of the songs from that valley:

I Believe In Love
By Barlow Girl

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

Hittin’ it Hard

I had a rude awakening last week. Over the last few months my eating habits during the day had headed downhill fast. While I was still eating fairly healthy for breakfast and dinner, my lunch and snacking habits had gotten way off balance. I had stopped consistently losing weight. But I was still continually gaining muscle from my regular gym visits. Then it suddenly occurred to me. If I just changed my habits back to making healthy choices throughout the day, my weight loss would begin progressing.

When I sat down one day last week and looked at the average numbers of fat and calories I was in taking daily just for lunch, I was shocked. If I just changed that one aspect of my life, I could reach my target weight and size with a whole lot less effort. As well as making myself an overall healthier person.

So, that’s what I have been doing. I’m not letting myself get off easy at the gym, and I’m watching the food choices I am making daily. I’m pushing myself harder and trusting others to help me be accountable.

The irony of my life is this time I had all the knowledge of how to lose weight the right way. I just only followed it for half of my day.

But times have changed. While you may still find me on occasion splurging, as all of us should, it has become the exception not the rule. Watch out world – times they are a changin’

"Because It's Not About You"

One of the great things about my job is that I often get driven to other church's websites. I get to see what they are doing, how they are doing it and the impact they are making in their communities.

This morning Liquid Church came on my radar. And the media I watched touched my heart. It inspires me. It makes me smile. It makes me proud to be a follower of Christ.

Check it out - its worth the few minutes.

Trust me.

I heart smoothies

It's hard to believe only a few short months ago I was completely unaware of the amazing smoothies that are right next door to my gym.

I wanted caffeine this morning - badly - but instead of choosing Starbucks I decided one my favorite smoothies. I'm trying to become less relient on caffeine every day. And I must say, my smoothie made me very happy. So happy in fact that I took a picture of my Maui Breeze smoothie with my phone.



Jumpin' Juice and Java has found a special place in my heart. While I have heard that Jamba Juice is amazing, especially by one person who will remain nameless that is completely obsessed, I have yet to have experienced one. Hard to imagine that it could be better than my Maui Breeze.

WOOHOO!!

My blogging life just got 10 times easier! I have friends who read my blog in all different places. Some use a feed, some use facebook, some actually go to my blog address and some read it on myspace. So, yes, believe it or not, I blog for all types! What can I say, it's a good thing I'm a multi-tasker! Anyway, I always compose in blogger and facebook pulls it in for me - Thank you facebook! But myspace never works as it should. So I end up having to copy and paste, re-doing all my links, inserting the pictures and it never works right.

And then I saw it.

The light at the end of the tunnel.

The little button I'd always ignored because I didn't know what it meant - until my new job.

The "View Source" button. The button that has just cause a surge of dorky adrenaline throughout my body! Right now about two people are excited with me, the rest are confused. Let's just say I can copy the html code for my blog post in blogger (which includes all my formatting, links and pictures) and paste it into my myspace blog using this handy dandy new option I just discovered.

I'm pumped.

Thank you html!

Late Night Thoughts

• There is something that is so hard about turning off the car stereo while you drive. But yet, after you do it, and you get used to the quiet, you realize your life needs to be quiet sometimes too.
• My favorite pen is running out of ink. I'm going to need to see if I can find another one at the store.
• I went MIA from the online world for only 2 days, 48 hours, and I had so many blog subscriptions to read, Google Reader couldn't even give me the exact number (it could only say 100+)
• How do you keep important messages from church in your long term memory when so many other things are fighting to get in there as well.
• My Hailey Bean said my name today! Really well! Amber called me and told me Hailey was saying it all day. (Amazingly perfect I might add - she isn't even two yet!) And then she got her to say it over the phone to me. Even though I heard my name over ten times, every time made a huge smile form on my face and a giggle spilt out too.
• I wonder how amazing it will be to be called "Momma" some day for the very first time. I bet I'll cry. I tend to do that after all.
• I love Anytime Fitness. Just so you know, in case you forgot from previous posts.
• I made some killer Lasagna tonight! I may not be comfortable enough in the kitchen to get ultra creative, but I can still cook! My mom completely stuffed herself to the point of being uncomfortable. The plan was to freeze most of it for lunches later, but I don't know if it is going to last that long.
• The lady at the grocery check-out line ticked me off. She practically tossed all my purchases on the conveyor belt - including my bruisable produce! When a store's brand is customer service, and then their employees fail to uphold that brand, something needs to change. Or by golly I may just end up at the cheaper store instead.
• I can't believe I think in terms of "brands" now.
• Earlier tonight, Lindsey and I talked for a good ten minutes about qualities of websites and how she can't believe how many large church websites are so un-user friendly. I could have talked longer. Scary.
• My OCD has finally been well placed - works out great for the job I'm in! I'm good at it, and as much as I hate to admit it, I like it too! Eek!
• After feeling God had been silent, I started praying for Him to speak to me if He needed to say something, and if I needed to hear something. He took me seriously and hasn't shut up since :) And I wouldn't want it any other way.
• I'm really tired, and should go to bed since I am getting up early to hit the gym...yet...I am so into this book I am reading I am not sure if I want to. Sleep vs good book. That is always a hard choice for me to make.

Blew Me Away

Last night at New Community Dr. Bob completely blew me away! In my opinion that was one of his best. It was so real, so raw, so honest - - knowing everyone has been through pain, through betrayals, through suffering. And most of the time now understanding how God could allow this to happen. If you didn't see it last night, go watch it. I already watched it again today.

There were so many amazing things that were noteworthy last night, so here is an overview of what I actually was able to write down fast enough!

• God doesn't want us to jump over the valleys.


• Butterflies have to make their own way out of their cocoon. Without the struggle, there are no wings.


• Pain it here to stay - we have got to deal with it together.


• We do everything we can to avoid the valleys, but we need to experience them in order to get stronger, to grow character.


• Sometimes what looks like the best thing that can happen to a person, can be the worst thing.


• God does not allow suffering. He allows our free will.


• We're the reason there's not enough love in the world! Some things we do to ourselves; some things we do to others


• Our respons to what happens to us is more important than what happens to us.


• God knows every bird that falls to the ground; He doesn't always prevent the fall.


• Sometimes the pain makes us crazy - look at Job.


• God understands the doubt born of sorrow


• "Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. If you can't get up, you won't" Antoinette Bosco


• "Storms always pass...don't they dad"


• One person's experience drives them to bless God, and the exact experience for someone else drives them to curse God


• Where there is great opportunity for love, there is great opportunity for hurt.


• Only someone you love can betray you.


• Psalm 38 - God is close to the broken-hearted


• God never wastes my pain! I do, but He doesn't! Every evil is redeemed.


• God is close to those who are suffering


• Judas and Peter both had similar downfalls - they both screwed up and betrayed Jesus, but you can tell how they responded differently by how they are seen through history. No one names their child Judas, many people name their child Peter

Even typing these now still hits me. How I hope I am able to remember these things when I am in the valley again. If you see me in the valley, remind me there is hope.

Going MIA

I am going to be going MIA from the online world for a short while, with the exception of email and what is required for my job :) No worries...all is well...

In Awe

God has been doing some crazy things in my life lately. Crazy as in good. I'm seeing and understanding things on a completely different level that I hardly knew existed. And I am in total awe.

Yes I have been right here as a direct witness to it, but it still leaves me baffled. What a powerful and loving God! I am seeing a larger glimpse of how mighty and merciful and loving He truly is. And yet still that is all that it is...a glimpse.

Then tonight driving home I was praying intently (no worries I was still focused enough on my driving!) when I glanced up and saw the moon in all its glory. It was huge and bright and beautiful. The clouds were moving slowly in front of it but yet it still showed through. And then I noticed a second set of clouds that were much farther away from us but seemed very close to the moon. Not really moving, seemingly stagnant. It hit me how powerful God truly is. He created all of this - and He was brilliant enough to even come up with different levels of clouds! How complex and awe-some it seemed to me.

Which turned my prayers into praise and humble adoration. It's hard to fathom that a God that big and that powerful could possibly care about every human being on the planet. That He could possibly care enough about each and every person to fight for them. Even when we are like the clouds - seemingly stagnant.

I am truly in awe of His love for me. And even when I don't deserve it, He willingly gives it. And yet at some times in my life I push Him away, I ignore Him, I refuse to do as He requests. I have even chosen to take my trust in Him away. And yet, after all that I have done to Him, He's still there. Watching out for me, protecting me, loving me. Who could ask for a better gift.

I AM

I "stole this" from this guy who "stole" it from this guy. It was so amazing I just had to re-post it. Talk about something hitting you right where you are...



Exodus 3:13,14
Moses said to God, "Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, 'The God of your fathers has sent me to you,' and they aske me, 'What is his name?' Then what shall I tell them?"
God said to Moses, "I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: 'I AM has sent me to you.'"

I need help.
I AM.

I need hope.
I AM.

Who could possibly be smart enough to figure this out?
I AM.

What works?
I AM.

What lasts
I AM.

What's the latest thing?
I AM.

What's the hippest thing?
I AM.

I need a fresh start.
I AM.

I need a bigger story.
I AM.

Nothing is real anymore.
I AM.

Who can I trust?
I AM.

I'm not sure who's on my team?
I AM.

Nobody's listening to me.
I AM.

I don't have a prayer.
I AM.

I can't hold on.
I AM.

I'm pouring into others, who's pouring in to me?
I AM.

I'm not sure why I'm here.
I AM.

I've given all I can give and it's not enough.
I AM.

I'm tired.
I AM.

I quit!
I AM.

I can't!
I AM.

I need a drink.
I AM.

I need a fix.
I AM.

I need a lover.
I AM.

Somebody just hold me.
I AM.

compliments of Giglio

Late Night Thoughts

* Does anyone really make a mascara that doesn't at some point flake?
* Why would anyone join a gym that wasn't 24 hour access? Yes, I am spoiled.
* Why do people take the easy road out that only leads to pain?
* Why do people not fight for their marriage?
* How do you keep your self-preservation mechanism under control?
* It is so frustrating after hearing God's voice regularly for Him to suddenly be silent.
* It's so not fair that it takes months of working out to get where you are, and only two weeks to lose it.
* I have some deep relationships that I can't live without - how do others survive without ever going deep?
* One of my close friends and I are talking about breaking out of our christian bubble - pray that we find the place we are meant to serve
* I haven't been able to read my bible lately. Thursday's New Community got me fired up again. It's been too long and I'm glad I'm back.
* I want Lasik someday.

Random I know...but that is who I am.

Processing

Tonight I had the privilege of attending a meeting for the August ’07 India team to de-compress after their trip. They wanted our opinions of “alumni” to help the team sort out what all they experienced. If you have never been on a mission trip to an extreme area this may seem unnecessary – but I can tell you the things I saw and experienced in India are hard to deal with. To be perfectly honest I am still finding myself processing a year later. I don’t know for a fact that I will ever be completely done – but in a way, I feel as if that keeps me from completely falling back into my old ways of life.


There is however one thing about India that crosses my mind regularly – that pulls on my heart – that often causes me to tear up. And that thing is a little boy named David. He was seven months old when I met him last year. We were told he had an older sibling that died of kidney failure when he was David’s age – and David had kidney problems as well. He wasn’t expected to live more than a few weeks or months. And every time I see his face in my mind my heart hurts. It hurts to think that he is most likely no longer with his mother and sister, both of whom we met. It’s hard to know that if he was born in a different family, region or country, that there is a very good possibility that he would still be alive today. It’s hard to think about the injustice of children dying. It’s hard to think of his mother and the pain she must have experienced losing two kids. Yet she is a Christian and is following God.

I think I know why God sent me to that village on the other side of the world to meet David – because He knew David’s face would be permanently engrained in my mind. That as time passes, that image will not. I have a passion for the hurting and David’s face keeps me focused. He keeps me in check. He spurs me on.

A seven month old child from a small village in India.

His life was obviously not without purpose.

Maybe that’s what God’s plan was all along.

[David and Shelley - one of the rare moments where he wasn't smiling]

Yep, I know her...

One of my amazing friends recently posted a blog - her words left me in awe. It spoke the words that many feel but never form themselves.

Since many of you may not be privy to be her friend on facebook, I decided to "steal" her words to share them with all of you. Check it out and see what I mean :

I'm sitting in a coffee shop, surrounded by many, yet feeling alone and i'm wondering... what things in life are truely worth the risk? I take risks every day.
I risk being late every time i hit my snooze button.
I risk getting a ticket every time i speed.
I risk burning my mouth every time i take a sip of coffee.
I risk falling every time i wear high heels.
But what's really so risky about these things? So what? I could be late, get a speeding ticket, lose some taste buds, fall on my face or all of these things in the same day and there really isn't going to be that much damage.
Then there are the things that seem really risky... too risky.
Telling someone you love something ugly about yourself.
Trusting someone you want to love.
Trusting someone in general.
Loving someone in general.
Allowing yourself to be known well enough to be truly loved by someone.
So what heppens if i continue fearing things like love, trust and being known? I guess i'm not really sure. I do think that a life w/o risk is a life not worth living. And i don't be the i-didn't-brush-my-teeth-last-night kind of risk. I mean the i-could-get-my-heart-ripped-out-again kind of risk, or the i-may-die-trying-this kind of risk. Doesn't the size of the risk say something about the size of the possible pay off?
Anyway, i guess i'm just deciding to risk again. Maybe that means trust, maybe that means love or maybe that means letting myself be known. Whatever it is, i think i can feel it coming... i'm not sure i'm ready, but i'm not going to run.